best eve ever

i got up at 8 took my time going to gym, got detoured to library 58 % charge.  i did minimum and back to gym.  i charged chrome while changing, put things in locker and soaked stretched.  shampooed and finally used dryer.  decided to check safe way.  bought 4 mini parfaits and Chinese 2 item meal only 39 cents more than panda and no driving.   used last of gift card.  still only 85 % charged i went back to library.  listened to healing ate almost all noodles, mandarin chicken, sweet sour pork.  left groceries picked up file folders.  

remembered last day lucky's free soda yogurt, walked store.  last day big lots $5 off $15 found freeze dried pineapple and strawberries, great red white black plaid new york laundry hoodie, vitamin c candies. 

i keep thinking it's saturn day.  it's fry day.  my back is popping and crackling.  home 5:30.  ate meatloaf with grits, cooked onion carrot for tomorrow.  ate 2 mini parfait chips dessert. 

mmmmm

sitting eating lunch sunny vale library parking lot.  it's just starting to sprinkle.  i like the cozy sound.  and it seems to make internet connection better.  

i'm watching 'beautiful day' fourth time.  i could watch it all day if i didn't have things to do.  that's how kids learn.  repetition.  i'm retraining myself to attract good people.  i've always gravitated to poison people 'cause that's what i knew.  consciously logically i tried to find healthy people to learn from and emulate but the visceral emotions is where the energy, power lies.  i can change.

being in the library is a neutral place.  i can consider, formulate.  computed, gamed, analyzed how i feel.  gym 2 and home 5 pm.  good days work.  dinner all ready.

wow keeping it together

i started watching mr rogers movie.  i've been afraid of being disappointed.  tom hanks is usually silly.  not a disappointment.  after 15 minutes in i had leg chills.  run away!!  it brought up everything i never had in a father.  my dad never had in a father.  the world i a better place because of fred rogers.  that's what i want a better world.  that's all i ever wanted.                                                                        i did my lunch routine.  computed charged listened to healing at library.  filled water and went to gym.  nob hill more meat loaf.  and this new year will be great.   

seems to be working my energy back

i went to cost co 8:15 am and drove right in and got gas but not good seal so not topped up.  then on to gym 2 shampooed soaked stretched taking my time.  walked safe way for mac nuts and Ritz crackers.  11 so on to seniors.  art all alone i sat and Greg showed up i waited 'til toke came and walked out with her.  drove past main closed.  too rainy to leave groceries st just back to sunny vale library.  returned 'coming to america' borrowed 6.  forgot to check nob hill $5 moon day so went.  frozen meat loaf 32 oz.  nuked ate half with bread and lettuce.  yum.  tygj.  i don't know what i did with mail.  i got excited over grocery ads.  i set them somewhere safe.  and i think i'm ok.  cooked onion potato for tomorrow.

misplaced mail replaced by excited over celebrity wheel-your guess is as good as mine,  i'll never hear the end of this.  

repeat still good.  better than most programs.  i'm ok.

low energy emotional hangover

sitting sunny vale library parked listening to healing.  reopens tomorrow.  i was feeling anxious bach rescue pastilles.  debating on soak stretch.  feeling tired i don't have to.

i cooked sewed and sorted yesterday.  did a little too much couldn't sleep.  i used leftovers to make new.  very satisfying.  63 years of cooking has lost its appeal. 

cathy called noon feeling sick 47 second call.  i prayed for her.  her sister invited then uninvited her.  i know it hurt her feelings.  like when tom's niece did the same to me.   

i'm enjoying the peace and calm processing years of fears of not knowing the level of family violence but always anticipating and ready to run hide.  processing the emotions is my exhaustion.  takes a lot of energy not to run hide anymore.  not to scream and cry or be punished "i'll give you something to cry about".

i just realized i hadn't received my life bill and checked the garage there it was from late fry day.  i took out garbage added from street and recycle bins.

making me laugh, feeling good celebrity wheel of fortune-thousands and thousands of selfies:  jumping jack nicholson.

don't have to be anywhere

sitting s v library healing music.  heavenly.  gaming computing an hour already.  time flying.  it usually crawls.  next gym 2 by shortcut.  so effortless.  and on to Wendy's.  biscuit only served 'til 10:30 and not $1.  i went to burger king 2 jr and 2 fries.  perfect with chili.  dessert strawberry cheerios with quick and almonds.

while in the area big lots sunflower seeds and beets i didn't notice the cancer warning on label i have until 1/23/22 to return.  

best christmas ever.

sunny vale

i did my computing and went to gym 2.  i took a new way.  i didn't realize how small g 2 is.  so easy.  not many people so i parked front row.  shampooed soaked stretched.  i drove to seniors contemplating target Santa Clara.  and tomorrow after gym Wendy's for bacon biscuit b'fast.  or maybe before.  

Inge gave me tin of butter cookie.  i waited 'til 11:30 considering going back to compute or target decided not and home 11:45 'f troop'.  resting.  i'm feeling my rebirth.  

safe way

i was so angry Rena @ Maria so busy flirting with customer before me failed to scan my card.  gypped me out of a dollar.  i have to let it go and bless it.  

i'm getting used to the routine.  

i picked up lunch and directly to s v library.  eating totally supported in comfortable seat in car listening to healing is heaven.  closed tomorrow.  at least i can use internet.  i bought $11 movies for my holiday presents.  looked through an entire box just brought out.

went to target s v closed.  WOW!!

renewed secret

i'm holding my breath.  went to seniors relaxed in a sunny day.  organized in car still no internet.  picked up lunch, toke right behind me.   i put in car and waited for gerde 'til 11:45 no show.  went directly to sunny vale library ate lunch in car listening to healing.  1 pm went in 'til 2:30 pm on to gym 2.  soaked and stretched home 4:15.  just starting to rain.  i don't remember feeling so cold but must have been.  north wind, brr.

i'm feeling so calm naturally.  it's so new and foreign.  i almost burned the ribs.  i heated them microwave 18 minutes medium.  at 15 i checked and they were candied bark.  i let them cool.  no waste, all bits rendered to crunchy goodness.  with 2 toasted croissants and last tamale.

i've had a cold.

for the past 3 days i felt off.  sore spots around my tongue that lasted only hours.  so i didn't recognize the symptoms until this morning my stuffy nose i thought was allergies.  didn't go away with herb so i tried c and i had a cold.  

i went to seniors couldn't use chrome internet connection problem.  lunch they were late opening so i walked park stretched.  back ok.  picked up lunch drove to main to have Darryl fix connection.  Paul tried but locked out.  said i could use it in sunny vale and yes, city problem only.  

ate lunch 1 pm parking lot and went in.  charged chrome, gamed, listened to healing.  bored filled water, decided nob hill half rack ribs and 5 tamales came home 3 pm.  ate 2 ribs 3 tamales.  yum.  

i added cleaner to softener and pressed light display to rest warning.  started flashing 17th to 21 installation 4 month period.  i have 2 extra bottles cleaner.  next time i know.  sears was much sturdier.  oh, well.

spent hour looking for pge bill to pay and i did it last week.  i finally looked in paid.  i can imagine the family 'oh, you'.

what a life.  i'm still ready to go.

noon my first nicotine gum

woke 6:30 knowing i needed water softener cleaner at some point.  so i went to lucky's first for free soda still thinking about it.  burger king b'fast 2 bacon croissant, 2 coffee, 2 hash browns $5.46.  walked over gave homeless coffee 3 sugars and hash 3 ketchup he wanted cream i told him i had to go.  shocked me.  ptsd my family never satisfied demanding more from me.  punishment, humiliation.

feeling disoriented i got lost going to home depot.  asked, on cleaner aisle 45 i couldn't find it.  back to customer service waited for associate, it was there all along i just couldn't see it.  bought 3 @ self check added receipt to manual.  autism overload.  so much unfamiliar stuff confusing.  my familiar mess comforting camouflage from sisters stealing my things.  

sitting in car in front sv library enjoying my croissant, hash, coffee.  today's word 'joy' i'm learning what it feels like in joy.  back totally supported in comfort.  went into library charged chrome listening to healing.  uh oh, chrome froze.  i successfully turned off on reset major tabs.  

i went to gym 2 at 4 pm.  soaked and stretched.  home 5:45 the opposite of working nights putting myself and ex through college.  i ate second croissant and hash, called paid discover.  cooked onion potato egg cheese for b'fast tomorrow.  

wow!

woo hoo!!

i couldn't have planned it better.  i started on my way to gym 2 at 10 am 45 degrees.  i let car warm up well.  found parking front row.  shampooed, soaked stretched 15 minutes.  took my time dressing.  thought of picking up lunch Wendy's wrong street.  stopped burger king noon 2/1.  gave one to homeless in lot.  went back way to Benton to Kiely to homestead past st just at 1 no line.  picked up meal gift cards to safe way choice lucky's or smart final.  on to main returned and picked up movies, charged chrome, gamed.  listened to healing and came home.  perfect.

used to be fry days.  the water softener started flashing.  and all my ptsd chemicals triggered, cascading through my body!  panic, deer caught in the headlights.  impending doom.  i took a deep breath and my brain racing what i need to do.  critical path management.  glasses to see instructions, light to see inside cover,  add cleaner, need solution from home depot, where and when.  where did i put booklet?  slowly i calm myself.  mom and dad always panicked tearing and rending all around them.  the example i lived with all my childhood.  the genetic connection denied.  it's not the end of the world.  breathe.  

must be me

check engine light like 2 weeks ago Kiely x Monroe.  39 o s.  8:15 Carlos Hernandez on phone loan repayment terms.  after he reset computer i gave him $20 for lunch Merry Christmas.  i just want him to know i appreciate.

i'm feeling very insecure.  i don't know what i want to do.  just finished lunch.  lucky's free Karoun spreadable yogurt.  nothing at safe way ad.  i'm looking online since i didn't get them in the mail.  and i'm ok.  a little annoyed and still ok.  i just feel so tired.  

my hips are always better after exercising.  i may be having mini strokes.  today i can spell.  some days it takes me awhile to figure out some words but that could be my autism.  or being distracted.  

watching Christmas movies i know i'd rather be by myself than with my insane sisters or annoyed by anyone.  i can be and have exactly what i want without being criticized or humiliated or embarrassed.  peace.

stayed up to watch 'generation a' 2014 each of us unique.  that's one thing they got right.  i'm binge-ing autism.  

mary-el

6:30 lucid dream of India 12 yr old boy with broken back in bed.  i visit him with his younger brother and sister to say stretches will heal him.  he laments he lost herbs i say he doesn't require it.

one of 3 visions i had from 1985.  i died 3 times from back injuries.  in India being ridden down by messengers,  south sea island shark, in Britain battle by broadsword.  

i watched 'now you see it' and ate egg omelet.  watched news and 'sit and stretch'.  dressed and to seniors.  showered, stretched, book mobile.  picked up lunch sat said hello to table and Walter came with diorama present.  i asked him to carry and we put in car.  i snacked beef stick and we went fireside room talking 'til 1.  my right hip screaming i took willow.  Walter kept rambling avoiding saying anything.  i kept him on track.  he walked me to my car i gave him red robin gift card for Christmas.  1:30 home i ate lunch and eventually stretched enough for my hip to settle.  

the planner i picked up is another moon calendar.  i wrote out dental bill so i'm in good shape for next year.   

so much tension

it started at birth.  my folks fighting.  family secrets.  always on alert.

i forcefully, consciously relax my body and exhale.  my stomach upset.

1:25 music starts.  

lunch is so pleasant in the car with my music.  toke stopped to say hi.  i remembered her house number hurrah!  she wanted to take her card.  i made out my cards , stamped them and forgot to go by the post office.  i love gaming.  

dollar is now dollar .25

i went and stocked up local store.  did my routine and ladies auxiliary lunch of best stuffing i ever ate, roasted red potatoes, turkey slices, cranberry, roll, pumpkin pie bar.  the table helen complained of stuffing.  go figure.  toke got great parking despite the crowd.  hurrah!!

i noticed next year otc walmart book different back brace i want old one.  i called eduardo got cut off so online i think i ordered 2 braces, 4 h2o2.  we'll find out if it arrives Thor day.  i used #item not description it came right up, magically appeared.  i put it on discover.

don't know what

chrome froze i shut it down and i'll deal tomorrow.  i recovered my blog.  hanging out at sunny vale library before it rains.  i got to gym 2 just as it stopped.  i'm feeling so lethargic.  must be the hamburger.  i'm eating half lb a day since fry day.  i am sleeping soundly.  sat day i stayed in bed 'til 10 and rested all day.    

came home 4 pm.  i couldn't tell if i felt tired.  i used their computer and listened to healing 3 hours.  i put out garbage and recycle.  thank goodness still light enough dad's wiring needs hour half to dry out.  he scared me standing on their cheap sagging dining table changing florescent  bulbs.  he kept insisting it was the fixture when it was obvious to me it was the wiring.  

pray for caregivers-dw

while i was setting up to eat in car Walter came so i opened trunk so he could sit on camp chair.  inside senior center i paid city online charged chrome.  he enjoyed sitting in fireplace room.  we talked 'til 2 when i came home to cook onion carrot potato to add to soup.  watched musicals.  restful.

page wouldn't open

so yesterday i picked up lunch early.  went to st just pantry no line.  whole frozen chicken i didn't want to cook.  and fruit, canned.  i still have last month's frozen drumsticks.  came home ate lunch felt ok called Raymond took braces and extra groceries i sorted in trunk.  he stared ranting about Kaiser so i left went to Walmart for gum, clearance and pecan pie.  brought in what i wanted squash, baked beans etc.  cooked ate cauliflower.  

i considered coming 10 but let my body lead.  so here i am.  i remembered prop tax and looked for senior exemption school county i already get.  fee is applied by each so i paid half.   doing due diligence.  i offered toke the pie she only wanted the kiwi.  more pie for me.  

i computed 'til 2:30 stretched 'til 2:50 changed taking my leisure.  arrived early office has wifi- HappyTeeth.  jen cleaned and polished. $35.

called eye app 1-17-2023

dr mark soonest.  $2450 yearly exam w/o insurance.  dentist tomorrow 4 pm.

i don't know.  all this new behavior setting off autism alarm bells.

walter remembered

he brought me chocolate covered marshmallow and chocolate bars.  he's so funny and sweet.  he made a special trip.  he knocked on car window as i was eating lunch listening to healing.  it's working.  we talked 'til 2 wandering the center.  then i bought meatloaf @ nob hill and 2 clearance 99 cent spray veg wash.  

sunny vale library-GLOBAL WARMING IS ALL ABOUT MANKIND CONSUMING ITSELF-WAKE UP PEOPLE!!!

i'm stressing out.  i watched fighting on the tv while dressing at gym 2.  what a waste of energy.  i'd enjoy these healthy buff young men building a house or doing anything constructive that adds value to the planet.  i find sports boring.  when we had a world where physical prowess was important like roman gladiators 2000 years ago it was sensible.  but today the shame of the handicapped is all based on an outdated obsolete notion that only the physically fit add value to society.  with technology that's crazy.

1960's we called it conspicuous consumption.  so we've known a while.  consumption is what they called tuberculosis.

my back

i woke knowing what i've been doing wrong.  i forgot Thomas Hanna studying how babies grow muscles.  they stretch and rest.  stretch and rest.  i've been beating myself up like mom did to me expecting crazy results.  i'm letting go of the self judgment.  

i soaked at gym 2.  my right foot is so sore i can barely walk.  better after i stretched.  found a wells Fargo visa card on side walk tried to get mail man to take it to bank, not on his route.  debated where to leave it started to safe way some branch inside when owner came around corner looking for it.  whew!!  more clearance croissants and tahini.

i always notice things.  half a dozen people milling around and i'm the only one who saw it.

sunny vale library discovered 'i survived...' series.  bears, no wolves.  home for lunch and 'concentration.'

even earlier

doing new yesterday gives me hope.  today driving to seniors check engine light came on i called Carlos he was busy 'til after lunch perfect.  i showered, exercised, computed added freebie, picked up lunch talked to toke.  ate in car listening to healing.  called good time for Carlos.  he reset computer maybe O2 sensor or i didn't let it warm up it was so warm this foggy morning.  could be the bad air quality.  probably bad air quality.  i gave him apple and extra milk from lunch.

so i went to college safe way iceberg lettuce $.98.  found 2 new bottles Kirkland water.  i remembered Coleman cost co gas mile and half.  filled up although long lines tough maneuvering through lot.  then i stopped seniors to reset chrome.  on to pay Citibank and pick up lucky's freebie Laird veg creamer and health warrior oatmeal, clearance $.99 baby salad mix.  said hi to Cathy.  home 2 pm.

i can't believe how much i accomplished.  

slept to 'poirot'

new behavior always riles me up.  woke feeling restless.  so i went to work early.  sat in the car and marked closed library days.  

i'm feeling a little depressed

first of the month blues.  i mailed life ins. banked chase.  and yet i have no feeling of accomplishment.  no satisfaction.  home 1 pm 'gigi' a musical of an intended courtesan marrying.  i don't understand.  i don't need to i just need to let it go.

i said hello to table and gerda misplaced her meds she just bought so i went to her car and found them.  i know that sinking feeling.  so i'm home resting with my feelings.  tomorrow big day of help.  ride to check up.  

i experienced 2 body quakes while totally relaxed watching 'Poirot', 'the labors of Hercules'.  she was the ultimate predator camouflaged.  scary.  like my sisters.  the first body quake was like the opposite of a stab, a surge of energy radiating out in a 3 dimensional wave.  almost bounced me from the bed.  the second was still startling.  nothing like it before.