WORRY

I NOW KNOW MY ENTRIES AREN'T COUNTED AS PAGE VIEWS.  I WORRIED ABOUT THAT.  MY FAMILY INHERITANCE.  THAT AND ALCOHOLISM AND SUICIDE.

IF WORRYING WERE AN OLYMPIC EVENT I COULD HAVE BEEN A CONTENDER.  DELORISE LUCAS RECOGNIZED MY SELF-CONTROL AND COMMITMENT.  THE ONLY ONE.  OR MAYBE AUNTY TOMIE.  I DON'T KNOW.  I DELIGHT IN NOT KNOWING.

I ACCOMPLISHED EVERYTHING I NEEDED TO DO AND DIDN'T OVERDO.  A BIG WIN.  I'M GETTING PRETTY GOOD AT SLOWING DOWN AND SAVORING MY LIFE. 

WHEN I DID KARAOKE ONE OF MY STANDARDS WAS SABOR A MI.  I DIDN'T REALIZE I WAS SINGING TO ME.  I HAVEN'T BEEN APPRECIATING MYSELF.  I HAD NO PERSONAL EXPERIENCE.   I'M LEARNING HOW FROM MY LADIES AT SRS.

BIG WIN

I WENT LATE TO G2 AND THERE WAS A LINE AT THE SHOWERS, 8 AHEAD OF ME.  ASIAN FAKE SHRIMP LINES UP BEHIND SAYS, HOLD MY PLACE IN LINE WHILE SHE GOES BACK TO HER LOCKER. I LOOKED AT HER AND SAID NO.  SHE WENT OFF ON A RANT I WAS RUDE NO MANNERS.  I SAID DO I LOOK LIKE YOUR MOTHER SET HER OFF ON ANOTHER RANT THAT SHE ASKED ME FOR HELP AND I DIDN'T HELP HER.  I TOLD HER SHE NEEDED HELP I WASN'T IT, SHE COULD HAVE GONE AND BEEN BACK IN THE TIME SHE WAS ARGUING.  SHE DIDN'T ASK ANYONE ELSE.  SHE CHOSE TO HARP.

AND I FEEL LIKE A BIG WINNER.

I WALKED TO SFWY AND GOT PNUTS, BLACK ANGUS GRASS FED CHUCK ROAST, AND REMEMBERED $5 OFF GIFT CARD.

WALKED AROUND LUCKY'S-ZERO.  I'LL RESET TO SARATOGA STORE.

I ATE LUNCH 1 PM AND I'M FEELING A LITTLE QUEASY BUT I'M OK WATCHING JEOPARDY AT 1:30 FRIDAY.

I'M FEELING SO MUCH MORE.  I SPENT MOST OF MY LIFE SUPPRESSING.  THEY DID EVERYTHING IN THEIR POWER TO KILL MY EMOTIONAL LIFE AND I WIN!!

I WROTE MY BILLS, PAID PROP TAXES ONLINE, LAST STEP FOR INCOME TAXES DD.

I'M SO PROUD OF MYSELF.



 

SWEET LIFE

AS A CHILD I LOVED HALLOWEEN.  GETTING FREE CANDY WAS SO COOL.  I WAS NEVER GIVEN ANYTHING.  I EARNED EVERYTHING I GOT.  I COOKED AND CLEANED FROM 8 YEARS OLD FOR 5 OF US.  I WAS THE MIDDLE GIRL.  SO AT 8 EVERYTHING WAS MY RESPONSIBILITY.  I WAS THE FAMILY DOG.  EVERYTHING WAS ON MY SHOULDERS.

I MADE MY CANDY STASH LAST 6 MONTHS.  I GOT USED TO A SOUR EXISTENCE FOR 6 MONTHS EVERY YEAR. I LIVED LIKE PERSEPHONE. UNTIL I TURNED 16 AND WAS TOO OLD. 

I WATCHED FLORIDA PROJECT AND SAW WHAT A HAPPY CHILD LOOKED LIKE. 

I HAD FLEETING MOMENTS OF HAPPINESS.  NOW I AM ENJOYING THE SWEET STUFF.  I DON'T HAVE TO SUFFER TO PAY FOR THE SWEET. 

   

GRATITUDE

I'M FEELING GRATEFUL.  I'M ONLINE, AT HOME WATCHING MY EQ DVD AND BLOGGING.

I PICKED UP THE CHROME BOOK YESTERDAY AND COULDN'T GET ONLINE I THINK BECAUSE THE COLD BOUNCED THE SIGNAL.  TODAY IS NEW.

10/4.  THE HOURS I SLEPT.  MY BACK WAS SO BAD I DID A LOT OF STRETCHES TO STABILIZE MY BACK AND MY RIGHT HIP IS CLICKING.  I'M READY TO BOOK AN APPT/DR.

AND I'M READY TO GET MY TAXES DONE.

I HAD THREE PCS OF CHEESECAKE LAST NIGHT SO MY SIGHT IS BLURRY AND I'M OK WITH IT.  PROBABLY WHY MY BACK AND FOOT ARE COMPLAINING.  THE THREE LITTLE PIECES WERE DELICIOUS.  AND SO CUTE.

MY RA MUST HAVE KEPT ME FROM EATING SWEETS AS A CHILD.  MY BODY WAS MORE IN CONTROL OF MY CHOICES.   THE BIGGEST DIFFERENCE BETWEEN KIDS AND ADULTS, "GROWN UPS" THINK THEIR MINDS CONTROL THEIR LIVES AND KIDS DON'T THINK AND LET THEIR BODIES RUN THE SHOW.  KIDS ARE MORE ACCURATE.

I WATCHED THE BIG SICK AT THE LIBRARY AT 2X SPEED AND LAUGHED AND CRIED.  GREAT MOVIE.  I DID EVERYTHING I WANTED.  WELL, NOT EVERYTHING.  I'D LIKE TO HACK DOWN THE YARD IF MY BACK COULD TAKE IT.  GIVEN ENOUGH TIME I CAN REHAB MY BACK.

4:30 got my freebies from sfwy and she overcharged me $.49 for the scooby doo fruit tape.  TODAY WAS THE LAST DAY FOR PRODUCE AND PIZZA.  IN THE OVEN NOW.

23 TICKETS

AND 4 BONUS.  I THINK I FIGURED OUT HOW TO CHANGE MY HOME STORE.  I BLEW IT ON THE CANNED VEGS THO'.  OH WELL, LIVE AND LEARN.

SO MANY NOISY PEOPLE AT SUNNYVALE LIBRARY LOOKING FOR ATTENTION LIKE THE CRYING BABY. 

I'M HERE AFTER G-2.  SO FAR A GREAT DAY.

$5 FRIDAY

I THOUGHT I LOST 2 DVDS WHEN I COULDN'T FIND THEM AT HOME OR IN THE CAR.  EH.  THEN WHILE PLANNING MY SHOPPING I FOUND THEM IN MY BACKPACK.

I CONSIDERED GOING TO SFWY B4 SRS AND DECIDED TO GO AFTER.  I LOOKED AROUND ST J, FOUND A NEW SWEATER $4, AND WATCHED LUCKY.  I CHECKED CLEARANCE AT SFWY FIRST.  I BOUGHT RIBS $4/COUPON, CHEESECAKE SAMPLER $5.  8 MINI PCS OF CAKE.  YUM DINNER.

EVERYTHING HAS BEEN GOING SO WELL.  I'M SO CONDITIONED TO CRISIS.  I'M LOVING THE PEACE AND QUIET.

AWESOME

I'M FEELING VERY RELAXED.  SRS LUNCH OK.  I GOT TO PUZZLE AND TUB AND CAMPBELL LIBRARY RUN.  BBB I GOT 3 LAZER BONDS/GIFT CARDS.  ST J CLOSED SO I SAVED $.  I WATCHED WAR FOR PLANET OF THE APES.  SO VIOLENT.  I WENT TO NEW PARK OPENING ACROSS FROM KIELY HALF HOUR.  TWO CUPCAKES.

I CAME HOME AND WATCHED ROUGH NIGHT.  IT'S GROSS AND FUNNY.  I'M HAVING FUN.  I ATE LEFTOVER BEEF, BEANS & COLESLAW.  WHITE BEAN CRACKERS.

too much

THE CREAMED TURKEY WAS TOO RICH?  MAYBE TOO MUCH FIBER WHOLE WHEAT PASTA.  UPSET MY STOMACH.

I'M BETTER.  I BOUGHT SOUP AND ADDED BREAD.

I'M WATCHING ROUGH NIGHT.  TOO FUNNY.

GETTING THERE

I'M ARRIVING AT MY OPTIMUM LIFE.  PERFECTLY IMPERFECT.

I TOOK OUT THE TRASH AND RECYCLE.  WENT TO SRS, PAID DISCOVER, HUNG OUT WITH MY LADIES.  TOOK MY TIME.  IT'S ALL MY TIME.  I PUZZLED TO MY HEART'S CONTENT.  I HAD 2 LEFTOVER CREAMED TURKEY/BISCUITS.  GOT TWO DVDS FROM MLIB.  WATCHED ONE MOVIE, LOGAN LUCKY.  I WAS HOME HAPPILY BY 4.  I MADE WHOLE WHEAT NOODLES FOR THE TURKEY.  BISCUITS/BUTTER.  YUM.

SO MUCH TO SEE. 

NEVER TOO LATE

I WATCHED THE SPECIAL FEATURES FOR PARIS CAN WAIT.  ELEANOR COPPOLA AT 78 DIRECTED HER FIRST FEATURE FILM BASED ON A TRIP SHE TOOK THROUGH FRANCE.  AT 78.  SHE MADE DOCUMENTARIES AND COMES FROM A FAMILY WITH THE CONNECTIONS AND HOW BRAVE.

WE LIVE IN A WONDEROUS TIME.

MIRACULOUS MAYBE.

SO SORE ALL OVER

I'VE BEEN ORGANIZING MY TREASURES.  STUFF TO OTHER PEOPLE BUT LOVINGLY GATHERED BY ME MAKES IT TREASURE.  I ALWAYS THOUGHT THERE'S A PURPOSE TO THE STUFF.  AND EVENTUALLY IT GOES TO THE RIGHT PLACE.  LIKE THE PURSE HOOK I HAD AND GERTA WANTED A PINK ONE FOR ELSIE.

AS A CHILD THE IDEA OF A PIRATE TREASURE CHEST FULL OF JEWELS OR ALADDIN'S CAVE WAS ROMANTIC.  JUST THE IDEA.

SO I'VE BEEN MOVING STUFF AROUND.

LUCKY DAY

I WENT TO 24 HR-M/N NEWSPAPER, SFWY POPCORN $1, 9 TICKETS, SRS INGA GAVE ME SHAMROCK SCARF, BOOKMOBILE 3 NEW DVDS I'VE WANTED TO SEE SINCE THE OSCARS; DISASTER ARTIST,RED TURTLE, LOVING VINCENT.  PERHAPS THE MOST FAMOUS SUICIDE IN THE WORLD.  APPROPRIATE SINCE SUICIDE AND ALCOHOLISM ARE FAMILY TRADITIONS.

MY LUCKY DAY.  GOOD LUNCH, I GAVE LITTLE HELEN 3 MILKS.  ST J VISIT.  VILLAGE GREEN LOTTO, HOME 2:45.  ATE RICE, LENTILS, PORK LOIN, YOGURT, REESES' PB CUP.

JOURNALING

I DON'T KNOW IF IT WAS MAKING FRIENDS AND INFLUENCING PEOPLE OR I DESERVE LOVE OR MAYBE BEN FRANKLIN'S AUTOBIOGRAPHY OR IT'S JUST ME BUT I LIKE LOOKING BACK TO CHECK ON MY EVOLUTION.  PROGRESSION?

I'VE BEEN JOURNALING FOR 42 YEARS NOW AND IT HELPS TO HAVE A MIRROR TO SEE WHAT I'M DOING.

THE BEST PART IS I CAN GO BACK AND CHANGE IT.  UNLIKE REAL LIFE.

EZEKIEL

HE WAS AT SRS LAST WEEK TALKING TO MY LADIES AND THEIR FRIENDS.  TODAY HE WAS SITTING AT THE PUZZLE TABLE AND OFFERED TO MOVE BUT I HAD THE SUNDAY PAPER SOMEONE LEFT.  NO TV GUIDE.  I WASN'T PLANNING ON MORE PUZZLING.  I PLAYED EARLIER.

TAKING MY TIME I DECIDED TO WASH AT THE LAUNDROMAT B4 SRS.  I WAS UNCERTAIN ON SWIMMING.  HAVING OPTIONS IS WONDERFUL.  I DON'T HAVE TO KNOW.  ON ARRIVING AT SRS I CALLED PCH.  I PUZZLED TIL I REMEMBERED I NEEDED TO PAY CITY AND CONSUMER CELL.  SO I WENT UPSTAIRS.

HE ASKED ME SOME QUESTIONS ON WHY I WAS THERE AND HOW I LEARNED OF THE SENIOR CENTER.  SO I TOLD HIM HOW MOM WAS REQUIRED BY KAISER TO TAKE AN ADULT ED CLASS IN CONJUNCTION WITH COUNSELING AFTER HER SUICIDE ATTEMPT 1993.  AND HOW AFTER I HURT MY BACK I USED THE GYM AND STARTED HANGING OUT OBSERVING LIFE.

I HADN'T THOUGHT OF THE LONG JOURNEY B4.  I FIRST STARTED GOING TO THE LIBRARY AND THE MALLS TO BEAT THE HEAT DURING THE SUMMERS.  IT WAS TOO NOISY AND BUSY AT THE SENIOR CENTER.  I HAD TO BE HEALTHIER TO TOLERATE THE HUSTLE AND BUSTLE.

AUG 1989 I MOVED HOME TO TAKE DAD TO KAISER FOR HIS APPOINTMENTS FOR PROSTATE CANCER.  NEXT YEAR COLON CANCER AND A NEW CRISIS EACH YEAR.  I KEPT TELLING MYSELF THEY'D GET BETTER AND I COULD RESUME MY LIFE.  DAD DIED SEPT 1999, MOM MAY 2001.

2001-2003 I WAS VERY SICK FROM TAKING CARE OF THEM.  I SERIOUSLY HURT MY BACK AND WAS BESIEGED BY MY SISTERS.  2003 I HAD EXPLORATORY SURGERY AND HAD A 30 YR CYST REMOVED.   I WAS BEDRIDDEN FROM THE BACK INJURY TIL 2007 WHEN I CUT TIES WITH MY SISTERS.

I STARTED TAKING MY LUNCH DURING THE HOT SUMMER DAYS.  SOME DAYS THE LUNCH ROOM HAD EXTRA MEALS AND JESSICA WOULD ANNOUNCE FREE LUNCH.  I COULDN'T AFFORD TO SPEND MONEY.  I WAS BARELY GETTING BY.  KAISER INDIVIDUAL HEALTH INSURANCE WAS $900/MO.

 MY HEALTH FINALLY STARTED IMPROVING WHEN I STOPPED HOUSE AND YARD WORK.  UNTIL THEN I WAS JUST MISERABLE, RUNNING ON DETERMINATION.  T KEPT UP MY SPIRITS AND TOOK ME TO EMERGENCY TWICE.

LOOKING BACK, I'M GLAD I KEPT GOING.  I'VE HAD TO COMPLETELY CHANGE MY MIND ABOUT WHAT'S IMPORTANT.  THE HARDEST THING TO DO.

PERSPECTIVE

I'M BACK ON TRACK.

FREE YOGURT

I MANAGED TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO REDEEM MY FREEBIES.  2 LBS OF FAT FREE YOGURT I CAN USE INSTEAD OF SOUR CREAM AND MAYONNAISE.

I DID MY MONOPOLY AND EXERCISE.  I FOUND CLASS STRETCH ON YOU TUBE.  M-E-WHITE HAD BREAST CANCER.  SHE HAS VIDEOS ON YOU TUBE.  I DON'T HAVE TO BUY DVDS.  I CAN WATCH FOR FREE WHENEVER I WANT.

LIFE IS AMAZING.

wahhhhh

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.  I HOPE I'M DOING LIFE BETTER.

MONOPOLY

TODAY 10 TICKETS, TOMORROW THE WORLD.  I FOUND 5 CLEARANCE SNICKER @$62ea.  THEY HAVE WRAPPERS OF HOT MESS, REBELDE, KNOW IT ALL, ETC.

I'M HAVING SO MUCH FUN.  LAST NIGHT I SAT AND WATCHED DVDS.  TYGJ.

I LIKE READING THE PAPER, WATCHING MOVIES, RELAXING. 

WATCHING LIVING BIBLICALLY

REMINDS ME OF 1985-6.  I WORE WHITE FOR A YEAR IN GILROY.  IT'S WAY FUNNIER THAN MY LIFE THO. 

YESTERDAY I GOT SO MANIC I COULDN'T SLEEP TIL 1:30.  WOKE AT 6 WHEN IT STARTED GETTING LIGHT.  AND I'M FALLING ASLEEP.

ST J DAY

WENT TO G2 MY ARM SORE FROM INJECTION, SFWY 2 PR SHOE INSERTS, PORK LOIN STEAKS 1.79 LBS, PAPER.  BOUGHT SEPARATELY FOR TICKETS.  HOME 10 CALLED T POSTPONE TO NOON.  ATE CUP OF NOODLES AND JERKY.  WALGREEN'S CIGS, T BOUGHT ME CANDY AND LIGHT BONKER.  I GAVE D CALENDAR AND VADER NOTEPAD.  T DIDN'T WANT $8 INSERTS, I CAN CUT THEM DOWN.

I DECIDED TO KEEP ORCHID.

ST J HAD FIRST GRADE CLASS, SO CUTE.  HAD FUN.  WENT TO MLIB AND GOT DISCARDED SIMPSONS COMIX AND PREVENTION MAG.

AND I HAD A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP.

normal

I WENT G2, LUCKY'S PORK LOIN, OATMEAL 100 PTS, 3 BAGS CROUTON, 2 BAGS PREPPED MUSHROOMS, KOMBUCHA, COCONUT CREAMER, ORCHID.  GOOD BUYS.

I'M STILL PRE-D.  I ACTUALLY HAD A GOOD TIME AT MY CHECK-UP.  HILARY WAS SO NICE.  I GOT MY PNEUMONIA BOOSTER.  BLOOD TEST; MY KIDNEYS AND LIVER ARE GOOD.  OXYGEN 98%.  LUNGS GOOD.  DR FRANK WAS POMPOUS AND COMMITTED.  HE WANTS ME BACK IN THREE MONTHS FOR FOLLOW-UP.  PRETTY GOOD CONSIDERING I ATE RAMEN FOR LUNCH AND WHOLE BAG OF BBQ CHIPS.

IF I EAT ALL THE FRUIT FROM SRS AND LESS SWEETS I'LL BE TOP.

I STOPPED AT MLIB FOR RUTH COLVIN AND SHE'S JUST AS VIBRANT AT 101.  I HAD A BIG PIECE OF CAKE AND 4 SMALL BOTTLES OF WATER.

FEELING ADULT

I'VE DONE MY BANKING.  I HAVE TO REMEMBER TO CHECK CU BALANCE.

I EXERCISED.  MONOPOLIZED.  I'M EATING MY FAVORITE, P-CHIPS.  YOGURT.

TOMORROW I GET MY CHECK UP, AND WANT TO GO TO RUTH COLVIN'S 101 YR CELEBRATION AT THE LIBRARY. 

SUNDAY-T BOUGHT ME A SURPRISE TO EAT.  AND IT'S ST J SENIOR OUTREACH LUNCH/BINGO.

TYGJ.