watching 'concentration'

eating steamed veg hot dog.  i was so hungry it tasted so delicious.  

chrome quit last night wouldn't turn on.  so i decided to go to main to return debated keeping hot spot kept it.  went early walked checked st j.  second chrome didn't work either.  must be dead batteries.  third one fine checked hot spot setting.  it's much smaller.  cute.

went to grocery outlet walked store 4 lbs quinoa.  on to Lucky's 2 x points finally remembered to add game reward bonus points.  

even better.  i kind of knew last night the replacement chrome book would be better.

my hip and rib

mini corrections have unlocked 35 year injury.  muscles are in chains and unlock in sequence only.  finally relief of a sort.  i woke 5:30 from the pain release felt like heart attack.  i want to stay asleep when i cross.  watched 'concentration' and 'now' while making quinoa a la king b'fast.  i'm running hot and cold.  

seniors calm quiet in car.  listened to 'love' all morning and driving and now 9 am.  thought about estate sale.  i loved the remodeled bathroom, backyard hot tub, office.  i thought Inge's house was nice this was better.  did my computer, stretching, picked up lunch.  in car decided to go Benton to Lawrence Lucky's talked to 24 hour table Geraldine opens May 21, 9 am.  leaving i remembered i wanted b king chicken fingers fries.  i remembered everything.  felt like a miracle.  home 1 pm i ate fingers and fries.  yum!  

i'm done

i just wanted to be normal and live an average life.  maybe loneliness is normal.   i'm still waiting on love.  my grandma and cousins loved me just none of my family.  we moved to the mainland when i was 4 not understanding what happened to all who loved me.  made my autism so much worse.  occurs to me disruption triggers autism symptoms.  possibly many outgrow symptoms through brain connection developments.   

i've never lived.  i'm praying for a better world for all.  praying for others works.  

watching old cartoons i realize so much of my childhood as a latchkey kid was formed by unsupervised tv.  

seniors 9:11 signal from hot spot strong but only 2 bars on hot spot.  i've visited dollar store to restock ramen and Target bought sun seeds.  one step after another.  

trying new behaviors takes so much additional energy.  stopped at estate sale beautiful house custom bath, outdoor hot tub, added office backed by bowers school.  amazing.  i bought fryer tray $2 and 2 hooks $2 + .36 tax.  i've never been charged tax at an estate sale.  huh.  came home added sun seeds to slaw, and lemon juice, sun seeds, almonds to rice.  

my skull so sore.  i shampooed with moisturizing slippery slick.  i've been feeling greasy.

listening to love

i'm feeling anxious with changes.  'concentration' replaced with health ads and second half of 'now you see it' is back.  nicotine and sugar free gum not good.

it's offline again.  and it resets page.  i'm wondering if it's worth the effort.  hauling it back and forth.  

reading 'boy who felt too much' same conclusion as mine.  it isn't normal people who advance civilization it's special ones.  we empathize truly.  without empathy civilization will consume itself.  we're drowning in unchecked abundance.  global warming is global.  there's nowhere to run nowhere on the planet to hide.  Putin is creating more contamination pollution besides the loss of lives wasted.

i don't feel adult

i feel adrift.  i lost all settings when the hot spot connected.  a chance to decide what's important enough to recapture.  i have to turn on spot every time i close disconnects.  

sitting senior parking collecting my soul listening to love.  ideal would be hot tub.  oh, well.  i'm planning heaven.  walking distance or better.  maybe i'm too limiting.  sometimes seeing too small inhibits manifestation.  

9 am time to go in.  i could never be true to myself or have loyalty when i had to hide who i was to survive.  and now i've changed.  i can see the users and step away without feeling sad.  

i keep losing the connection.  it's so weird.  the hot spot does weird things.  i am getting good at reconnecting recovering my settings.  my reactions are better.  i don't feel as frustrated.  or maybe it's the 3 hour nap.

i have to remember to turn on hot spot b4 chrome.

adult lock out

i finally went main to pick up hot spot and instructions.  sat in parking ate lunch to build courage.  only 10 minutes for Paul to step me through connecting.  and i'm home listening to healing and figuring out blog.  locked out of adult child no problem.  i had to log back in remembering how.  whew!  i did it.  

feeling free of pain and sleepy.  napped half hour.  feeling floaty from fun.  

sitting outside sunny lib

it's odd that it plays healing if i work on another page whether internet connected or not.  i picked up free nitro Pepsi from L ex lucky's and free water with $5 Friday sushi at Maria safe way and came here.  i ate lunch at home messy fish sand i added coleslaw and opened can more sweet pot with cinnamon i have a desire for.  and some celery last night.  my body is telling me what i need.  my allergies responding to snickers i ate last night.  dinner is covered.

i prefer 3 days off from seniors.  so much more relaxing.  don't know why except change from routine.  found new 8 oz water in parking lot to replace i gave to Walter.  and new mask.  breaking even is behind.  i want to be ahead.

an hour listening to healing.  i added new game code to lucky's and $3 rewards for onion tater tots or frozen fish or broccoli i want to buy next time.  i'll have with eggs.  

spinach artichoke souffle

bacon gone already.  oh, so good.  i remembered i can compute and indulge at Panera.  John Fernando suggested order online or phone.  i can do that.  my reward for new behavior.

i remembered during 3:30 bathroom break to pay discover due today and 6:30 between my tv game shows i paid by phone.  slowly surely gently i'm healing body mind spirit.  seniors i computed 'til 10 visited Cody bookmobile then stretched.  ate lunch quickly with table planning to pick up hot spot at main but closed 'til 3 so tried check cashing to pay pge waited half hour wasted.  came home 1:30 watched whew!  still hungry ate quinoa with chili and corn made more quinoa.  fell asleep watching tv.  

i'm loving the freedom of doing what i want.  not enough to fear death.  remembering 3 deaths helps.  

NEW BE HAVE

10 am. seniors.  i computed sunny vale library parking lot and after 20 minutes gym 2 for soak.  i had to go back to car forgot towel.  done by 9 i drove to front of safe way.  nothing.  i scanned nothing and wanted to walk cool down.  

yesterday i checked e mail from seniors computer missed freebie minute maid can juice high fructose corn syrup.  drove home to eat lunch and didn't feel like sunny.  i started sewing mom's royal blue peacock feather fabric.  i do love taking my time.  i used to feel so guilty and apprehensive of punishment.  i think most people aren't aware of what they're feeling they just react.

i'm enjoying living my feelings.  successful people accomplish through their passion.  focused laser like emotional energy.  i was punished for feeling and i'm still learning sorting what i feel and want.

wed 20-oh, yes my time.  i didn't want to but i went seniors regular time.  feeling so tired.  computed stretched.  Walter was waiting for me lunchtime.  his life and mine parallel.  stayed talking 'til 1:38 then home rested relaxing.  

Panera!!

New Behaviors!!  i want a world of PEACE.  i deserve a world of PEACE.  everyone deserves the world they desire.  i'm at Panera internet.  no souffles i bought brioche used $2 coupon.  oh well disappointment big autism deal.  maybe why ADD component is self protecting.  impossible to hold on to resentment.

i woke very clear I need to pray unceasingly for peace.  I need to see a world of peace around me.  my autism makes me well suited for obsessively praying for peace.  autistic are prey for a purpose.  our purpose is to bring PEACE.  my dreams were very clear this morning.

drove to trinity missed driveway went back.  the internet is down.  Joe M is my tax person.  he's just as nervous and anxious.  everyone is anxious doing taxes.  most people have way more money.  it is now 9:32.  i told him about one bank number and he still asked so i don't know if he heard me.  he has industrial hearing aid.  he has smart phone and mobile hot spot so i really don't know.  my blood sugar is off the chart.  i can tell from my bloodshot eyes.  drink more water to dilute.  i made premixed oatmeal.  i could have eaten quinoa with soup.  boiled over.  simmer is too hot warm 5 minutes is correct setting.   

stretched computed picked up lunch.

fry 15-spent the day cooking and resting.  baked drumsticks, potato, squash.  prepped and ate lettuce wraps.  cooked new batch quinoa using chicken gravy.  i decided no wheel, games, computing.  no driving.

sat 16-i'm giving myself healing.  baked 2 chick thighs 2 to go.  i'm pampering babying me.  no one else will.  i made quinoa with the juices.  i'm dealing with my fear and the leftover heartbreak of the family home.  i process neutralize leftover emotions.  everywhere i've ever lived.

sun 17-happy b'day everyone.  jesus gave us immortality.  the valley of the shadow of death.  i've been yelling at myself for not healing faster.  what's wrong with me still processing my sadness and depression when it isn't mine.  probably the previous tenants in addition to the entire family.  i'm so conditioned to negativity.  3 days without listening to healing.  now i understand wanting to run away from all this crap.  not my crap to clean up and yet i do.

i charged phone Cathy received card fry day left message she's in the money.  i returned call, left Walter message.  remembered yesterday phone bill due paid phone by phone so easy.  i've always paid online but i didn't feel like driving to get internet connection.  NEW!!  ME!!

st just pantry

by accident.  i drove to main library to pick up "coming 2 America" on hold.  being Woden's day closed 'til 3.  i stopped by st just to check left overs and they were still open just noon.  and i left Inge's clothes.  i got to rant with Chris about Ukraine.  then i remembered i wanted quinoa from grocery outlet.  they only had little 16 oz bags.  home i put everything away, ate ok lunch, cooked 3 egg sandwich.  debated going to library.  wanted to check Arques route past Panera souffle and possible 24 gym tomorrow.  left groceries i won't use.

i napped hour and half

my autism is exhausting.  so much pain was locked into my muscles.  my physical survival depended on sublimating my fear and hopelessness.

i'm feeling pressured

could be imminent rain.  i don't want to do anything yet i must breathe and eat and do and be.  my 2 yr old is screaming.  no no no no no no no no.

did my stretching picked up lunch stopped at nob hill for olives what a deal.  i'm feeling blue.  i don't want to fix or replace the refrigerator.  washer i just go to laundromat.  i don't want to be owned.  the more i own the more responsibility.  

i'm cutting fabric and slowly sewing.  i'm enjoying the process.  i'm using castor oil as a moisturizer.  hand of Christ Palma Christi.

watching the atrocities in Ukraine reinforces my this is a bad environment for the innocent.  a terrible world of torture and pain.  i'm in emotional torture.  i've spent my entire life in pain.  autistic have heightened empathy suffering their and our pain.  mom beat and abused my sisters and i suffered 3 times their pain.  no wonder i'm exhausted.  just being around others is painful.  

the stretches are releasing muscle stored pain and abuse.  the emotions are there.

latest yet

spent yesterday and today resting.  my life has been forced.  the house and yard accurately reflect the interior of my family.  so much of the world is how people pretend and project what they want the world to believe.  actors are revered for pretending.  my family pretended everything was fine blamed me for they're not being fine.  nothing to do with me.  dad wouldn't let auntie adopt me so he had a scapegoat to blame.  

home 7:30.  i picked up burger king and jack in box chick nuggets.  mom and dad had fast food all the time.  so easy no shopping prepping cooking clean up.  old age needs to be a time of relaxation and soul preparation.  retirement a time of ease.  seniors becomes all doctors and medical appointments.  now that's depressing.   doctors act like they own us.  

my new schedule 'whew!'

ptsd washing my hair hearing mom ranting about me wasting water washing my hair more than once a week while Mitzi washed hers every day and Aileen twice a day.  the injustice still rankles.

i think i like the level of tension on the 'whew!' tv show.  comfortable manageable.  i feel in control.

sunny library i found excellent book on autism and the ideal family.  my mother abused me to "toughen" me up.  her excuse when i called her on it.  Lorenz Wagner the boy who felt too much.  translated 2019.  reading without glasses hurts my right eye.  my far sight.  i've always been near sighted left eye far sighted right eye balancing to 20/20 but with age related slowing down it takes longer to adjust.

online i decided burrito Chipotle.  picked up on way home.  just right carnitas black beans cheese.  extra tortilla 30 cents.  home i used chicken cabbage rice quinoa to make second burrito.  watched tv reading book during commercials.

i tried sleeping for an hour reading book 3 am least amount of psychic static.  too good.  autistic brain too much electrical activity.  autism sensory overload tilt reaction.

th 4/7 2:53

i forgot to open page.  started the day with bacon souffle.  so good.  after seniors i ate at home and napped.  sunny library late i rushed.  i was elated going after jeopardy and wheel i did my computing ahead.  

yesterday and today 10 minutes of hoeing.  i seem to be ok.  i don't know.  Trudy is back from 2 week vacation.  gym feels weird without her. 

91 degrees and i'm ok.  Art is bleeding from his blood thinners.  i prefer water.  lots of it to chemicals.  on the way to seniors i saw estate posting eventually looked it up online and drove by after lunch pick up.  an hour i saw everything bought new small rubber maid 4 drawer organizer $2 with small lock 1 key safety pins, small Plumeria lotion $1, Oxo plastic veg knife $1.  dime from uncle.  score!  whew!  city newsletter says Saturn day city wide garage sale.  

Cathy sent me Easter card so i have over week to reply.  ty Cathy.  

the new me is enjoying going slowly.  i'm doing everything in baby steps.  after lunch i went to library then g2 safeway for bread, almonds, lettuce didn't ring sale price $.98 so i returned.  

for pete's sake

found in Ellen Degeneris book while waiting at seniors half hour to pick up lunch.  i finally know a Pete.  the new lunchtime is dragging out lunch hour.  10-15 minute line is now 35-40.  

i love the option of eating lunch at home or the library parking lot.  i was so tired yesterday i stayed home and rested.  new behavior not forcing myself like the family always harassed me 'til i gave in and did what they ordered.

i'm cooking all the pantry food.  i cleaned and diced some cabbage and apple.  with the grains and chicken complete.  aarp article 30 grams protein necessary morning to replace muscle loss for the day.  must be morning consumption for success.  

if i knew what i'm doing maybe i would feel more secure and confident.

lackluster lunch

ate chili for b'fast potty runs all morn.  senior showers fixed 11 i forgot time change lunch service to 11:30 so i was early.  i'm up to disc 3 of workshop doing micro stretching throughout the day.   

8:30 am on the way to seniors i went Panera for bacon quiche gone settled veg and target sunflower seeds tried to use card forgot pin.  called target customer service phone tree reset.  whew!  life is too complicated.  i feel like we're all living in a concentration camp.  technology and electronics have made life more complicated.  doing the right things makes life flow smoother.  still not simple or easy.  

today first day of lunchtime change to 11:30 on a fry day?  silly senior center.  i saw and said hi to toke.  she prefers late lunch pick up after exercise.  the good part i added online freebies from 11:30 e mails.   lucky's 12 oz coke with coffee so delicious and 1.5 chocolate Easter bunny big lots.  sunny library i enjoyed listening to healing with the windows rolled down and sun shades.  

sun day- 12:30 pm been awake since 3:30 am.  i made oatmeal b'fast for lunch i cooked 7 drumsticks so delicious.  i shredded ice lettuce for balsamic salad.  so good 2 servings.  i cooked last potato and zucchini.  my method for cooking drumsticks so easy.