Maude suicided at 80 mom died 80

the Kaiser counselor called her not taking her meds Mother's Day 5/13/2001 passive suicide.  Ail Aiko insisted I look through mom's purse to find her meds.  Ail maneuvered mom that day running her shopping.  I hope Ail got her money's worth.  the only reason they took mom shopping was to get stuff.  they were always criticizing me for having too much.  then they'd steal my stuff.  I have to laugh at the pettiness.  they were always afraid mom was buying me stuff when I worked for everything I ever had.  

I soaked at 24 stretching for half hour then picked up free orange drink and clearance "crab" for salads!  hurray!!  

I finished upstairs puzzle.  harder than I thought.  

looking back to create my future.

Walter has backed off I trust he's finding a new hobby.  I'm watching and re watching the special features and commentary on Harold and Maude.

lunch cilantro slaw and sweet potatoes best part.   I got 4 extra corn tortillas from Elizabeth and Florence.  the rewards of practicing positivity.  and this morning at 24 Hour I found a quarter walking back to my car.  I love finding money.  and I got extra lunch a chicken quarter, cilantro slaw, sweet potatoes.  

Harold and Maude 1971

I can vividly remember seeing at the drive-in playing with thx 1138 George Lucas before he was famous.  a revolutionary time.  they were constructing Bart and thx was filmed in the tunnels under the bay.  and Harold and Maude was filmed before the Dumbarton Bridge was built.  it's an historical record of the bay area.  Muir Woods.  I went there because of this movie.  

WOW !! and this was way before I knew of grand dad's suicide hanging.  

I'm tentative

10 minute drive.  I remembered to warm up the car 2 full minutes.  so far so good 35-37 degrees.  b'fast senior veg chili full of bell peppers.  

I've been wiggling more and feel better.  allergies are terrible.  more fires.  

an hour to do a 300 large piece puzzle of stamps around the world.  philately.  

listening to releasing guilt.  i can still feel a reaction.  

Woo Hoo!  after a not good lunch I decided to pay PGE and Walmart clearance 2 pairs soft stretchy pull on 2x blue and black jeans for $8.49 ea.  so comfortable.  I walked Lucky's Innovasian fried rice $9.99.  too much.  

I stopped at home Safeway for salad and sale pizza only one left.  I went to price fried rice on sale I got the last pork.  I deserve chicken too.  I put back the pizza.  dinner 1/3 salad and 1/3 rice so delicious.  

programming change

no Split Second.

I saw Jin at 24 hour.  her b'day 4/22 earth day reminded me Inge's 1/29.  

I used old gift card and I still have $96.  

weird I thought I finished Indian puzzle I didn't.  someone tried.  I had to use shades.  all the pieces there.  

and today auto update works.

I want to go to central and cup libraries.  I returned hot spot 11 days over.  125 holds.  Sunny is 132 holds.  I parked in front.  I started to go to Cup and remembered *1.  white woman in big black BMW getting ticket from motorcycle CHP.  PHEW!  lots of library parking at 1:30.  stopped at B King for 2 bacon melts and 8 cheesy tots are salty and home at 2:25 for People Puzzler.  

simple not easy

half of life is just showing up.  I'm deciding what to do when.  watching Temptation.  I'm doing chair exercises.  that and drinking water are the easiest ways to change my chemistry.  too simple for most people.  and the hardest part is remembering.  habits are programs.

Sale of the Century and playing online Mahjongg.  makes me feel close to mom and her poker machine.

I ate second half of rice and peas with sausage.  so comforting.  

11:30 soaking in 24 hour tub doing my stretches.  and I'm being aware.  12:30 ready for burger king.  I decided on 1 mushroom, 1 bacon melts lunch and dinner.  on to Sunny I ate half the bacon melt so YUMMY and picked up a hot spot.  OMG fried onions so good.

3 pm problem with battery looks like dried milk inside won't hold a charge i asked for new battery and they cleaned dried detritus.  best part I didn't have to fix it.  finished the burger in the car.  

stopped at Sprouts $1.99 pie, donuts, mini chocolate cupcakes.  home the mushroom melt so good.  Wedding Planner acting so good.  

BUZZR 4 minutes fast channel 2.4

I forget and miss the start.  I'm used to a restless night so I got up.  I love the morning.  I feel fresh and rested.  I love feeling fresh and rested.

I want to watch 10 am the air I breathe film 2007 I've never seen based on an ancient Chinese proverb.  all about perception.

I finally ate free Skinny Konjac spaghetti with boxed sauce and sausages.  slightly crunchy veg noodles.  tastes pretty good.  makes me wonder if it has any nutritional value.

I'm still reacting to reprogramming guilt.  I'm listening to Releasing Guilt and my body is cringing.  

I'm consolidating drinks and organizing.  and thinking and feeling.  Eric was me.  his sad life was my life.  he and I accomplished everything alone, no family.  no love no support.  we depended on the kindness of strangers.  my desire to help others gives me my purpose.  he gave up.  as long as I'm here I'll be my best.  Hernandez v Hamlet parole denied lists all the trial details.  Eric lived with it for years.  the original trial was two years and then the appeals dragging it all out.  

I'm watching sat night live.  it's been years.