most important easter in my life. everything old is stripped away. i'm eating beneficial herbs maybe why i'm sleeping more. detoxing uses a lot of energy.
i walked to nob hill. used the wi-fi connection. took my time. perfectly cool. bought slivered almonds. home at 11:30 for lunch of rice, curry chicken and canned yams. so perfectly delicious.
and playing healing. i'm doing what i know to do. and i keep asking for direction. i have faith god is all powerful.
i've never been in this condition. all my friends are in the same boat. we are all relying on the kindness of others. we're all old.
depression is a logical symptom. i suppose younger people don't think of aging.
i walked to nob hill encouraged meme to go back to school. i bought hard boiled eggs and p chips. i cooked brown rice and heated curry chicken.
today's daily word. i don't know why i'm still here. i think we're here to forgive ourselves and families.
yesterday i napped 4:30 pm, woke 8 pm missed wheel, slept 'til 2 am watched movie, fell asleep 'til 7:30 am. the only thing i took 4 total beets.
i walked to nob hill to buy chips and salad. bartolo and adele were working in the yard. he's so bored. i took my chrome and updated.
i'm working on forgiveness. seeing everything as love. everyone as god in everything.
i gave her the $5 star bucks i found. i don't know how many years i've had it. bit by bit thoughtfully.
anthem uber terrible. i had to call 3 times half hour late. then after dr limited to return to senior center. i called hopper ashley. right on time.
bartolo and carlos my angels. carlos talked to pedro and $500 to weld the frame so $2500 total to fix the car. doable. the $500 check makes sense.
bartolo is resting. hurray!! i remembered castor oil. and i picked shepherds purse. i guess the idea of cancer freaked me out. reminded me of dad and eric.
senior center makes me laugh. we've had numbers on lunch tables this month but not today. i asked dino today 13 tables but only 11 numbers so not today. lol. i needed a good laugh.
he said he can drive me to sunny. groceries on the patio he wanted acorn squash i took pb cookie mix, tuna, spam. yum.
toki left me cost co pb cookies not as good as chips ahoy. then i won't eat them one sitting.
i called carlos. no return call. marissa delivered me to seniors 8:30. they booked tiron was i glad marissa showed up. i'm learning. not what i'd prefer to learn. i want to learn being calm easily, effortlessly, comfortably, instantly.
i'm living in fear. i went online for the jury. practice makes progress. the website remembers everything. said to check back next monday after 5 pm.
feeling like UBER prey animal. autists natural prey animal. we're without defenses. we are sacrificial lambs.
i had spam and commercial oatmeal b'fast. my eyes aren't happy my sight is blurry too much sugar. and i feel hot and my hips are very stiff. locked up.
i took my car for granted. like the kids who use hopper to go 3 blocks. one of paul's pet peeves. i've had my own car since I was 18. feels weird
lunch ok me and fred. toki meeting friends. bingo ok i decided to go. i started wizard of oz puzzle. i won only cookies. sitting outside waiting for tiron toki came out and offered me a ride and suggested i cancel tiron. too human to pass up i called and cancelled we went to safeway i got the last $5 potato egg salad. offered to split she declined. dropped me off 3:30. i watched people puzzler.
watching 'igor' people act to change their focus and chemistry, to change what they feel. hitler invaded poland, putin invaded ukraine to try to control their internal feelings by controlling an external situation.
tina turner and myself used meditation, chanting, affirmations whatever you call them to change our chemistry thereby resetting our autopilot.
and i understand better. marie's mother died last year. i told her about taking care of my folks 'til they died. her bro and sis in roseville took care of her. she said goodbye in the hospital. i told her she now has direct access to mom. this is why i'm still here and why my car is out of commission. i still have purpose. carlos will look after car repairs for me.
fish lunch ok. toki meeting friends tomorrow.
shared hopper with john in front of center. paul driver called me parked on monroe refused to drive to front so we walked. dropped john at home on to library. i tried for an hour to book ride home 9-3 peak hours for school students. another shared ride with student. home 4 pm. $20 per hour is net. cars are avis rentals.
another new adventure.
very quiet makes me wonder if tiron still driving. i'm watching 'bowfinger' all about making dreams come true.
lunch ok i forgot pickles for r b sandwich again. quarter chicken i didn't feel like chicken today glad i ordered beef.
carlos' guy pedro de la luz arranged for tow $120. pedro wanted $1120 check to cover tow and parts. i called carlos he said no he'd call pedro. carlos called me back and said to pay for tow but parts pay later. i don't know what is expected so carlos i trust.
when i'm ready i'll cash in life insurance to pay for everything.
tiron cancelled 8 am no word. i waited 50 minutes dispatcher said he finished his shift that started at 7 and texted me not. no messages. luys said tiron's wife drives hopper too. probably with whom he's constantly mumbling.
bartolo showed up at 2 pm on the dot. his brother reminded him. he said i look so pretty he almost didn't recognize me. i think he meant my energy. luys picked up someone else. it's good to see hopper working. job security.
i directed him to the store. his wife does all the shopping. i paid gas and cap one i was charged $1.50 card fee. when i called to find out about it neither cap one card co or walmart store customer care knew anything about it. weird. pharmacy rsv shot 20 minutes. bartolo moved car in front called me while i was looking for him. he has skin cancer surgery tomorrow. 4 years ago too. i suggested prayer from his church and better uv fishing hat and protection from sporting good store. sun screen washes away with sweat.
kinesiology student. he likes trumps strength. now i understand trump's popularity. people don't care about democracy or freedom. they admire strength no matter the insanity. trump and putin call themselves democratic presidents. because biden respects the legal process he's labeled weak and wishy washy.
ramon picked up for home. he advised me for return
i walked sans belt to nob hill to update chrome. i bought vindaloo $5 and clearance shamrock hair pins. i wandered around looking at the stores. if i had a working car i would not have taken the time.
i'm using nob and svp connections. indoor or outdoor. i picked more shepherds' purse. bought more salad. i'm getting better organized. progress. after my walk and lunch i have to nap. reminds me of my Sunday walks when i was bed ridden. i'd walk to the corner for the paper. my task for the week. i couldn't drive or sit in a chair or upright in the car. i had friends drive me to get groceries and to the doctor, my entire life. and my sisters constantly tormenting me with lies and threats of eviction. my life has improved by cutting out the liars and cheats like the cancers they are.
wow, that's cathartic. all those years i journal ed in my notebooks. i burned all that pain in the fireplace. the tragedy of eric, his mother was toxic to him. she used and abused him.
i was ready 8:08 hopper 9 am start time sat day so i walked to nob. meme there. i remembered burritos and chips got salad. burrito is my dessert. and i pulled shepherds purse. i put in bucket with a little water.
i called hopper half hour wait i planned plants. tiron picked up lady w/walker told she'd have to manage made me move. he should have dropped me off first we were 2 blocks away. he's one for the books.
i swam, saw melvin in the gym and asked him for a ride, toki, fred, mike were there. i puzzled, melvin was wandering the parking lot even though i told him i'd be upstairs and he's seen me on wednesdays when he visits the nurse. i don't know about people. how is my car wrecked and others are driving around. he drove me home noon.
napped 1:30-4:30 after salad topped with safeway signature cheese sauce, pork cracklings, vienna sausage, cheddar cheese sandwich.
40 minutes later. 10 rides=$17.50. 20=$35. $70=one month. if i figured it correctly. i'm just not interested. lunch was fun with the cool kids. ooh maybe i'll make glazed spam for st pat.
played bingo, read magazine to keep from falling asleep. won gift snack bar. new gal w/flirty hub won. big bev got her shirt and won. jane won. i called for ride then melvin offered i decided to wait for ramon.
flashback to 5 year old me standing by the mail box waiting for the bus. i was always alone.
ramon picked me up quickly. he's so considerate. he remembers our conversations. i was swimming by 9 am returned movies to cody bookmobile 10. i went upstairs to puzzle. i called carlos he was busy called me back. i read him repair names he wanted to check another guy.
lunch good toki said trudy and kenny coming for st pat day we'll need whole table. 1 pm after lunch i called bartolo is taking me to sunny 3 pm. perfect when center closes. i finished space puzzle and started susan's yarn puzzle. tricky edge pieces.
3:20 i called bartolo he sounded sleepy said he'd be right there. 4 pm i was returning spot and movie and picking up 2. home 4:30. 9:30 i don't feel at all deprived of internet like i used to.
my knee still hurts and may be swollen. and i want to include seniors as a designated destination. half hour for morning pick up. very young kupindar? i didn't order lunch for today. nahyung had cancellations for veg chili. eh, i got extra i added t. of hot almond dip. perfect. i wasn't going to go.
lady driver home on time. kush something. i'm loving it. mom always forced me to take care of everyone. i never had time for me. i didn't matter. i'm feeling cared for.
7 pm playing online mahjongg and watching jeopardy. toc could go 7 games.
stated time. he started picking me up and dropping me off in front. i don't have to cross the street.
i know i kept updating so i can't understand my blogs evaporating.
lunch was good spaghetti and meat sauce. fred, toki and mike.
i can't understand how blogs keep disappearing. i updated and voila gone.
i called bartolo for a trip to sunny he has a terrible head cold. i told him the weekend is soon enough but he wants me to call thursday. i cooked fish, heated rice with catsup. so good. last of salad.
i don't want to do anything. so i was home pondering life when my cousin nola called 2:43 pm to let me know auntie tomie passed peacefully yesterday in a care facility. i'm not surprised. the last six years have been hard on auntie too. she stopped eating and faded away. she must have entered hospice when i felt bereft. uncle's obit is online. he died 3 months before eric. i still cry. he was just barely 61.
nola called 2:43 pm left v mail to call back. i don't answer any new numbers. i looked nola up online. same age as alien. didn't have her b'day.
5:30 time to make dinner. chrome didn't charge and my blog disappeared 2 times.
i'm feeling 3 years old when i realized grandma wasn't taking care of me anymore and mom made my 8 year older sister take care of me. mom made my sister my mother screwing us both up. that started the pattern of jealousy. my sister resented me. mom couldn't leave me to be loved by grandma. no one can love me more than they love mom. no one can love me more than my significant other. that's what i imprinted to survive. like a hatching 3 year old baby duck. all my terrible imprinted doomed relationships left me believing i was unlovable. i chose jealous people to not love me like mom. i've avoided relationships. i can't tolerate anymore disappointment. i'm having a conscious nervous breakdown. my entire body is shuddering and quaking. i'm drinking a protein shake to soothe myself i can't eat.
we addicts are taught to hate ourselves by the people we love and depend on the most.
today's Daily Word Timeless-Revelation 21:1 Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth; for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away.
how appropriate for Daylight Saving Time.
Harville Hendrix was correct i've repeatedly attempted to fix the past by recreating someone to love me who's incapable.
my neck is loose and unlocked. i dressed for walking to the market then didn't. i slept 3 hours and rested this afternoon and i'm watching the oscars well rested. i poached frozen fish in honey mustard with rainbow carrots. heated package of cooked brown and wild rice. yay!! me!!
i don't want to abandon charity and chris and john. i hate disappointing people. probably being disappointed by family so much and fear of punishment. st just has been very good to me. i love ginny. so feisty and all loving. like walter i fear the future even heaven. i'm mourning the past.
i'm getting ready for my next step.
i walked to nob hill with 50 bottles meme redeemed. i bought soup and salad and walking home found a yard full of shepherds purse, i ate some. they're clearing it.
i registered for jury duty says within 10 days then it tells me i'm too early. i have to check back 3/29.
i'm paying my bills. i'm copying, updating my phone numbers.
i'm doing what i know how to do.
so many options, possibilities.
i decided to puzzle and forgo bingo. i got extra lunch meal. i don't want to think. i have jury summons on top of everything else. walter came by feeling sorry for himself. he hadn't eaten i sent him for food. he argued he took his vitamins i challenged does he run his car on oil or gasoline. he understood. we've had this argument many times. he went to eat yogurt and sardines. terrific protein load. we chatted 'til 2:30 when i called to book a ride. no problems. he waited with me 'til tyrone the mumbler showed up. walter's always dragging up the past i told him to reset his auto pilot. what does he want to see in his life rather than constantly replaying the past that will only create more of the same. focus on capitalizing the good in his life. more please.
my digestion and back are better.
he came on time, u-turned, picked me up on my side of the street. such a gentleman. seniors 8:20 am.
i remembered the bookmobile. as i was going out Inge was helped to her car by staff i think she fell. she looked rattled. i can pray for her.
what a weird day. i puzzled 'til my hair dried and chrome charged after lunch. trudy kenny fred, mike came for lunch. pretty good turkey loaf. I bought a $5 lunch bag for dinner. 1 pm i called for a hopper christian said my name was wrong and refused to get me a ride no supervisor no support no help. 2 days to address the issue i need a ride today. told me to open another account with another phone number, credit card and e mail. so i looked online for chat decided to call back ask for rider support gigi checked no problem got me a ride Ramon showed up 20 minutes later. so if i hadn't been put off i wouldn't have gotten Ramon. walter stood with me with his rooster.
i'm in shock. today too weird even for me.
9 pm now, checking my city library account i suddenly have a $14.39 fine. i went round and round trying to figure out for what i'm being charged. under fees it says there are none. i e mailed asking if this is like the phantom juvenile graphic novel that suddenly appeared on my account. i confuse easily.
at least i have wheel of fortune. i am content. regular wheel preempted by the state of the nation at 10 pm.
tam said later mostly students. also the bus stop is most requested hub so gps directs drivers there. makes sense. takes half an hour to complete the ride. dispatch submits proposals to drivers who decide to accept or ignore. it was so rainy. half hour to seniors. showered, swam, puzzled.
lunchtime sun coming out. toki, fred too late. he cancelled then came. crowded not enough places salisbury steak and mash. melvin asked if i wanted a ride yes please. he's married, second wife 1 child from first wife. home relaxation rest.
i called carlos and left message for juan. then i tackled anthem my account unlocked. mary came through.
i called 8 am half hour to ride. 10:30 am i was showered, swam, sitting pondering. i decided to postpone bookmobile. i can go anytime. even after car is fixed i'll use hopper. so nice to be chauffeured. meeting new people in a safe environment. driver michael an avid reader potential writer.
my left leg and hip are stiff and sore. the water massage was wonderful. i needed it. i went upstairs to puzzle and considered calling anthem and benefits. nah, i need more fun so i puzzled. brian showed up to talk to nurse. fish lunch was good with toki and fred. then melvin said he was going to sv cost co would i like a ride home, yes please. so home early i started going through papers. dinner i heated chicken corn chowder. i toasted last 3 corn bread. so delicious.
he's always working. and now i know how he stripped the avocado in one day. Friday he picked all the cactus.
my back is finally hurting from mom. between my shoulder blades feels like a pillow of pain. cleaning out car found anthem prime 1/29 r'c'd.
i asked if Bartolo will have time to run errands he said 2-3 postponed from Friday. i called at 2 left message. 3 pm i called again he said he was tired but i can't tomorrow. he picked me up 4 to sunny then paid cost co bank, star 1 deposit and unity check, cup 12 returns 2 pick up and home 5 pm. i called nations benefits frozen i explained my lack of expertise Mary put in request to unlock tomorrow after 8 am.
i watched 'the old maid' 1939 bette davis and miriam hopkins. an unusual movie for the time. the same morals until about 2000. a woman driven plot. independent women with their own money. wow.
i'm missing eric. 6/6 is boy's day and he died 6/13 his 61st b'day 3rd. his 2 b'days.
watching 'roise and frank' an irish film entirely in gaelic. very good. 1932 bette davis' first film 'the dark horse' political, campaign, election.
i took my time, an hour at simmer to slow cook a lb of bacon in the microwave. check every half hour to avoid sticking and rotate. i usually cut it up and stir fry. this time i laid out strips on parchment paper on a newspaper topped with parchment and paper towel to soak up grease. i used to collect the grease but then i never used it. 3 strips on my green salad with cornbread. house smells delicious.
i accomplished a lot. located car pink slip, ss card, birth cert. checked over tax return. online payment options.
i'm teaching myself to love and care for myself. criticism and humiliation are weapons to control others. when reinforced with physical and emotional violence 100 % effective. my self criticism is milder easier to let go. i misplaced movie to return and the pain was lying beneath the surface. what hurts the worst is their betrayal. family is blood connections cellular bonds. when they betray me they poison themselves. makes me sad.
toki and bartolo left me 2 pm messages when i was shopping waiting for ride. bartolo called 8:30 am parked outside. i picked up free lucky's water and free big lots bought amino for toki. then i forgot chase card drove back home i left garage open when i got opener. whew!! bart took me back to bank i withdrew he dropped me off library 9:45 for taxes. i forgot to give him $70 for garden and $20 driving 'til he asked. i'm in such a rush. when i mentioned hopper drivers $20-23/hr he told me one eye after stroke. he doesn't like driving. he's taking his brother to do his taxes and he drives to stockton where his tax person moved.
toki called again she bought safeway deli salad she'll give to trudy since i have. so sweet.
i forgot ss card. because ss income 1099 this year last year they waived it. this is only place required. 2 hours noon started 11:15 i'm munching survival shortbread bar. 1200 calories. and i have free waters. well played. lisa gone asian kathy very sweet. we went through checklist and she says sit back relax. i am. finished 12:30. i forgot ss card and routing numbers not on last year. walked over to st just 2655 called hopper asked call back. phone didn't ring missed call. parked across street i waved my arms big time he u-turned and home.
hungry i heated beef salad mac egg. so good.
8 am sitting waiting for via hopper to answer. 45 minutes so far. i have a lot of time to explore my phone. i did a little arranging in my car. so many memories. it rained so everything is wet, 54 degrees. a new day.
i'm looking for the rainbow. it rained and everything is wet. a break in the clouds. like valentines.
i finally noticed my phone mutes after i call so i don't hear the call back. i checked volume got a ride. seniors i showered and stretched, puzzled for a bit. lunch fish ok. melvin, his chinese friends, toki . so much negativity. i decided no bingo. business first. called bartolo he's gardening. maybe banking tomorrow. i decided to go to home safeway for friday deal. i bought mac egg salad, cheeses, finally fresh apple dawn power wash $4.97 with a coupon refill came to $1.60. smells so good. salad mix. i'm set for the weekend.
carlos came by with 1993 white corolla $2600. checking online $1600 kbb and edmunds value. he's maintained it 20/31 years. says $1k my car as is. mine is 16 years 47 k miles versus 200 k miles. and with the terrible drivers i probably need the heavier car. and their numbers are growing.
