new year's eve

# 8 car good contact.  immediate connection.

i was mildly irritated having few gum 'til tomorrow.  i can go to walmart saturday and try card.  even with 50 more in pack 170-220 unless i put some somewhere.

1;30 pm if not for covid i wouldn't be listening to kelly howell on you tube.  lovely.  i am truly blessed.

i frequently hit the wrong key.  i have a time frame of being home for love boat at 3.  not today new year's twilight zone marathon.  how that's new year's i don't know.  oh well musicals dancing to new year on movie channel.

tv guide didn't work and i don't care.  growth.

wof-broiled fish   bbwk-1984

half hour

trying to get this to work.  location.  arr 10;30 car #4 too close.  no reception.  around corner better.  1 mi.

picked up lunch ate it doing my sweepstakes entries.  drove to carlos' shop in the middle of engine rebuild i postponed to next year.  he said tomorrow 10 am but no i may want to do laundry.  too soon.  i need time to adjust my thinking.

limited computer reception is limiting computer time.  huh.

i can still blog but no research or obssessing.  autists don't like limits.  

just occured to me i can put bbwk and wof answers here.  wow!  

now how did that happen

maybe i need to eat.  bbq sandwich cold but pretty good.  diced chicken and sauce on wheat bun tomato lettuce.  took out raw onion to cook later.  left in trunk cooler.  called carlos oil air filter change tomorrow noon.  ugh, stress.  

dropped off cantaloupe at toki's.  lovely sunny warm brushed 3 mats. still damp from rain left to dry.  easy with god.  i didn't think just did.  sprayed moldy copper tray with peroxide.  refilled bottles.  

very very cold tonight 6 pm.  watching old musicals movie tv channel.  sliced ham, cooked sliced onions 7 min, added diced ham 2 min, stir in 3 beaten eggs 2 min stir, 1min stir, top frozen peas 2 min. ate with last 2 corn swirls.  so delicious.

removed irritating neck label from hilo hattie shirt.  restitched collar.  attached to pocket re align content label.   

queen victoria

the seniors drive thru' attendant.  like she's challenging us to hit her.  

the crows baptised  m'car i don't need to feed them.  i think two murders showed up to claim the park.  still no reason to poop m'car.  well gone tomorrow.  

woo hoo! the rest of my life the best of my life

i'm waiting for sweepstakes, 'secret' to load.  happy.  took computer 20 minutes.   

today's daily word faith.  unnecessary.  just suspend your adamant convictions.  stay blank without judgment.  allow the energy to flow unhindered unencumbered and miracles follow.

2 and half hours computing.  i'm back 1;40.  went college safe way used restroom and bought corn swirls.  too sweet and tough.  tomorrow last day sale.  clearance 2 poppy seed 4.98, 3 mini altoids 2.37 for the tins.  i need new house key hider unless i lock door with key.  hmm...  might be the best.

home 2;30 parked street wondering nob hill $5 monday cheese.  brought in garbage bin.

feeling tired.  maybe county tomorrow or saturday banking.

gauche neighbor still playing her bin games.  5;30 still in my parking spot.  i went to nob thinking of cheese, it was last week.  i love cheese.  i got peas 1.48 still less than lucky.  6 pm bin put away.  

watching noel coward i realize i thought i loved margaret wheeler when it was penelope keith bbc 'to the manor born' character i admired.  a woman fallen on hard economic times making the best of it.  i accept marge doesn't deserve stonehenge souvenir.  marge was given a choice of the pendant or a baby and chose the baby.  i thought i'd return the medal but she dislikes me, so no.  i've never done anything to derserve her disdain other than exist.  she's so like alien.  she was my alien penelope keith substitute.  i wanted alien to be penelope keith but she's marge.  it's better for all not to feel irritated.  the world can be a better place.

play those magic fingers 6;45 am mom

feels good.  i woke visiting mom in heaven.  we discussed how alien lied and blamed me for everything following mom and dad's lead.  so mom knew because she started it with dad blaming me.  still stings.  lying creates dis-ease.

i sliced olive loaf used ultra uv to kill mold and toasted with cheese.

i made linguine for breakfast tossed in sesame oil with black seeds, shaved carrots celery cooked onions.  so good with chicken.  i could eat every day.  watched cesar 911 repeat i must have needed a refresher.  

groomed myself.  i'll be glad when i can wash my hair.  not today.  my nails and hair are growing so fast now.  faster than before 2001.  

went to $tore one ultra uv left.  clearance ajax, 2 bags snack size, batteries for uv if i gift it.

i'm listening to secret on you tube.  never occurred to me before.  wow.  went to $tore for snack bags.  i started keeping spool thread and matching bobbin together.  never occurred to me before.

i'm listening to secret on you tube at main while blogging never occurred to me before.

maybe i can have it all.

when i was managing fremont and san leandro stores at least 12 hour days 7 days a week.  i was trying not to think of my failed marriage.  i became exhausted.  

taking care of the family was the same.  i worked karaoke and marketing to pay my bills, took care of the house, took my folks to their doctors, tried to have a social life, and took the parents to movies.   

back at seniors for the reception. gutenberg.org

hawaii man stopped to ask lunch today.  saturday no lunch.  he's confused.  he saw kemo in mtn view last week fresh from hospital.  

i scared myself.  my big fingers swiped and yesterday disappeared.  i got it back by refreshing the page.

i went to cabrillo park to see if there were bars to hang from but no.  so i'm back at seniors.  

i'm getting the hang of this.

learned a new idea; dopamine fasting.  denying easy pleasure.  loretta breuning

i finally remembered to look her up at library.  the happy brain.  i'm excited.

for most people it's the presents

i'm enjoying the presence.  finished beef barley and veg rice for breakfast.  at seniors doing computing for over 2 hours.  walked stretched at park.  rained a little, big warm drops.  i'm having the best christmas.  no one yelling.  no mind games no tension.  peace and prosperity.  i can get myself what i want and i am truly greatful.  ate apple snack.

went to college safe way closed.

went to home safe way to use restroom all 3 closed.  walked store looking for chocolate cake and whip cream.  didn't look too good.  no clearance.  oh, well too busy.  so didn't compute in main parking lot.  came home and didn't need to go.  huh.  remodeled 2 tank tops.  moved straps.  ate noodles rice chicken delicious.  decided 3 pm i wanted more.  went to maria safe way for noodles and chicken none the chocolate parfait looked good.  dessert first.  finely sliced onions diced potato w/cheese.

mary and max

supposedly about autism.  we'll see.

main i'm having a time driving around the parking lot finding internet connection.  home i get medium signal but out of range connection whatever that means.  i did my sweepstakes, emails, scratchpath.  

i've never had so much feeling in my back before.  not pain as much as stiffness.  

arrived seniors 10;55 car #14 and 49o.  tiny chicken mole, dry spanish rice, dry beans, burned sour tomatoes.  2 oz bag of milk chocolate pecans.  i'd rather have decent size chicken.  

walked park stretched did my push ups.  decided on panda express closed tomorrow.  drove to maria safeway.  checked clearance, used restroom, 2 entrees one side $6.  i got noodles and double chicken.  vegs looked sad.  just as good as panda.  

time flies

finally.  i have a hard time connecting with this plane of existence.   and staying connected.  autism.  we live across multiple energy levels.

i remembered on my own wheel of fortune solution.  i'm getting back up to speed.  spent yesterday feeling immobile missing george.  didn't have time energy or focus in 2003 when he died.  bless brian for notifying me and volunteering to drive me to los angeles.  i wonder if he was sick then.  throat cancer.  according to his memorial bio he never had a bad word to say about anyone but ....   

at main parking the groundskeeper just drove by on his lawnmower with a disapproving shake of his head.  i seem to have that judgment effect on people.  george geraci was a school groundskeeper.  except for the weather must have been a great job.  

i've been watching noel coward.  1981 his produced plays focused on homosexuality.  i wonder when he wrote them. 

picked up lunch and checked safe way flash sale progress soups $.98 limit 8 i rushed to college and 3 bags stevia clearance half $4.  score!

holly dolly christmas channel 5- 8 pm.  

12/22 tues.

for some unknown reason i put 12/23 on the calendar to pay disc so i'm late.  very weird maybe my back distracting me.  i've forgotten before but never wrote it on the wrong day.  what was i thinking.

some websites work fine and some don't.

inspiration.  i'll walk after picking up lunch and parking.  i can compute more later after pickup.  i can come later and stay longer.  i started going through the clothes from last winter i set on the bed.  with the shut down i haven't used any of it.  time to release.

today is george's death-aversary.  my mind didn't remember but my body reminded me.  brian drove me to los angeles for his memorial service.  brian didn't want to go alone, called me, offered to drive me for the day.  it was a great tribute.  

sitting p o parking lot

 now i'm south street seniors.  p o too slow.  i guess i'll queue now.  

did my walk and stretch 6 minutes to spare.  i have misgivings about the back doctor today.  i'll swing past lucky's and check card balance.  two clearance salads.  good internet.

went well.   dr. masseh is a good listener.  i stopped at winchester dollar tree but long line so i went to safeway small olive loaf delicious with toasted cheese.  added dollar protein to salads so good.

easy-peasy

#4 car today st just gift card.  so the secret is to wait second/last day.  

watching ceasar 911 at 10 am corrections given after brain intercept.  the train of thinking must be derailed to implement a new command or request.  ex tried and i let him off because i felt sorry for him when he complained of feeling weird.  oh, well now i know better.

i have automatic update at library hotspot.  for as long as i can tolerate sitting here.  sort of boring.  i entered tire sweepstakes.  doing my games, checking mail.  dropped cards at kiely p o.  hot in car.  59o outside.  beautiful day.  

st just-no home internet-library

humongous line.  so i wanted to use library connection.  here i am listening to God.  wow, whar a mess.  blocking the intersection.  had to move from front lot to keep reception.

last night i wrote cards and stamped them today.  i've been watching and listening to noel coward collection.  radio programs.  all part of my education edification.

when i couldn't internet surfing on tv thur 17th i caught the end of china news.  re/mammal brains:

                                        dr. loretta g. breuning-mammal institute cal state east bay.  neg set point biological.

                                        dr. trudie chalder king's college.  chemicals, depression. 

2;30 st just food pick up still long line.  sun 11/22 no line at all.  i'm doing my best to be normal.  since i showered my hair will be totally dry when i get home.  

daily word-i cooperate with the healing presence within me.

i don't know

today's daily word enthusiastically alive.  i can't get reception at home and looking for a hot spot.  i did my pre programmed shopping.  glad i did it early.  got progresso soup and white yamswhile at safe way i loaded 'free' lucky's probiotic yokult cost 25 cent deposit.  i remembered chocolate quick and clearance lettuce..  only small size choc.  3 x rewards.  hurrah me!!

tv schedule is messed up too.  

i bought small quick at lucky i'll get big at safe way.  

sitting on street seniors for internet.

whew!! no internet after 4 pm

i don't know how i'd manage.  my weather, news, blog, connection to the world.  it's doing weird things.  this post not on regular list of posts but shows up on search.  and it's smaller.  oh well.  i'm glad it's back.

arr 10;14

#6 car picked up fatty chicken in cream sauce w/bell peppers.  finally got appointment with back pain doctor massih.  dr chung didn't bother putting phone or address or telling me anything about it.  i wanted exercises.  

i'm feeling very frustrated.  

seniors 10;32

#9.  walked and stretched.  i'm keeping life simple.  i tried calling for physio again.  spending hours, days finally talked to eddie after ruth and half dozen in between.  he explained they had no authorization on file i couldn't make an appointment.  i called dr chung too to fax copies.  i'll try again maybe tomorrow.

dinner i made ramen with 5 oz can chicken, green salad, grated carrot, celery.  2 provolone cheese on bagel toast.  provolone tastes like mozzarella.  i'm so good.

woke 4 am

the dilating eye drops are almost worn off.  i added peas to macaroni tuna salad, heated some and delicious breakfast.  stayed in bed dozing and watching 'taxi' 'til 9.  dressed, put out garbage, washed dishes.  squeegeed car windows.  supposed to rain again wed-thurs.  good time to hang out rugs.  

and this weekend is christmas st j pickup.

they took away experiment garbage bin.  i'm surprised it lasted this long.  life should get simpler.  separating garbage is not simpler.   

3 pm i suddenly have a new channel 5.4 fave tv= tv land.  'total recall'.  can't find listing for it.  and decades tv 'love boat' strange juxtaposition.  

cesar 911-growing older healthier happier

cesar observes patterns of behavior and stops the dangerous unwanted pattern, reprogramming wanted behaviors.  what works fine with puppies doesn't work with mature dogs.

body brain connection.  my back issues forced me out of my thoughts into taking care of my body.  living in the past is deadly.  not an intelligence issue an autonomic process.  reprogramming a closed loop system intercept and interrupt.  i was so used to living in a constant state of anxiety from my family i was disconnected from my body and injured myself.  then still being disconnected i kept re injuring other muscles.  

life is a series of behaviors.  what we did in the past got us here.  sometimes it doesn't work any longer.  new behavior is necessary.  dysfunction is doing what no longer works.  continuing outdated patterns of behavior.  i quit smoking for a year now.  free nicotine gum and library relaxation cds comedy dvds.  

breakfast toasted senior sandwich w/mustard.  1 pm lunch 2 poached eggs w/pine nuts cooked green onions on slice of bagel.

5 pm i decided to cook 1 1/2 c rotini 'pasta and more' t salt, water to first line 17 minutes.   i diced 1 stalk celery, large grated 1 carrot.  added large can tuna and water, half can drained black olives, heaping tablespoon dried onion t salt 4 pepper, c safflower mayo.   so good i wanted to keep eating.  i forgot peas.  tomorrow sweet.  something to look forward to.  raw peas onion gravy.  

lying in bed

i just had 2 helpings blueberry cobbler and last crunchy chicken.  i'm learning how to pamper myself.  i spent my life cooking, cleaning living for other people now it's my turn.  

next year i start a new phase.  i expected mom to kill me.  i never imagined living this long.

stayed in bed 10;30.  got up to see 'movie,movie'.  cut my nails.  since becoming healthier i have to every 2 weeks.  8 years bed ridden i cut my nails and hair maybe twice.  being sick nothing grows.

lunch was the last of the cobbler and burgers.  dinner i wanted chips and saw weekend food.  mac salad peas onions grated carrots celery tuna which i prefer.  i have to make some without onion.  so good.  choc fudge dessert.  tomorrow toasted sandwich breakfast.

wouldn't it be funny if dna testing proved trump an albino black.   all his racist skinhead friends would need to rethink his popularity.  

watching 1944 'return of the vampire' people fascinated with energy sucking killing beings.  werewolves and vampires are alcoholics.  compulsive behaviors.  

dr mark

everything stable.  prescribed specs.  dilated my eyes.  going back 3 pm for frames fitting.  he's aged 10 years in this past year.  he looks frail.

picked up lunch walked park stretched.  put extra weekend i cold.  ate lunch.  

discovered options on publishing yesterday and changed the time somehow.  i don't know.  i figured out how to change it back.  

12;30 went lucky's freebie oatmeal and big lots bras and slippers.  on the way to library tom called he got my christmas card wished me happy birthday.  i told him auntie sent me $100 for birthday and christmas.  reminded me uncle and eric died 4/'17 and 6/'17.  he told me noe died thanksgiving.  oh, well.  his diabetes got him.  players.  i looked online obituary he tested positive covid-19 nov 18 dead 9 days later.

picked up cup library returned darling buds, hope gap, one foot, merry sitcom.  talked to tom more.  decided to go to safe way and ended up at sprouts line out the door went back to saratoga sunnyvale to safe way.  bought orange chicken $5 friday forgot free water.  2 dark roca, lemoncello.  hurrah!! used my perks.  i forgot to use gift cards.  i was getting tired.  forgot my shopping bag candy aisle.  still there.  on the way out i found 2 cardboard box bottoms for spice storage.  i put the spice tubes in sorted stacking trays.

drove back way to eye doctor new reading glasses $215 i'm worth it.  thuy=tee helped me decide.  each eye slightly different.  deeper relaxation.

my own copy of cd

i'm looking online.  9 am leisurely showered then opened window.  

i left 10;00 intending to go to rite aid looking for dvd player and remembered to fill gas.  i want to avoid holiday gas price.  costco changed program.  now you leave card in.  as i was leaving i noticed asian man in front still trying to insert card.  i told him they changed it and want you to leave the card in to process.  it worked he gave me thumbs up i was distracted and i left with fuel door open.  i noticed on overpass pulled over on monroe and checked cap.  whew!! 

my practice for eye doctor tomorrow.  picked up lunch 10;30 # 10 they require mask for pick up.  walked park stretched.  thought about main and county.  main is closed and county open today is 3-7 glad i came straight home.  i have 'til 19th.  i changed clasp on necklace to match olivine mother of pearl anklet.

decided to cook 4 burgers, blueberry cobbler.  o m g so good.  ate 2 burgers 2 servings cobbler.  happy tummy.  i mixed 2 eggs, cup of coffee creamer.  blended in 2 cups pancake mix.  added pint of washed well drained blueberries.  microwave 3-2-2-2.  so good.  full of blueberries.  i'll have it breakfast.  or maybe asparagus and crispy chicken.  

success

courage.  i called 18 times before talking to soc sec agent pamela in cambell 9;09 am.  she advised me to pay medicare and over payments are reimbursed.  whew!  i felt so relieved i thanked her profusely.  

i felt so good i ventured to campbell big lots to return bras and walk store.  i checked out good will.

seniors 10;36 #9.  walked park and stretched.  inspired i went to chili's to redeem freebies.  paid 99 cents more for 5.75 kid's crispy chicken meal.  i added 2 side grilled asparagus crispy chicken $12.99.  got my birthday hot fudge cake w/vanilla ice cream.  took me an hour online to figure it out.  way easier than panera.  pain online.  i'm so proud of myself.

autism resources

 the libraries are full of books and movies.  well, an exaggeration.  a lot.  

i felt the spirit and returned sunday's bras that didn't fit.  the exact same style size that i bought 11/29 but 12/6 didn't fit.  well i have 4 good ones.  i spent a couple hours trying to figure out the good ones from the bad.  confusing the style numbers are different from the receipt.  don't know where those numbers came from.  i can see why surplus or over runs.  from china the sizing is inconsistent.  the fabrics are the same color but stretch differently.  

went to citibank paid bill.  on to seniors car # 6.  remembered daily word and to bring in car secret cd.  chicken pretty good.  dinner will be potato gravy beef onions and yam for dessert.  

i don't know.  got medicare bill.  medicare social security campbell closed at 4 i waited on phone hour and half 4-6;30 with main san jose soc security gave up.  i'll call tomorrow.  fear and loathing.  life is so complicated.  

feeling pretty good

off to a rocky start but stretched back top pelvis.  considered bins, my health more important.  went $tore 3 chips, 2 vitamin c drops, m wash.  picked up lunch 10;39 # 12 walked park stretched.   beautiful 65 o.  stopped at raley's beef, cheese provolone swiss, peas.  ate lentils rice, vegs.  ok.  rested then cooked beef onions in garage.  rested.  watched 'airplane'.  drank chocolate turmeric.  

folded clothes; 44 pair socks, 9 pants, 3 sweats.  made rice, ate rice and beef onions.  fell asleep no wheel or jeopardy for hour and half.  watched part of bob hearts abishola.   

blog is doing weird things.

another sleepless night.

from friday shower and laundry.  friday exhausted 8;30 bed.  last night couldn't sleep watched 'darling buds of may' fell asleep 3-7.  woke back pelvis screaming lots of stretching popping cracking.  neck and shoulders tight.

for breakfast i added oatmeal to last night progresso beef barley onion carrot gravy stew.  watched episode german prejudice like my own jap experience being blamed for pearl harbor 'tho i wasn't even born.  trump world people use any excuse to try to control others the crazier the more effective. 

watching cesar 911 bike biting dog triggered memory of 8-9 year old me hit from behind by bike knocked to the ground and then another day woman driving car turning corner as i crossed monroe at lawrence knocked me over my books into the street.  they never stopped.  back injuries not all family beatings.

last week no tv reception and i was ok with it.  i don't have to watch it, i choose to watch.

constant debate with myself what to do.  i decided i'll do what is best health.  i went denny's no freebie so i checked out big lots 2 more bras.  one set ok.  went to citi no atm.  panda express to go orange chicken walnut shrimp chow mein.  $tore sunny no newspaper no chips 50 cent xmas cards, 4 pineapple sun glass case, 2 calendars.  hurrah!!

home i ate express lunch and dinner napped an hour.  so good.

'darling buds of may'

1991 i was in the middle of adjusting to mom and dad.  20 years i'd been away and they were exactly the same.  unchanged.  takes a lot of effort to stay the same.

the larkins were one of my adopted families.  i'm always me.  i can't imagine myself as any of the characters and i prefer to be myself.  i don't understand how actors choose to be other than themselves.  it used to be harder to maintain one's being.  projected energy can kill.  chadwick boseman.

i woke dream in heaven my backyard.  my cat was playing in moist leaves with hermit crab.  i'm the hermit crab moving from home to home when i outgrow them.  that's what i do.

ruth h ackerman

revisiting ghosts of the past.  thinking of unity, science of mind, gilroy, gavilan hills church, jean v millerd low 5/14/36-9/16/13, ruth ackerman 12/13/41, janet, joel.  ruth pimped out janet like alien pimps out everyone.  gavilan hills church of which i'm a founding member 1985-6.  i did course in miracles in one year.  miracle.  everyone else dropped out.  

what a good girl am i.  i showered 8;30, dressed, loaded clothes debating wash today or tomorrow.  to the scott laundry 10, done 10;30, walked stretched, picked up lunch, was going to mission drop off dvds spirit detoured me to main, picked up gingerbread picture to color and comic con goody bag, dropped off movies, home emptied car, hung clothes an hour.  special fun.  ate ok lunch.  rest.  ate ma salad dinner.  teaspoon raw onions ugh.  picked out what i could.      allergy makes me sleepy.  

i'm a different me.

4 bras-prop tax

feeling restless at 8;30 and not enamored with news or 'murder she wrote' i dressed and went to campbell.  i walked store looking for small calendar, leg warmer and bras and realized i wanted big lots.  clearance 50 cent tall garbage bags.  drove there walked store $3 for 2 year purse calendar.  no bras at all.  i asked and was told none.  i went to car and remembered leg warmers .   went back minus jacket warming up.  looked for socks and found $11 for 2 bras.  bought 4.  so now i know what campbell has.

left home 9;07 arrived seniors 10;07 # 5.  walked stretched even after store walks.  home caught all green lights.  ate ok lunch and tried bras didn't fit comfortably.  oh, well.  considered returning them but i have 'til 1/15/2021.  

watched 'hope gap.'  interesting about seniors, divorce, moving on.  

feeling ok

i have some energy today.  how to use it.  i received my first card from della.  mailed 11/30.  next day delivery.  pretty good.  i finally figured out the indentation is paragraph setting to normal.  another mystery solved.  i don't have to backspace each post now.

they are very late today.  got here 10;21 #7 walked, stretched, ruminated.   had a good talk with myself.  i always forget to start my day asking for what i want.  now i have no sense of impending doom asking.  'the nail standing up is hammered down.'

biggest fear

self fulfilling prophecies.  i want to be happy, healthy, wealthy, wise.  being crippled would be a bummer.  well i woke from a restless night finally knowing why i can't sleep.  my fear keeps me moving.  fight or flight.  running to or running away.  fighting for my health.

second biggest fear; well, it's that time 44 degrees when i left at 10 and the check engine light came on.   the last two cars i've owned don't like the cold.  i called carlos, he was test driving a car.  i walked and stretched.  i called back got voice mail.  realized i needed to write out life insurance.  mailed p o.  i need check register.  figured since i was close i'd swing by car shop.  carlos fixed air sensor reset computer $20.  

drove to withdraw chase then deposit star one 10 minute line.  on to library ate lunch.  picked up 11 dvds.  dollar store 2 pks socks, 2 cough drops, 3 stretcher bars hurrah.  home 2;30.  watched love boat.

i have to get auntie's pictures for her birthday and pay prop taxes this week.  

i toasted corn bread, sliced one onion, cooked it, added diced real carrot, diced potato, can of progress beef stew.  diced radish in bottom of bowl.  so good.