i had no idea-end of month anxiety

i didn't know what exactly i wanted to do.  i watched exercise 6-7 ate rest of pasta jack fruit.  then ruminated.  i checked on blue and forgot at home.  i wonder what past event my body is remembering.  i considered 24 hour gym.  which one.  Arques, Sara, Fremont.   i'm feeling a little tired.  today last day $5 off bakery.  

8:30 i dressed and just moved.  i packed almond bear claws.  mixed amino water.  9:30 sunny library with loans.  i had no idea due dates.  favorite tree parking.  no computer reception today.  i picked up 1 bottle 1 shirt.  i went to front and time to go in.  i decided i didn't want to watch loans.  returned and found '#1 ladies' and 'mike & molly' for next week.

i sat my favorite table.  played games, sweeps, scratch.  checked city county loans.  ate my claws 1 pm.  good with amino water.  life is good.  i can pick up sandwiches home journey.  now what do i want.  

i controlled myself.

i didn't get carried away and insist on doing more.  i rested and relaxed and let myself heal.  the family always demanded more until i broke to prove to themselves they were superior.  that they could break me.   

i lost all my settings and regained them.  not as freaked out just shocked.  i'm surprised i didn't loose more.

jack fruit seems more likely is the tree of knowledge in the garden of Eden.  the uses are a dream.  termite proof wood, shade and food.  

lunch was ok.  i wrote out life insurance, card to firemen with $35 gift card, auntie and Catherine.

den fell in parking lot and it's taking 2 men to help him up and into his car.  i took care of dad all alone.  no wonder my back was wrecked.  den disrespected me and i know to give den a wide space.  Asian men.  men.

happiest blog has pink and green heaven.  6-12-2015.  and i'm still demolishing-constructing my life.  the mess in my life.

two years before Eric died.  he had stomach, lung, spinal cancer over years.  so much like my family.

i printed out the page.  when i started earnestly physically chose to plan imagine what it would feel like.  the physical follows the spiritual so the mess is the appearance of change.  what to keep and what falls away.  like a festering wound healing.  Aug 31,2012 daily word 'i love my life i have no regrets' i shared with dentist fairy whose nephew was killed on his bike.  she resurfaced my teeth for no reason weakening the integrity of my teeth.  she did it just for money.  started me thinking.

1:30 accident red car / gray car Monroe X Harrison streets.  weird day.  

i decided i wanted sushi and free antioxidant water went to college safe way.  found 2 lbs fresh blueberries $5 too.  yum dinner.  i misread garage sale actually garden sale plants.  home i watched 'love boat' and rested.  Catherine called she got into senior housing next week rotator cuff operation.  took me 10 minutes to add to my phone.  she's getting new computer next week.  

i cut more cactus

it's teaching me to be so careful.  and to pace myself or get stuck.  i think the jack fruit helped my digestion.  veg dinner is better to sleep on.  i filled half the bin.  i could use the other bin.  if i get ambitious.

yesterday seems an eternity away

i want out.  heaven is happiness.  i spent the morning looking for my other green pink gym bag not yet if at all.  i'm sorting what i want.  i'm feeling sad or tired or both.  i watched my exercise and moved along.  

i'm feeling overwhelmed.  maybe depressed.  i don't know.  i dreamed of Joel w.  i'm resolving my past.  i'm repulsed by most people.  or maybe their agendas.  he had a nasty agenda.

back of pelvis so sore. 

Inge insisted i sit at table.  i wanted to sit next table behind since hell and boyfriend taking best viewing seats.  Inge moved over and Hilda set another place for me.  i feel humbled.

i went college safe way for bread and iceberg.  very limited breads.  

home 3 for 'love boat' is the perfect time to rest my body.  gives me enough time to ramp down to rest.  

i finally cooked the jack fruit.  i followed the directions on the can.  i cooked Annie's mac broccoli and combined.  tastes great.  i boiled the fruit and it tasted ok as is.   

von dutch motorcycle 21 k.

hour shower

i dressed to trim cactus.  since i was ready after this morning sprinkle i went to arques=scott 24 hour fitness.  i have to take i.d.  i have one green pink bag the other has my locks.  i used an extra lock.  my left hip pins needles.

this is life as intended.  lily of the field.  i just need to find other lilies.  

i made tuna salad on bread with cucumber b'fast and i'm hungry again.  lunch quiet.  i puzzled while finishing charging chrome

lovely uneventful day.  i appreciate timelessness.  

home by 3 i had rest of tuna lettuce salad dinner.  chips.  

Laff laundry

dropped off extra food st j.  considered going straight to seniors decided to wash.  i am blessed.  

10:30 .4 mi seniors #1.  had lunch with art and inge.  gerda still laid up.  we make our choices.

i decided to come home after lunch.  i decided to forget slow computer games and sweeps.  i don't need the aggravation and didn't want to wait for seniors reopen.

thanking g j.  i left my room open, the window and drapes.  it clouded over again so it was still nice when i closed up.  i was more tired than i knew.  i'm so grateful.  i used the cart to bring in the laundry basket saving my back.  i hung the sheet and mattress cover in the garage.  i used the new rack for the huge spread.  it doesn't quite fit so i'll turn it until the cover and sheet dry and i can drape it over the other racks.   

i forgot i have the last of the veg and chicken for dinner.  i'm getting better pacing myself.

seniors

i considered 24, laundry i let go and here i am.  did my walk stretch feeling peaceful.  walked waited for man in mustang to drive into ask about center.  like i waited for him.

oh!!  i got a pillow and folding stool for wooden bench.  if i wanted i could get burger king.  i did.  yummy!!

never before.  i would have felt guilty.  of what i don't know.  maybe having a good time.  i was always punished severely for being happy.  and they always knew no matter my demeanor.

my right neck is suddenly stiff and cramped like an old injury.  they were always jumping out and hitting me.  terror for me was their funny joke.  

today is Christmas in July.

Saturn day Sunnyvale library

i made pickle egg and p'nut butter honey sandwiches.  corn chips to fill in and all the water i can manage.  i watched exercise 6-7 made and at my b'fast veg chicken omelet.  cut cactus 7 shade and cool even easier than i remembered with saw and pitchfork.  small paddles i used meat fork.  a few thorns i removed easily from my palm before they set.  watered porch plants.  and i still feel good.  i used to feel so sick.

then i loaded laundry, removed seltzer, loaded excess food too.

i'm sitting in my best spot.  close to facilities.  post to support me, feet up on chair.  i got to front and remembered i left films in car.  i returned one and renewed rest.  i considered bringing player i have all summer.

this time is my reward for forgiving myself and all.

i kept falling asleep 3 pm home by 3:30.  i'm moving slowly.  i'm ok.  moving slowly carefully.  i wore back braces since 7 am so itchy when i removed.  

hope 1965

delusion or hope.  i don't know.  mom burned me with incense when i was 8 to expiate her parents sins when they died.  pretty crazy.  

i've tried to heal my back 20 years now.  i'm ready to quit.  the house and yard need so much attention i don't have.  i want fun.  

i'm forgiving myself for being a child.  alien set me up (pimped me out) to get herself a date.  i didn't know better, she did.  i was powerless.  

so far so good

$tore exchange for garbage bags.  main drop off pick up.  

seniors i didn't want to eat inside so i took my fatty greasy skinny curry chicken w/brown  rice to the car.  what a mess.  the cauliflower full of red bell pepper i could feel my feet swelling.  the carrots a soggy mess.

i went to america's tires for air pressure top up.  1 lb low.  last year even i would have been exhausted.  i went to bed/bath w/gift cards and walked store.  i found clearance clothes drying rack $9 back to car for coupon.  so much fine print i took w/rack.  can't be used for clearance.  feeling good i don't care.  i celebrate.

back to seniors after considering going home, main no shady parking.  so i'm sitting in air condition my feet up on chair.  if only i had chocolate.  

i ate too much.  i had rice and eggs, onion potato carrots, cookies, chips.  slept sugar coma half hour.  my back hurts and stomach churning.   

nothing on tv tonight early bed and movies.  

Walmart paid p g e/ tsa travel extension may 3, 2023

9:30 and raring to go i stopped $tore for 2 amber wash, 2 chips no kettle, pant liner, clearance 4 garbage bags, 2 scarves, 3 laundry, wax paper, u v light.  remembered pay p g e Walmart bought 2 H 2 o 2.  4 cents cheaper.  mailed pch entry.  

seniors tiny ok lettuce wrap lunch.  i come for the surprise factor.  got next month menu early today i turned in and checked all regular meals.  new for me not to wait for duplicate and here i am another new behavior.

sitting waiting for reopen at 1 listening to releasing.  i still haven't written auntie or firemen yet.  and i'm learning to be ok with it like yesterday i left Walter at 2:30.  the old me would have sacrificed my pain for his.  not because i'm better but because caution trained me thusly.

home at 3 for 'love boat.  reassuring to watch simple relationships.  watching 'man from snowy river'  one of the few happy memories during marriage.  going to the movies.  his only suggestion for saving our marriage didn't balance his cheating though.  if the marriage hadn't been so horrible i never would have noticed how my family betrayed me my entire childhood.  

and yet i put myself and ex husband through college.  i did it.  

front page spanish ad recall newsom paid by republicans threatens micro chipping immigrants 2:07 pm

feeling fine.  i don't know.  yesterday must have been deeply buried emotions i released last night.  we'll see.  woke 5:30 am and started clearing the clothes on bed to corner bed/rm.  took stretching breaks.  

mellow. 

 

myra care more

i finally called back and connected.  she's sending fit kit, transferred me to Elizabeth member services regarding social worker.  i need authorization from Dr peter.   23:30 minutes.  i forgot to ask for phone number.  everything burned up in phone April.  checked online got it.

i skinned, defatted, 13  little chicken thighs i cooked in 2 batches garage micro.  left to cool down.

i'm feeling dreadful.  waves of terror.  feelings of worthlessness.  tuna sandwich full of raw onions white diced and red sliced.  i picked out as much as i could.  gave me a stomach ache.  the salad was big but the dressing horrible.  i couldn't eat it.  well, i tried.  i considered giving it away but i was hungry.  i even ate the apple, drank the milk and fruit punch..  

i took out and brought in garbage and recycle bins before seniors.  i charged chrome during lunch and upstairs watching 'no, honestly.'  down to 38%=1 hr 19 min.  

home by 3 for 'love boat.'  ate corn bread soup.  i deserve fun.  i shredded 4 c. chicken.  made lettuce wraps b & b pickles.  pb honey butter bread for dessert. 

restless midnight removed clothes from bed to corner bed/r.  found back brace extensions.  

must be critters

knocking things off the dashboard.  my mask and sometimes my calendar.  

tv is powerful.  the juxtaposition of micronesia forces serving in afghanistan and the drivel on 'sun day morning.'  america's latest slave population.  no jobs but the military.  saddens me. 

noon-went to college safe way planning home and returned seniors.  

unlimited

lucky's freebie=44 cents limitless lemon, grapefruit seltzer.  i picked lavender flavor.  i got to sunny vale library and the parking was full of volunteer cars for book sale.  

i made potato-onion-egg sandwich for lunch and hot oatmeal for b'fast.  i love cooking micro wave.  i got hungry and ate 11:30.  1 pm i remembered sale and did walk about looking for kelly howell and movies i didn't have.  i found louise hay' heal your life' 2017 edition the year she died at 90 8/30.  it will go well with my 1976 'heal your body' booklet.

lovely calm day.  i'm grateful.  so much of my childhood was sheer terror and utter chaos.

st just

not really.  i didn't open the page and wrote everything next day.  

i went to home stead safe way for $35 gift card to thank firemen.  then seniors i played games/sweeps on auto door bench.  it has a nice angle to it.  i decided to pick up st just pantry.  end of month all the surplus is too much.  6 cucumbers is too much.  a few carrots, potatoes, onions.  can tuna, interesting soft 24 oz bag chili no beans, rice, lots of can pears, frozen chick thighs, ground turkey.  took me an hour sorting and putting away.  i'm proud of myself.

my shoulder blades are hurting.  i'm doing exercises with elbows to waist stretching every night before sleep.  my neck directly connected to shoulder blades..  

not yet

my right shoulder blade is hurting.  i finished folding and put away clothes.  i'm back on track.  not quite ready to counsel/hypnotherapy.

i called con cell to switch phones service, paid bill.  got call back cherise switched line without sim card.  i did not know 911 can be used no service.

didn't book mobile.  no time.  waiting for call back over an hour.   renewed m c escher online.  2 weeks.  

lunch 1 frozen fish square, watered beans broccoli cauliflower, canned tropical fruit.  

i'm back upstairs feet up listening to stress free.  heavenly.

so lovely sitting in front of seniors listening to 'healing'

i slept well especially considering how much i did yesterday.  i'm getting myself back.  i spent a frustrating half hour waiting for con cell to call back but maybe i didn't press the right button.  i decided to leave home 10, got in the car and remembered fill up car.  i thought and went cost co.  green lights.  came to seniors lovely mediocre lunch just like mom made.  

walter showed up and we had another 2 and half hour counseling session.  too much.  i drove second gear to ecr.  left at 2:30.  folded some clothes.  stretching out kinks from yesterday and feeling ok.  stomach good.  ate cheerios strawberries sliced almond dessert.  

laundry

i was in car 9 am intending seniors and decided to wash laundry.  then seniors i charged chrome during lunch.  picked up holds main veg/fruit store 2 pints strawberries.  cup library new hours 10-6 m-sat.  computer 1 hour only.  going home house on dunford freebies on side walk i found doll furniture, tiny kettle, paper clips, nail for kitchen brush/dust pan.  

 home watching 'love boat' i washed and prepped strawberries, made big salad, sliced almonds, sunflower seeds, senior lettuce, beef jerky, yogurt.

used cart to get laundry from car hung easily.  

watched tv 'great race', around the world in 80 days' mellow evening.

i decided to do only what i want.  got to seniors 10 the sun day paper was waiting for me in the driveway.  i walked and stretched then sorted through the paper.  i went in to lunch at 11.

gerde was late.  i sat with inge, art and helen.  i started to tell them about whole foods and helen interrupted.  such a 81 spoiled child.  i called her on it.  talking about sunny vale knowing nothing.  hilda added another chair for gerde.  i charged the laptop.  i left and decided i wanted to sit on the bench by the door 'til 1 and walter showed up.  i sat talking to him 'til stinky man came and sat down next to me so i got up to put my things in the car.  we listened to 'healing' 'til they reopened and went upstairs to the computer room.  stinky man came in so we left.  i asked walter if he wanted to sit on the patio.  yes.  i asked him to go and find an outlet to plug into he asked if i had a cord.  i used the potty and realized his question was crazy.  once i plugged in the chrome i asked him what he would have said if i hadn't a cord he didn't know.  weird.  he's just like me a little behind in time.  i hope it doesn't take him 20 years to get over his dad's death.  

2:30 i decided i wanted to watch 'love boat and he remembered he needed to move his camper and take his vitamins.  perfect.

i brought in the bins.  surprising how heavy the cactus is.  i heated the potatoes added cheese and egg for dinner with chips.  good.  i suppose i could slice the onions and freeze them.  

sunny $tore

dreamed clark gable and claudette colbert giving me dating advice.

how wonderful to go at my speed.  25 cent scissors, kettle chips, 2 pair men's black ankle socks.  i've been to sprouts too.  found some clearance jumbo sugared cranberries for my salads.  12 oz $1.99.  =$2.67/lb.  oh. well.

i can't believe i ate all of panda last night.  so good.  i added more sesame to all of it. of course the portions and boxes are smaller while the price went up.  

i can have whatever i want.

and it's back.  i went to sit in the car for back support.  and it disconnected again.  oh, well.

the patio in front is quite breezy and cool.  amazing.  

people are amazing too.  a dozen people haven't been since quarantine and can't grasp the idea of new hours.  

checked out whole foods=amazing.

progress s' vale library and i cut some cactus 7 am

i took supplements and refilled for week.  ate tuna mac cheese for b'fast.  fixed mom's black shorts i made.  watched beginning 'around the world in 80 days.'  

i planned on b'king for lunch.  picked up 2 jr whoppers 2 small fries arrived sunny vale library 9:46 i was hungry ate fries.  so good.  better when hot.  i remembered i have target gift card $12.10 for sunflower seeds i want to add to everything.  ooh, i can add to yams.  so good.  store a block away.  trying to find out how far away from library i found whole foods and the trader joe.    

i'm trying to drink my 7 bottles of water.  major cause of pain dehydration.  

you tube has full episodes of 'no, honestly'.  suddenly 4th episode sound and captions cut out.  the end of that.  after a few minutes it came back.  i listened to 'healing'.

i drove around looking for whole foods bought my seeds at target.  so busy.  i distrust the underground parking at whole foods and so expensive.  

home 6 pm cooler than i expected 79 o.  sunny vale 5 degrees cooler.

hot hot hot 74-90 o

i always think i'm going to remember what i want to look up and usually forget.  oh, well.

must be a fire somewhere.  i'm sneezing.  went to dollar for chips and all they had was corn.  11 oz for a dollar r/t 5 oz.  better value probably healthier too.  

when i first went to 24 just getting there was a physical mountain to climb.  now it's psychological.  i guess that's some progress.  silver sneakers called to encourage me back to 24.  they want to get paid.

lunch was pretty good creole 'cat' tilapia fish, black beans, slaw, frozen blueberries in cool whip, carrot raisin salad.  

i'm still considering tomorrow.  and shopping today.  

3 pm 'love boat' rerun i don't care for so i'm up in seniors computer room feet up relaxing.  i'm so sleepy i napped a bit playing word find, lotto, quiz.  fun.  without guilt.  new me.  listening to 'healing'.  so relaxing.  i could give classes on living happier.  i'm proof it can be done.  

i made mac cheese added chunk light tuna.  mixed slaw with carrots sans raisins.  ate corn chips dark chocolate.

better morning-8/1 'panerapicnic' $5/$20

the weather is perfect for me.  i walked around organized my movie loans.  i'm enjoying!  

it's hotting up.

i waited in the parking lot 'til i was sure the table of 4 would be full.  i sat with john and listened to my 'healing', played games while i ate.  waited 'til 1 to use upstairs computer for games,  charged laptop 'til 2 and took my time packing up to watch 'love boat' at 3. i decided to cook the last potatoes and suddenly remembered fresh cobs of corn and nuked one.  i added sliced almonds and sesame to lunch cole slaw.  good day.    

 

starting out good

so far today has been smooth.  i ate potato onion omelet i cooked yesterday.  seniors ate with inge art was late watching tv.  no gerde.  inge so jealous.  i suggested home aide but she clearly doesn't want anyone else around maurice.  he's in pacific gardens $7/month.  just a block from me.  lunch is broccoli omelet.  tee hee.  

watched concentration.

i'm wearing stretchy denim strap top i found in bed clothes yesterday.  i'm using bra inserts.  

i washed car windows.  a process.  i used bottled water and windex from garage.  so nice to have clean windows on the world.

oh, i do love having all this time to do and enjoy the doing.

i ate lunch w/art senior center then sat in parking 'til 1 to use computer.  did my games and sweeps.  so much faster.  

the exercises for pain free are all in the back of the book.  i did them all.  i'm re balancing my muscles.

daily word in mail hurrah!  

lovely do only what i want day

took bed clothes into 2nd bedroom.  i've wanted to do that 2 years.  my back is alive.  i can feel again and control my muscles.  it's lovely not having to do anything go anywhere unless i want.  i just listen to my spirit.  

this program is auto update today.

i made a huge tuna green salad with sesame sliced almonds amino glazed walnuts for sweet.  i amazed myself ate the entire dish.  cooked beet, yam, potatoes.  very satisfying.  only better with companion.  lots of movies on.  

my distraction helps me pace myself.  

freedom-barnes & noble

the end of a quest.  i'm still shaking.  

kiely park i loaded b&n coupon and order page to show store.  stopped at wall mart for nicotine gum and got dissed twice.  first the white woman who interrupted then the hijab wearing clerk who left me high and dry to help the white one.  then i wait in line and tell the next clerk she needs to finish the sale she started.  i could have just walked out with $136 of lock up product.

i've never been so dissed by someone NOT my family.  

on to barns & noble to order 'sound healing' david said if order not filled i'd get an email.  delivery to store for pick up.  he listened very patiently to my whining about trying to use internet..

detoured to saratoga lucky's cheesy corn curls, tulsi tea bags, cherries $1.98.  then back-front main for sound healing.  i didn't have ear buds in barns.  tomorrow maybe.  

bought my king burgers.  ate fries and omelet.  watched godzilla marathon.  washed ate cherries dessert.

took out recycle and garbage bins.  leisurely day.  

unlimited

i didn't decide to go to sunny vale library i just dressed and drove.  i parked in the space i noticed last week under a redwood that gets shade all day.  might drop resin i don't know.  i got excellent internet reception.  

i sat on the patio at umbrella tables until opened.  sat in spot against brick with electric outlet.  close to water and rest.  12:30 i ate blueberries and senior sandwich.  back inside i walked around checking out movies and found brand new unopened 4th series of 'good neighbors' for a dollar.  i borrowed 'men in black' series for holiday.  i feel rich.

i may go to bookstore tomorrow to order cd to use 20 % coupon.  sound healing in catalog.  

i realized i could use $5 off $35 at nob hill on hemp oil.  i sleep better and it's full of omega oils.  and i bought 3 dark chocolate $1.99 ea.  even cheaper than safe way half price.

home at 3:30 i put things away, cooked potatoes opened can of sirloin soup.  half bagel and chocolate strawberry cheerios for dessert.  so many good movies on today.  heaven.

seniors

i stayed in bed pretty much 'til 9.  i was feeling blah.  now i think about it my body did a lot yesterday.  i never thank my body for anything.  big revelation.  no one in my family ever thanked me.  ever reciprocated.

i'll have to sit with this awhile.

i was home by noon.  i went in, ate lunch with art and newbie joanne moved in with son and daughter in law just before covid.  toke picked up lunch and left.  helen no longer wants lunch.  inge showed up 11:30.  

home by noon.  i can't believe how tired i feel.  i slept watching 'now, voyager'.  channel 2.3 has bette davis marathon and 7.3 comedies.  tygj.  i feel consoled.  

i don't know what i'm thinking.

i sat here trying to update and publish clicking on the cloud.  i click update button.  

seniors indoor lunch very slow start.  company was good.  i sat with art and toke.  inge showed up recovering from fall on escalator saving maurice.  he grabbed her, saved himself.  then second vaccine he passed out in his back yard all night.  he's now in $2 k care.  inge and her daughter saved him.  gerde thought tomorrow started indoor lunch.  next week no appointments needed for computer.  

i went to main to pick up holds.  chase withdrew, i wanted blueberries 3, star deposit.  cup pick up and used computer daily word 'world peace'.  bought dinner b king.  ate and fell asleep half hour.  

washed 2 blueberries 12 ounces ate them.  i've never eaten so much fruit as this year.