lovely day

listening to healing in car.  finished lunch still hungry 2 mini snickers.  i sat in car and wrote out bills caught up paper work.  paid prop tax due 4/10 online.  finished inside library charging gaming decided to pick up safeway last day 98 cent head lettuce, clearance unicorn cake, almonds and then lucky's free dish soap $2 frozen alfredo chicken broccoli too tired  to cook.  walked big lots looking for sunflower seeds.  maybe target if i remember.

so far so good.  i feel human.  6:30 pm i don't feel like i'm dying.  my back hips stopped hurting.  pain used to be constant now intermittent.  

carlos changed air filter

when i checked records he put in new in january.  huh.  i feel better $25 for peace of mind.  lovely mild day.  i thought i'd adjusted settings not.  

i'm sitting in front of sunny library finished so so lunch.  chicken barely cooked.  woman in next car cackling away.  listening to real time ambient noises.  considered diving for recycles, nah.  well time to go in.

keeping it together i think

i'm doing what i know and what i don't know.  i'm trying new behaviors.  what it means if it has meaning i don't know.  i believe in an intelligent universe so i'm trusting.  i'm putting one foot after the other.  the new exercises seem to be loosening up my frozen muscles.  i'm sore and itching in new places.  and i'm rationing my nicotine gum.  i'm weaning myself.  my muscles are softer more normal.  i'm sleeping deeply finally after 30 years of nursing the parents.  always half listening for the next emergency.  a hard habit to break.  ptsd.

all my childhood anger is surfacing.  i wasn't safe to express any emotion.  i'd be punished generating more emotion i couldn't express.  imploding was my only recourse.  i was forced to shut down all emotion for my physical survival at an emotional cost.  my imbalance starts here 18 months old.  i had to build a shell like a snail carrying my survival within me.

my fascination with the chambered nautilus living under extreme pressure solitary rising and falling in the currents in the dark.  my life.  

my exhaustion is holding in all the misery trying to defend my life from the threat of feeling.  my toddler self at 18 months.  surviving when everyone is so much larger.  the spiritual emotional pain.  no one to help me.  bringing me to mainland from islands to isolate separate from anyone who loved me.  auntie Katchan wanted to adopt me.  depression as a way of life isn't living.  

oh i hurt.  doesn't matter why they hated me just that they did.

feeling wrung out like a rag

i'm feeling so tired.  all the years of forcing myself have caught up.  emotionally i'm back betrayed by the sisters.  well, they haven't stopped.  and 2 days won't make up for all the years.

new behavior writing at library.  i usually wait 'til home and sometimes no internet page won't open.  so an hour at library walked nob hill settled on brusell sprouts(no peas or corn) and half pound orange chicken.  dinner.  ate cautiously remembering digestion issues on 'big bang theory.'  ok watched comedies and in bedroom player anat baniel.  i'm testing body.

complaining is not a viable occupation

i seek to save myself again through saving Walter.  his dad like mine made complaining an Olympic event.  Walter is following in his dad's shoes without a net to save him.  i mentioned we know how the dads ended up.  does he want the same result?  i know i don't.  i want my happiness.  i can only figure they were happy and wouldn't change their trajectory.

check engine light just as i drove up to seniors.  air filter needs replacing Carlos said give him call mid week.  the tree trimming yesterday polluted the air with particulates.  that's when i drove into it and the check engine light came on.

i looked for and found the 3 misplaced movies half hour reorganizing car.  exercised picked up lunch helped Gerda sit at table.  Art took Pete's lunch i gave Pete the Bragg's amino minerals i had him taste first.  i went to college safe way no sliced almonds clearance sugar free bubble gum.  i'm weaning myself off nicotine gum.  lucky laundry i ate lunch while washing.  driving home safe way slivered almonds no sliced.  

took home lunch salad rested considering what i wanted to do.  nothing i wanted on tv.  went to sunny library to charge and compute.  filled water.  looked up panda express family meal.  used coupon 2 sides; chow mien and veg, 3 entree; double orange chicken and honey sesame chicken.  she offered 4 cookies i asked for 5 being assertive new me.  home i hung clothes and then ate to my heart and stomach's content and all 5 cookies.  i'm set for the weekend.

i'd still give it all up for peace on the planet.  unless we're all safe no one is safe.  to believe less is delusional.

sun day

i'm melting.  i want to throw a tantrum and i don't know how.  beaten out of me.  without the physical pain i can see what chaos i've lived in since moving back with the parents.  i had to live in lies and denial never a good address for me.  so now i don't want to do anything but scream shout kick stomp my feet and don't know how.  no, no, no.  2 yr olds learn to differentiate i was never allowed.  beaten into me.  

home 2 pm

feeling tired.  i went to trinity 8:22 am took 20 minute drive.  picked up intake form and cover.  asserted myself.  she wanted me to wait around while she hunted for a marker to label everything i told her we'd do it during my appointment.  

senior parking partially open.  i waited for book mobile. searched for soc sec card.  i returned 'the comedian' Cody offered 'DUNE' recommended 'en canto'.  i have 3 somewhere in the trunk.  i'll wash and look tomorrow.  picked up lunch Greg took Pete's lunch.  home i watched ate and went to sunny library.  feeling tired watched '9 to 5' special features and "DUNE" so good i cried.  i was 21 when i read the book.  

Cathy called thanks for the card.  she's better and getting medicaid benefits.  whew!  6:30 half hour.

feeling exhausted

changing my behaviors requires more energy and healing has more toxins in my bloodstream.  i'm drinking lots of water to clean out the junk.  staying pain free requires i continue exercising and stretching.  i woke up feeling tired and sleepy.  i loaded laundry in trunk.  i'll wait to wash when i feel energized.  

went to cost co filled gas $5.30 gallon.  $6 bay area.  parked street behind senior center tree trimming main lot.  exercised and computed.  Pete gave me his lunch i left through gym.  home i watched tv ate.  finished sewing second paisley dress added pockets to both.  i wore new one to sunny library. drove around parking.  home 4:30.  

tomorrow planned new dress all laid out.  i like feeling prepared.  doesn't mean anything but i feel better.  nice to be without bone deep pain.  i can feel my exhaustion.  i was forced and driven for so long it became my life.  horrible to be habituated to self torture.

i loaded car with liqueur and recycle

$6 recycle pays laundromat.  Walter 11 am with cart no bags i fave him.  he complains.  i tell him he's reliving his dad's life.  and we know how that ends.  he complained teeth i told him to marry for benefits.  i finally cut him off.  he left hat at home.  wanted to complain of heat.  i told him i know he's competent so he arranged to leave his bags and hat home on purpose and i support him in being home.  i refuse to witness him reliving his dad's life.  i told him i know he's competent and prefers to be home and i support him in that.  he drones to annoy and avoid people.  

Pete gave me extra lunch.  yum with supplements at home.  

i'm playing mahjongg my 3rd set.  happy baby.  i'm playing like i used to word search.  

i gave Trudy her copy of "Princess Bride".  i love making people happy.  aha!!  when meanies curse us we try to make them happy by fulfilling their curse.  we're so accommodating.  otherwise smart people doing dumb things.

pretty sweet

i understand why the folks ate fast food all the time.  mom was done with cooking.  a lifetime is long enough.  the shopping and cleanup.  done with that.  it's so good to have microwaves.  

i went to dollar tree.  i needed q tips.  i have some somewhere maybe if the sisters haven't stolen them.  don't know don't care.  i bought clearance steering wheel cover 50 cents.  so perfect.  i needed one.  i hate the way the bare plastic feels.  all part of taking care of myself.  went home with extra Pete's lunch he didn't want.  ate and watched tv went to sunny library 'til 3:30.

i collected everything i need for taxes and called for appointment Carol returned my call for Thursday 4/14 9 am.  i need to fill out intake form.  pick up m or th 9 to 11  she said Milpitas has more openings.  too far and i googled directions to trinity church.  perfect.  

forgot book sale

9 movies, 3 music, 4 cases for $5.  lovely weather.  rained pretty much all day yesterday good day to sew second paisley dress.  rested relaxed.

no idea what's happening

tire air pressure light came on this am to remind me america's tire.  seniors i debated who to give do nuts to.  after exercise i saw book mobile gave Cody and Aggie 4 left.  i used soft clearance napkins i've had in car for years.  he's so good he renewed loans for me. 

came am tire for air top up and nail in driver back tire tripped light.  had to make an appointment.  i decided to toss the 4 do nuts left.  no one i wanted to give them.  parked expressway safe way in shade.  ate weird cabbage hamburger mess reminded me of mom's sweet corned beef cabbage walked store.  came back at 2 using their wireless.  done by 2:45 no charge.  decided home emotionally exhausted.  dad and car too much.  he insisted the 18th on his birth certificate was wrong being born at home.  i thought of asking auntie but 6 years younger who knows.  mom and dad lied to me so much not telling the truth.  taught my sisters so thoroughly.  i tried lying to mom when i was 8 and it gave me a stomach ache.  lies create dis ease.  feeling my alone ness all one ness.  

distracted myself fixing sun disintegrated strap on pool bag.  

pages doing weird things appearing disappearing.  mirrors my feelings of helplessness hopelessness.  must be why and when people create trouble for themselves and others.  Will anniversary moon day more sadness anxiety.  

fry day 18 feels like dad's real b'day.  i don't feel like doing anything like dad.  i paid discover still being responsible.  went upstairs to computer.  Pete gave me his lunch i went out to car called Walter didn't want lunch ready to leave i offered to bring him jacket he doesn't want me there who or what is he hiding?  i offered dad's alcohol he wants that.  dad was insulin 2 x a day and still drinking, i threatened to tell doctor and refuse to drive him.  Walter wants to pick up from senior parking lot Tuesday like a drug deal.  i went home to eat and gathered up vodka whiskey big rolling bucket from garage.  i'm ready to leave the past behind.  i decided to stay home relax.

it's a mystery

not funny like 'clue' or 'murder by death'.  so boring.  

new behaviors to be have different results

i'm at the library before closing.  i went to seniors reacting to st pat day dad's 102 year had he lived beyond alien.  she the instrument of death for both mom and dad.  i forgot clean undies and towel so i spot washed.  i chose not to go back to car.  wow, big for me and my obsessive ways.  no self criticism either.  

decided to go to st just pantry pick up.  home to put away i ate my lunch with tv 'medium' and comedies i fell asleep.  so tired from allergies and toxin cleanse.  waited 'til after wheel went to sunny library.  entered wheel gamed computed.  9 pm close home to relax.

yesterday disappeared

lost all my settings.  always a mystery when it happens.  finally finagled separate pages.  like sticking together.  but electronically.

i went to dollar for cards and mouth wash.  Panera bacon quiche only a dozen baked.  puff pastry.  so good lunch and dessert in one.  Art gave me extra lunch from Pete.  i went to drop off and pick up at main.  talked to Daryl.  10 'til noon i stopped at st just closed fresh fruit and veg i got squash and carrots.  i forgot pantry closed sun day moon day.

stopped at home to eat and check power shut off city tree trimming didn't happen.  then i decided cup pick up drop off.  reset my chrome.

wouldn't open UNIVERSAL FORGIVENESS

occurred to me all must be forgiven in light of the monumental technological changes.  i don't know if improvements.  we'll wait and see how it shakes out if anyone survives the oligarchs.

i had 4 v mails Cathy, 2 libraries, Raymond.  returned calls took out bins for tomorrow.  i've been going through things a little at a time to avoid burn out or over doing.  so far so good.  i decided to wear new pink tent dress with 1 of 4 pair pink beach tennis i've had since savers.  

sitting listening to healing depression front of library.  last night clue was on tv and one of my hold items.  may have special features.  

even further

found a corner i didn't know existed.  wind is blowing tree pollen up my nose dehydrating me.  i can't drink enough water.  

i left library early feeling exhausted i napped 2 hours only dragging myself out of bed so i'll be able to sleep later.

today being bookmobile day i borrowed Cruella.  Cody suggested a book by an aspy in England.  i read it.  so easy conversational.  i think a lot more people are on the spectrum.  my parents were.  that's their hatred of me.  projecting their self hatred.  that's how they died so miserably.  everybody's going to die so have a good death.  

sitting in back

i finished ok lunch in car back supported.  yesterday's picnic lunch i threw everything somewhere.  i need back support.  i'm sitting back of library.  i'd rather read.  i did some games got bored.  barely did wheel.  couldn't do t mobile wouldn't open.  

Ukraine so sad.  i cried looking at babies with shrapnel in their heads.  Putin is wounding civilians purposefully to tie up resources.  that's what heartless dictators do.  they inflict the worst pain they can.  

the guard is playing peek a boo like tom.  i already have a tom.  i'm reading Dr Phil's love smart.  

i baked last 2 drum sticks.  i have cooked in fridge.  

picnic @ library

so lovely i sat on library patio eating lunch with healing music.  went in to charge phone down to 39%.  filled water, checked Panera expiring tomorrow $2.  nothing i want unless quiche.  saw nice guard.  man sat behind me so i left or i wouldn't have seen guard.  came home baked 6 drumsticks and de boned so easily i baked 6 more.  2 to go i may teriyaki.  who has 14 in a pack?

so hungry

i took 2 count 'em 2 days of rest and i did so much yesterday.  i finally finished pink tent dress, jean's waist band.

checking the ads today safe way soup on sale.  moon day special like nob hill.      

forgot to open

also sitting cup county library so hot upstairs.  happy just being.  internet so slow on chrome wireless. citrus drops and water didn't eat lunch 'til home 3:30.  no traffic heavenly.  

watched Free Guy most amazing complex plot being who what you choose.  and Shang Chi =world peace Ta Lo colors blue and yellow Ukraine colors.  

fry day freebie lucky's oikos yogurt walking store found gas treatment $2.19+tax.  woo-hoo!!

good to know

i'm glad i remember 1972.  my stomach has been talking to me and today it hurts so i'm soothing it with citrus drops.  nerves are reconnecting.  i did a lot today.  regular routine and filled water bottles and brought them in.  i'm ready.

it disappeared

yesterday's post.  today is remarkable.  still free of pain.  stiff and sore like a normal body.  i have more energy free from pain.  i looked online for chase and c u affiliates.  i did my banking for this month with energy to spare walked big lots lucky's clearance chicken lo mein.  dinner and quinoa dessert.  miracle.

state of the state then broadcasters in love with their own voices telling people what to think.  oh, well tomorrow another day.