better

i woke 4:30 watched 'love boat' stretched.  i decided to go chase to withdraw k limit.  i can bank tomorrow or anytime.  i can't believe how relaxed i am.  i used to be so obsessive.  the kava passion helps too.

i showered, exercised, stretched, put clothes in car, got chrome to charge.  i found use for used wipes, i cleaned car door.  i watched boring film, gamed.  11 i picked up good orange chicken bok choy lunch.  brought it home 11:45 to eat.  took supplements i forgot this morning.  i can't believe how much more relaxed i feel.  i paid car insurance by phone due 2 weeks.  

i cooked onion potato omelets for b'fast tomorrow.  

woke 3:30 left house 6:30

so good.  i ate half roasted turkey sand b'fast.  watered plants, watched 'dragnet.'   showered, exercised.  talked a little to sue of harry.  she gave me permission to use bike.  weird.  put wet clothes in car.   filled 2 bottles.  recycled 2 bots 1 can.

listening to release guilt.  considering how much i accomplished yesterday my body feels pretty good.  

i let spirit lead

i woke my regular 5:30.  watched 'love boat' a little. felt hungry made potato onion omelet.  watched a little tv feeling restless.  dressed went outdoors to check porch plants.  watered.  since green bin by cactus took saw and tongs to cut a few paddles.  lovely cool.  i filled half and pushed into street.  added a few more and it was full.  too heavy to move.  brushed by needles and carefully removed and taped to get all spines.

i was sticky and sweaty so i debated which gym.  G-2 is head and shoulders logical choice.  i have definite resistance.  i showered, tubed, cool pool, showered, dressed, walked safe way clearance coconut milk.  decided to compute @ sunny vale library.  

i debated banking too.  

checking Panera menu i bought and ate wrong sandwiches.  so i determined to get it right.  roasted turkey bacon.  tried online pages reverting.  noon driving the 3 miles i realized library opens 1 i can return.  fill 4 water, charge and game.  wow!  what a concept.  i have the energy.

my chair occupied i went to sit back even better chairs, feet up, alone, outlets on table.  now nap attack.  i'm feeling so comfortable relaxed.  more room to spread out and no one to tell me to keep flips on.  

4 pm time for snack.  home by 5 i forgot 'love boat'.

infinite movies-sunny vale

1988 'full moon in blue water'.  i enjoyed it.  ended @ 9 perfect to come to sunny vale.  big old yellow van parked in my favorite spot.  looks like they're camping in.  

bold squirrel in garbage can.  checked out all of them.  checking out people for handouts too.

i filled 3 water, gaming on very slow internet.  wheeled first thing even though i have 'til moon day 1:59.  picked up holds expiring tomorrow.  Whew!!  i don't know if i want to come back tomorrow despite the heat.  i found new opened classic sherlock holmes collection of 5  strange shape package.  the only arthur c. doyle interview.  i didn't realize i had coupon good 'til end of year in chrome bag.  i guess i didn't really want it.

games refusing to load helping me let go of obsessiveness.  i let go.  

i went to Panera pick up for lunch and dinner.  used coupon $5/$20.  got home b4 1 for classic concentration.

amazing

i drove to seniors 8 am.  showered, exercised, changed, put clothes in car, charged chrome and phone, computed.  copied restaurant news article auntie sent.  picked up lunch.  in car wrote out bills for next month, called unity no daily word mag.  i paid city bank early free lucky's 20 oz coke, bought bread not my favorite oh, well, safe way college free water w/ sushi, main picked up film, library all open this week still only 'til 2.  i asked about summer reading, over this year June/July they gave me leftover book bag anyway.  

home 1:45.  mag in mail not in preview.  

i forgot to do August banking.  first was on sun day this month.  i plumb forgot.  and i'm not freaking out.  i'm just a little unsettled.  my back and right leg hip are still screaming.  i'm moving slowly.  i ate my lunch and half the sushi.   

bread is ok.  i ate sushi and p'nut butter honey, almonds, crackers.    

women's day

myrtle fillmore.

she healed through god leading the way for others.  

i got my favorite parking spot.  showered, nu stepped with Trudy 20 minutes.  changed put clothes in car got chrome to charge upstairs.  played wheel, lotto, word, trivia while listening to healing love.  picked up lunch directly to fruit veg store mango $1.29, lettuce 59 cents.  cup copied book checked out more 'love boat'.  filled 2 waters.

home 1 pm.  i put things away, ate tiny fritata lunch, almonds, chocolate cookie.  i'll make chicken potato omelet for dinner or maybe lettuce wraps.  i cleaned lettuce celery tossed broccoli.  

i have a recurring sadness today.  sweet baby bill.  i'm resolving the past in ebbing and flowing waves or regret.  hard work.  

called care more

i dreamed i found a large female and smaller rust colored male parakeet at apartment complex.  i woke when i thought i'd need cage/house.

dollar tree had 2 pineapple ear buds, amber mouth wash, saltines, tray and Halloween necklaces, animated 'monster family'.  

seniors i showered, exercised, changed, computed, picked up tiny lunch ate in car listening to healing love.  used city phone noon to call care more.  i waited 16 minutes on hold.  Anna called lab got charges removed.  she will send list of local urgent care list 7-10 business days.  total of 38 minutes.  went back upstairs computing 'til 2.  considered going to county library to return late book.  too much for my back.  tomorrow better.  i checked mail pick up none so i took auntie's card and my ballot to PO.  

home by 3.  i'm learning to love myself better.  i was hungry ate almonds and chocolate cookie.  for dinner i ate chicken, quinoa, potato onion.

one step at a time

i'm walking on eggs.  i dreamed of the family in a refreshed house with pet mice in a cage.  my sisters.  and it was calm and loving.  i felt loved and accepted for myself.

this blog is updating itself and resetting paragraph to normal and erasing letters.  i find it amusing.

i loaded wash in car, went to seniors showered, exercised, computed, picked up lunch, ate some in car listening to more healing 'love and comfort', so excited i wasn't hungry.  looked up cost of Rheem softener $500 +, $600 for 2 plumbers 3 hours, $1850 charge discover.  $700 overhead.  i applied $260 rewards to account.  

home 2 pm the unity meditation kept playing w/o connection.  i brought in bins.  i listened over hour.  must stay on same page.  can't go back and forth between tabs.  A MIRACLE.  i'm focusing my thoughts on expanded internet coverage.  

i'm doing so much better back wise.  i feel ok.  used to take me weeks to recover from home repairs.  i cooked 3 onions 2 potatoes in chicken gravy this morning.  i ate half for dinner.  i cooked quinoa in gravy for breakfast.   

i'm trying to figure out why i love dancing and don't like exercise.

sunny vale library

i decided 9 am.  i want to try registering Rheem softener online.  i have so many projects to work on.  and i can charge chrome and listen to love.  

even deciding the route to drive here.  the path of least resistance.  i want my life to be consciously smooth.  

done and done.  to extend 1 yr to 5 buy cleaner every 4 months saving receipts.  

i wanted to get home 1 made it 1:15.  made 3 burger patties nuked 1.  opened what i thought was oat ice cream but was cottage cheese.  i peppered and ate some.  i wasn't hungry 'til i ate. then i ate patty.  found ate chocolate cherry cookie my right hip screamed at me.  didn't hurt this bad 2014 when i fell.  must be a pinched nerve.  i can  hardly walk.   

i'm focusing

i researched hour and half.  i'm more comfortable researching not acting, deciding.

occurred to me until i moved back i was pretty much ignored by family.  neglected.  as a child i was grateful to avoid the trauma and drama.  then i took care of them when my sisters refused.  refuse- to say no and refuse- garbage.

i asked for unity prayer help and traveled online to unity Hawaii.  how my life would be different raised in Hawaii.  i listened to love meditation 7 x for optimum benefits.  i still feel awful but better.  the more i listen the better i feel.  i'd be fine if i could listen all day.

i didn't sleep much.  i moved stuff away from the softener last night and this morning on top of sorting groceries and cooking and turning water on and off to wash and flush.  i'm doing better physically mentally emotionally spiritually.

checked home advisor.  3 references.  i returned mike counsil call.  on the ball.  set up appointment tu 24th 10-noon.  3 more days of this.  i called chandler plumbing can be out today 1-3.  quoted $1850 entire.   tried calling best bay plumbing answer machine no message.  called counsil cancelled appontment.

i did my college safeway, lucky's freebie home 1 pm just as 2 big white pick ups drove up.  i opened garage talked a bit and they started.  Gavin 10 yr experience went to home depot for everything while Mario 20 yr experience prepped lines and removed old softener.  done 4 pm.  cleaned up.  hauled away old.

Gavin stayed and i gave him 2 bags surplus groceries.  some orange apple.  discussing cactus fruit harvesting noticed concord grapes.  i got clippers and paper bag.  he hurt his back too.

and i now know every house issue returns me to the horror of the past 30 years.  the trauma drama.  the continuing disappointment with sisters and neighbors.

there's nothing wrong with me i'm human.

and i did

i had to dial 9 for an outside line.  i balanced my bank.  exercised washed hair.  feeling pretty good.  my pelvis and hip hurt a little less.  i returned films to bookmobile and stretched on bar no popping or crackling.  so maybe i'll heal.  picked up lunch to go.  

i stopped at st just pantry baked frozen potato spinach, sorted, put away.    

i keep reminding myself when i feel anxious and my life feels out of control.  i give it to god.  

ok the water softener is staying on wasting water.  i called city John water dept, Suzanne burns neighbor improvement, county rebuilding together machine, 2 sears ken more no longer in service.   i shut off the water so of course i feel like i have to go all the time.  i don't take water for granted so i can't waste it.  terribly inconvenient but not insurmountable.  i called David cal plumbers from 2016 and reviewed everything i've been through with the house.  i was so sick then.  thirteen years now.

i finally called consumer cellular to remove alert from display.  Kristin called me back on back up phone to talk me through it.  not on tutorials any way.  

before moving back to take care of the family i was alone and neither afraid or lonely.  it must have been buried very deep inside.  or i caught it like an infection. like covid 19.   i don't know.  i only know i haven't the desire to succeed by others' failing.  there's so much to be afraid of now.  i pray for improvement.  some crazy threatened to blow up the capitol.  

i'll have to call home advisor and look online and ask everyone i know.  i'm not freaking out.  i watched my shows.  

yesterday

i put recycle in car to Danny's $8.08.  i like the help.  they have guys speeding things along.  i exercised stretched lunched returned to computer upstairs home 1 pm.  

this morning paid pge Walmart, lucky's no bread clearance veg cut carrot celery.  came home 1 ate some and apple fell asleep.  watched my 'love boat'.  

feeling stressed.  my pelvis is hurting and my right hip.  i wasn't going to exercise then inertia took over after lunch.  i considered going st just but i didn't want to rush so tomorrow.  and paying discover.  i want to use center phone.  

listened to love.

being love is comfortable.  being what i am.  i took out garbage seniors 9 am.  i feel calm tired 3 hours sleep i watched "no.1 ladies' detective agency" again.  special features author's diary.  i watched it originally after evil sisters machination betrayals 2008 and i'm ok.  

i don't feel any age.  my body is sore in a new way.  my muscles are different but i'm still me.

'kdia lucky 13'

i always hear that jingle in my head.  i forgot to open page.  i didn't get upset.  

i was ready to roll this morning 8 am and tended to housekeeping.  i'm proud of myself for new behaviors.  if i want different results i need different behaviors.  i'm not toting my backpack.  i'm using the cart to transport.  i'm saving my back.  this program is doing weird things again.  i can handle it.  maybe it's just fry day 13.  i'm learning to work around the glitches.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    i'm taking the day off- i was always at the beck and call of my family.  despite the genetics they don't exist in my world today.  i'm god's child.                                                                                                                                                                                          with god all things are possible.  sun day.  unopened 'fair life' bottled 2% milk 7/2020 good for over a year, carnation breakfast essentials 11/22/2018 still good in fridge.  and blog switches font size.  so i have to stay conscious of what i'm doing.  i don't feel like going anywhere.  for the first time in my life i don't feel like running away.  nit was going to run away from home when she was 4.  the 2 of us alone like always on a weekend living 1160 Lawrence station road.  i knew there was no where to run no one to run to.  we were isolated for that reason.  i talked her out of it by making her sandwiches and agreeing with her.  that was all i could do.  i was 9.                   

      

trimmed front window rose

i forget what i do as soon as i do it.  while i like the look of growing above the roof giving me a feeling of shelter it was growing between the slats.  another of dad's strange designs. 

by the time i got to seniors 9:30 i was feeling tired and had forgotten why.  exercise and shower good, bookmobile i gave them 3 apples 3 oranges.  went back to stretching.  

lunch was short so i continued charging and gaming upstairs.  home by 2 sneezing and sniffling i took a c and i have a cold.  so i must have been infected moon or too day.  the good part is my immunity up.  

i ate buttered toast and pork pasta.  i could eat buttered toast all the time.  haven't made it since 16 and dad tried to kill my fish as punishment.  i do make it better than anyone i know like dad said.  balance that with being hit in the head with a rolled newspaper from behind.

sunny vale?

as it gets hotter i can hang out there.  

i'm feeling anxious.  i stayed upstairs to charge and compute.  home at 2.  maybe i'm too tired or life is too smooth.  the work i did on myself left a space i filled in with paranoia.  i need to remember to fill it with something healthy and positive.

i baked cornbread with the chobani that was going sour.  oat butter milk cornbread.  needed salt so i ate it with tomato sauce like polenta.  delicious.  

i'm caught up

i drove to citibank considered lucky's, nah.  a different route to seniors.  showered exercised changed put clothes to dry in car got chrome to computer room.  started games sweeps.  i paid city utilities online.  i stopped for good lunch cheese enchiladas, beans, squash.  ted came to sit after inge left.  i left him there when signal quit to go upstairs.  a first, i didn't feel guilty.  my family trained me through threats and punishment to never leave them.  there was always a price to pay for any fun and enjoyment i made.  life is so much easier without the toxic people.  they dumped all their poison for me to process.  as a child i was helpless.  living back home with them brought it all back.  i enabled them.

give me love.  give me help.

bed is my best friend

yesterday i shopped lucky's and stayed in bed.  nothing on tv i watched films 7-7.  

this morning i put out recycle bin remembered petrol.  gas station moderately busy.  for second week senior partial reopen i'm doing ok so far.  i charged chrome ate lunch art, hell, inge, greg.  lovely calm.quiet.  home noon.  i brought in bin watched the end of 'pal joey' so i could watch 'mr. hobbs takes a vacation' jimmy stewart, maureen o'hara in a dilapidated beach house with a plethora of people.  

i decided to forgo games and sweeps for today.  i can pick it up tomorrow.  

feeling tired sore

came to sunny vale slightly different route.  

i woke 5 am stayed in bed watching 'mike molly' until i was hungry.  nuked spinach omelet sesame seeds.  toasted cheese for b'fast.  made p'nut butter butter and omelet sandwiches for lunch.  sorted my supplements for next week.  

i went out watered porch plants, loaded recycle bin.  watched my exercise ate cheese toast.

i watched part of Joan lunden pbs mental health.  they don't realize that our bodies evolved with stressors that don't exist in developed countries.  when food and shelter are no longer imperatives the mind stays survival alert by looking for other needs to meet.  i finally understand the popular fascination with horror and thrills.  our dna is programmed to survive threats.  appearance competition replaced physical survival skills.  having the car, house, clothes, deodorant became more important than developing human nature.  lack of actual threats forces the dna mind/body to create anxiety and free floating dread.  trump world.

we all rise or we all fall.  the pandemic proves it.  

they stopped thinking and living in the big picture.  the tiniest creature, a virus is bringing mankind down.  

the food and water are no longer pristine.  we have a more abundant plentiful diet laced with pesticides and genetic modifications.  explains early dementia, obesity.  explains trump world.  

best friday

took my time dollar store 3 amber mouth wash, 2 new clearance aqua kerchiefs, new jumbo plastic cup.  seniors i showered exercised.  lunch with hell, art, inge.  charged chrome and computed upstairs.  googled cathy's new address.  checked added freebies went college safe way 5 clearance jumbo meat sticks, didn't have anti-oxidant water so i went to homestead after trying to start car.  i couldn't get it to move i was feeling sick and sore and couldn't get the key out.  i hadn't started the engine, left it in gear.  i drank half bottle h-203 to get oxygen to brain.  fires making smoky overcast no air. homestead no sushi combo.  i got all cal roll, 3 sliced cheese.  home i ate tasteless leftover pork loin broccoli after adding balsamic vinegar sesame seeds.  i could make anything tasty.  

i got home 2:50.  didn't even consider 'love boat.'  i got home perfect time.  

forgot about wheel of fortune and listening to 'love.'

considering whether i want hot dog or hamburger tomorrow.  i don't know.  supposed to be cooler because of smoky skies.  

wonder filled

woke 4:30 prepped fit kit.  watched sponge bob and almost fell asleep.  

mailed fit kit at mall.  i went late to seniors having readied myself for library day.  i exercised showered stretched.  i had lunch with art, inge, hell.  i suddenly remembered book mobile return.  i took cody orange and rice crispy treats.  greg, hell's boyfriend showed up late.  hell and inge wanted something sweet so i volunteered rice crispy treats i was going to drop at st just.  for art and maurice too.  i drank 2 milks that upset my stomach.  tasted so good.  i went upstairs and computed to be close to restroom.  waiting for my stomach to settle i flashed on veg store on the way to cup library.  i bought blueberries and corn 3/99.  

cup library i returned 7 and picked up class stretch.  i went upstairs to compute and stay close to bathroom.  2:30 i was done and got home before 'love boat.'  i nuked one corn.  the best ear i've eaten yet.  so sweetly satisfying.  i ate spaghetti and bread.

i've been moving in a thoughtful way.  i can still hear my family in my head always yelling at me to go faster.  they weren't the smartest people just the most lethal for me.  brain science according to aarp eye contact stimulates brain activity an exchange of energy.   

i'm babying my riled stomach goes directly into my back it's all connected.  took kava muscle relaxer.  

exercised

got to seniors 9:30 saw kelly in the gym.  it's going so smoothly.  i showered and washed the shampoo brush.  my legs were sore but i stretched it out.  i'm feeling tired.  old white man sitting next bike volunteered there's no pandemic when asked to wear mask.  he believes trump cured the pandemic and according to science there's no global warming.  republican science.   

jenny fur was typically condescending.  newsletter said doors open 10:50 not.  today's daily word 'pray for others.'  i am.  

i finished charging chrome while computing, gaming, sweeping.  i thought about cup library and decided tomorrow i'd be more rested.  i started leaving off the back brace until time to drive and it's working wonderfully.  easier to move around.  with the increased circulation i'm healing faster.  

woke 4 am

i watched exercised 7-8.  took my time getting to seniors.  checked my libraries.  showered and biked.  lunch with art and inge uneventful.  lovely.  upstairs computed, gamed, sweeps.  2:30 i packed up and home.  quiet peace filled. 

i forgot new world

i'm sore all over.  i set out bins.  stretched, exercised the only way to reduce pain.  still feeling a little anxious and unloved.  

senior center opened 7 am.  i went to main drop off pick up.  Sara lucky's for bread. 

10:46 came inside lunch.  hell and boyfriend there, art, inge showed up late with maurice so i sat next table.  so peaceful by myself.  i ate 'hawaiian ham smothered in raisin sauce roasted yams.  i ate ham yam dumped raisins and sauce.  veg blend broccoli green beans bell peppers i dumped bells.  so satisfying not to be forced to eat what i don't want.  i washed plastic upstairs in car to dry.

computer room all to myself until stinky man came in talking to himself.  i left decided early home.   brought in bins. 

sun day resting

i actually enjoyed my home.  i feel at home.