LUCID DREAM

I SEEM TO BE IN SUNNYVALE AT THE PARK STANDING IN ENDLESS LINE FOR A VENDOR BURRITO.  I LEAVE WITH A CLEAR PLASTIC PLATE/CUP OF TEA ON MATHILDA AVE LOOKING FOR MY CAR.  WAS IT MY DREAM?  I ALSO DREAMED THE DIY CUBBY RACK AILEEN LEFT WAS GONE WITH MY CLOTHES.  I'VE LET THE EVIL STEPS GO.

MY SHOULDERS ARE SORE BUT THE REST OF ME FEELS RECHARGED.  I'M NOT FEELING TIRED.  MY DO NOTHING DAY I WATCHED AQUAMAN AND GRINCH, READ FRESH OFF THE BOAT. 

TODAY'S THE LAST DAY $5 COUPON AT MARKET.  ONWARD AND UPWARD.

I'M STATIONARY BIKING

I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE SWIMMING.  I'M BIKING AND BLOGGING.  I DIDN'T BRING ANY READING MATERIAL.  SOMETHING NEW FROM NECESSITY.  I LIKE IT BETTER THAN "AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT."  ON THIS I CAN READ WODEHOUSE, DEAL WITH EMAILS, LISTEN TO LOUISE.  SO MANY WONDER FILLED OPTIONS.

I AWOKE WANTING TODAY TO BE SATURDAY BUT I'M OK NOW.  THE DIFFERENCE IS DOING SOMETHING DIFFERENT I NEVER THOUGHT OF BEFORE.  I CAN PLAY POP POP RUSH, KENO, THE SKY'S THE LIMIT.

MY FEET HURT IN A NEW WAY

YESTERDAY I BIKED HALF HOUR AND STRETCHED HALF HOUR AFTER PADDLING AROUND FOR AN HOUR.  NEW NERVES ARE SCREAMING AT ME. 

OVERALL I FEEL BETTER. 

I REALIZED I LOST TRACK OF A BOOK AGAIN.  I WAS TOO TIRED AND STILL COULDN'T TELL.  I FOUND IT AFTER LOOKING IN THE CAR, BOOK, COMPUTER, LUNCH BAGS.  I CLEARED THE BIN BY MY CHAIR AND THERE IT WAS. 

I FOUND 3 MAGNIFYING PAGES AT ST J FOR$ 1 AND THE PURSE SIZE IS PERFECT AS A BOOK MARK.  I LOVE WHEN LIFE IS PERFECT. 

JIM CROW

HECKLE & JECKLE WAS A FORM OF RACISM LIKE DISNEY'S SONG OF THE SOUTH.

NOW I UNDERSTAND MY PARENTS BETTER.  THE SUBTLE AND OVERT RACISM I HAVE EXPERIENCED MUST HAVE BEEN AT LEAST 10 X WORSE FOR THEM.  WHY DID THEY REALLY COME TO THE MAINLAND?

I NEED A VACATION

I AWOKE TIRED OF THE ROUTINE.

WAIT A MINUTE WHY DO I NEED A VACATION?  WHAT DO I NEED TO CHANGE?  WHAT IS MISSING FROM MY LIFE?

READING THE GREEN BOOK INFO ONLINE STARTED ME WONDERING ABOUT THE FAMILY TRIPS I HATED SO MUCH.  WOW, I DIDN'T REALIZE HOW MUCH I HATED THEM.  BEING ASIAN WAS THE SAME DISCRIMINATION.  FEAR.

THE TRIPS TO HAWAII EVERY 4 YEARS WERE LIKE IMMIGRATING WITH THE PACKED FOOD, BOXES OF STUFF GOING AND COMING.  THE FISHING TRIPS, CAR TRIPS.  NOT FOR THE KIDS.  BEING PACKED LIKE HOT, SWEATY SARDINES.  RIDING FOR HOURS, NO STOPPING.  WERE MOM AND DAD RECHARGING THEIR BATTERIES?  OR JUST PLAYING EGO GAMES.

4 PM-MY NEED FOR DRIVING MYSELF IS A HOLDOVER FROM THEIR EXAMPLE OF RUNNING AWAY.  I CHOOSE TO RUN TOWARD.

I DUTIFULLY DID MY SUNDAY ROUTINE.  I WENT AND PLAYED IN THE THRIFT STORE.  I HAD $5 TO SPEND AND GOT 4 DVDS.  SIMPSON MOVIE, SPIDER PIG.  JOHN GAVE ME TWO NEW DREAM CATCHERS.  I TOOK HIM THE NEWSPAPER TO WRAP GLASSWARE. 

LUNCH WAS DELICIOUS COSTCO POTATO SALAD, OK PRESSED HAM, ROLLS, CESAR SALAD.  I ATE TAKE HOME FOR DINNER.  I CONSIDERED PASSING ON BINGO BUT I WON ONE.  I CONSIDERED GIVING DINNER AND $2 TO JOHN BUT DECIDED NO. 

ZOO

ANOTHER GOOD MOVIE BASED ON A TRUE STORY IN BELFAST IRELAND DURING WWII 1941.  THERE ARE SO MANY STORIES OF THE KINDNESS AND COMPASSION OF HUMANITY BUT PEOPLE WANT THE HORRIBLE VIOLENCE.  I NEVER EVEN HEARD OF THIS ONE.

POTENTIALLY DANGEROUS ANIMALS WERE DESTROYED BECAUSE OF THE GERMAN BOMBING POSSIBLY ALLOWING THEIR ESCAPE.  LIKE ZOO KEEPER'S WIFE IT'S SAD ANIMALS HAVE TO SUFFER FOR HUMAN HUBRIS.

I'M RESTING TODAY.  FIXING THE CAR SHADE, PATCHING SKIRTS, DARNING SOCKS, SORTING SEWING ACCESSORIES.  I TESTED THE $1 OXO CAN OPENER.  EVEN BETTER, EASIER THAN ANY I'VE USED SO FAR.  FASTER THAN ELECTRIC.

GREEN BOOK-ANOTHER MOVIE BASED ON A TRUE STORY.  DON SHIRLEY PHD, TONY VILLELONGA, DRIVING THROUGH THE SOUTH IN 1962 USING THE NEGRO MOTORIST GREEN BOOK.

FRED@PUZZLE TABLE

DREAM OF PIGGY: ALL CHAIRS, PIECES, PICTURE.   I LEAVE ALL SLIMMED DOWN WEARING JEANS, BOOTS, LEATHER JACKET.  TIME TO MOVE ON.

LAST NIGHT I COULD HAVE DONE MY TAXES AT LIBRARY IF I'D CHECKED NO COMEDY DUE TO BASKETBALL FINALS EXCEPT I'M TIRED.  AND THAT'S WHEN I MAKE MISTAKES SO NO.  LAST YEAR I DID THEM 3/31.  I HAVE EVERYTHING READY.  MAYBE I'LL CHECK SENIORS APPOINTMENTS.

I GAVE JOHN THE 50 YEAR OLD ECKO MANUAL CAN OPENER FOR HIS SISTER.  HE ACTED LIKE PEOPLE DON'T GIVE HIM THINGS HE WANTS.  HE WAS SHOCKED AND SURPRISED.  WHICH SHOCKED AND SURPRISED ME.

HANNA SOMATICS

THE BEST PART OF THE BOOK IS THE ILLUSTRATIONS.  IT'S NOT SOME PERFECT BODY.  IT'S A WOODEN FORM SHOWING THE MOVES.  LIKE I FEEL.

THE ONLY WAY TO SUCCEED IS KEEP ON KEEPING ON.

TOMAS CALLED LAST NIGHT 5:23.  I RETURNED HIS CALL FROM CAMPBELL LIBRARY.  HE'S CLEARING OUT HIS STORAGE AND SAYS HE HAS MY STUFF TO RETURN.  I OFFER TO PICK IT UP ON MY WAY HOME BUT HE INSISTS ON BRINGING IT TO ME THEN HE SAYS MAYBE NOT TODAY HE'LL CALL WHICH HE DOESN'T.  SO CONFUSING.

I'M DOING BETTER

I AWOKE AT 4:45 AND FELT OK.  LISTENING TO THE CDS HAS BEEN REALLY HELPFUL.  I FEEL CALMER AND MORE CONFIDENT.

I PUZZLED AND WASHED MY HAIR.  I RETURNED 4 DVDS AND PICKED UP 3.  I WENT THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR AND FOUND 17 MONOPOLY TICKETS.  I WENT UPSTAIRS AND PLAYED GAMES AND ENTERED CODES.

ON CHECKING MY LUCKY'S E MAIL I HAD OFFERS FOR EXTRA REWARD POINTS.  I WENT AND EARNED 1000.  I NOTICED HEMATITE BEADS ON THE FLOOR.  MY 10 YEAR OLD NECKLACE BROKE.  AN OPPORTUNITY TO RESTRING THE WAY I WANT.

DONE.

I'M LOOKING AT MY HOME DIFFERENTLY.  I LIKE MY NATURAL WEEDY, CLUBHOUSE.

MY JOB

TO BE HAPPY.

I'LL RAISE THE LEVEL OF POSITIVE ENERGY OF THE WORLD.

FOR SOME REASON THE UNDERLINING KEEPS ENGAGING.  I'M LISTENING TO LOUISE HAY LIVING THE LIFE I WANT ON YOU TUBE.  A BETTER, FINER LIFE IS FREE.

CHOOSE BETTER OR BITTER.

I NO LONGER CARE ABOUT SLEEPING.  I SLEEP WHEN I'M TIRED.  I WATCH DVDS WHEN I WAKE.  I HAVE MY ROUTINE.  I HAVE UNLIMITED BOOKS.  I PLAY ONLINE GAMES.  I BLOG.  TYGJ.

NATURAL CHILD

I DON'T KNOW HOW EDDIE HUANG MANAGED TO BE SO NATURAL THROUGH THE ABUSE AND INSANITY.  I'M SO ENJOYING HIS BOOK.

MAYBE HE JUST DIDN'T KNOW BETTER OR THE FACT THAT HE HAD COUSINS AND BROTHERS GOING THROUGH IT WITH HIM. 

WORK=SURVIVAL

MY WHOLE LIFE WAS ONE OF TRYING TO SURVIVE.  THEY WANTED ME DEAD.  MORE DRAMATIC.  WORSE THAN GERMAN DEATH CAMP.  I WAS ALONE.

READING FRESH OFF THE BOAT MEMOIR I WAS SKINNY FROM STRESS AND LACK OF FOOD.  FOOD WAS ANOTHER WEAPON.  I WAS FORCED TO EAT SHOE LEATHER LIVER.  MY SISTERS WERE ALWAYS FAT.  I WAS ALWAYS SKINNY. 

MY MOM WAS ALWAYS FAT.  SHE HID FOOD.  IT TAKES A LOT OF CALORIES TO STAY FAT. 

I'M SO RELAXED

I'VE NEVER FELT SO RELAXED.  DOING BATES' IS BLACK VELVET.

IT EXPLAINS A LOT OF FORGETTING BILLS.  LAST WEEK I ALMOST FORGOT TO RETURN DVDS.

I FINALLY RELEASED THE FAMILY STRESS.  ALL THE TRAUMA AND DRAMA.

AND I'M INTACT.

IN THE HOT TUB A MAN MENTIONED GETTING OUT BECAUSE HE WAS GETTING WRINKLIER REMINDED ME OF THE EIGHT GRADE JOKE.

NEW BRAIN

DOING WHAT I WANT WHEN I WANT IS DIZZYING.

BEING FREE, FLYING FREE IS INTOXICATING.

I WASHED MY HAIR, WAS GOING TO WATCH DUST FACTORY ONLINE BUT THERE'S A TWO HOUR TIME DIFFERENCE, IT WAS OVER.  SO I WENT TO THE BOOK MOBILE AND GOT 4 DVDS.  I WENT ONLINE AND CLEARED THE E MAILS AND PAID PCH FOR THE OLIVE SPOONS.  THEY CHARGED ME FOR THE "FREE" TOWEL SET.  $10 IN HANDLING IS TOO MUCH.  $21.72.  CRAZY.  I'LL NEVER BUY FROM THEM AGAIN.

PETS ARE WRONG

THEY KEEP US FROM CARING FOR PEOPLE.  THEY'RE A SUBSTITUTE. 

WE SHOULD BE CARING FOR PEOPLE. 

I WATCHED BIRDY-MATHEW MODINE, NICOLAS CAGE.  A MAN WHO INTROVERTS AFTER PTSD FROM VIETNAM AND BECOMES LIKE A WOUNDED BIRD.  THE ACTING IS GOOD.  THE PREMISE IS WEIRD. 

every day is a win-MONDAY,3/11

I'M TIRED AND HAPPY.

I WAS FEELING VERY FRUSTRATED THIS MORNING.  I HAVE DISCRETIONARY ENERGY TO FEEL.  THAT'S GREAT.  I'VE BEEN TOO TIRED AND DEPRESSED, SAD SO FRUSTRATION IS UP.

I COMPLETED ANOTHER DAY.  RM SHOWED UP.  SHE ASKED ME WHY I HADN'T BEEN TO VISIT.  I DIDN'T SAY I WASN'T INVITED LAST TIME SHE INVITED EVERYONE ELSE EVEN ELSIE.  I JUST SAID I DIDN'T KNOW WHEN SHE'D BE HOME.  EVERYONE TALKS ABOUT HOW SHE DOESN'T ANSWER HER PHONE OR CALL THEM BACK.

I KNEW SHE WASN'T SERIOUS ABOUT HAVING CAROLE ASSIST HER AND WAS USING CAROLE AS A PITY CHIP.  WHEN I DID GET CAROLE'S INFO RM MADE EXCUSES TO NOT HIRE HER.  I DON'T NEED HER INSINCERITY.

BASED ON REALITY

INSTANT FAMILY MADE ME CRY.  I THOUGHT I WAS ADOPTED WHEN I WAS 8 BECAUSE I WAS THE STEP CHILD.  I COOKED, CLEANED.  I WAS THE MAID, THE FAMILY DOG.  THESE KIDS GET TO BE KIDS.  IT'S HARD SEEING WHAT MY LIFE COULD HAVE BEEN.

CHRISTMAS FOR ME WAS NO TOYS BUT BOXES.  I STILL HAVE A DIFFICULT TIME ACCEPTING NEW THINGS.

I'M BETTER AT KNOWING WHAT I WANT.  WHY THEY, MY FAMILY, WENT OUT OF THEIR WAY TO ACTIVELY DENY ME SET UP A PATTERN OF ME DENYING MYSELF.   I LOOK AT PICTURES OF MYSELF AND I HAVE A SICK LOOK OF DISAPPEARING.  MY SISTERS FAVORITE HOBBY IS DISAPPOINTING ME.

WHEN THE ENERGY IS SET AT DENYING OTHERS HAPPINESS IS IMPOSSIBLE.  WANTING OTHERS TO BE HAPPY SETS THE AUTOPILOT TO HAPPINESS AND IT JUST IS.

NO WONDER I HAD A HARD TIME LIVING IN A FAMILY OF SUICIDE.  THEY DON'T WANT TO BE HAPPY.  THEY WANT EVERYONE TO BE MISERABLE LIKE THEMSELVES.

I WANTED FISH FILLETS I COOKED 6 AND I'M EATING THEM IN BED.  LUXURY.

ONE DAY AT A TIME

ONE MINUTE AT A TIME.  I'M FEELING DEPRESSED.  ROSE MARIE IS DAD/AILEEN ALWAYS COMPLAINING.  LISTENING TO HER IS SO STRESSFUL.  MY JAW IS FREAKING ME OUT BECAUSE OF THEM.

I MUST LEAVE THEM BEHIND.  GET BEHIND ME DEVIL-LIVED.  EVIL IS LIVE BACKWARDS.  DEVIL IS ONE WHO LIVED BACKWARDS.  LIFE IS AN UPWARD SPIRAL.  IN NATURE THERE ARE NO RIGHT ANGLES.  90 DEGREE ANGLES.  EVERYTHING IS A CURVE.  THAT'S WHY ARCHIMEDES IS SO SPECIAL.  HE DERIVED PI=3.14159---- BY REVERSE  CALCULATIONS OF AREA IN A CIRCLE.

I DREAMED I CAME HOME AND ALL THE WEEDS WERE CLEARED.  TYGJ.

WOW.  NEXT DOOR JIM ACTUALLY CLEARED THE WEEDS IN FRONT OF THE SIDEWALK.

I SPENT THE ENTIRE DAY DOING WHAT I WANT WHEN I WANTED.  I TOOK THE WALKMAN TO PLAY THE LOUISE HAY CD IF I NEEDED IT.  ROSE MARIE SHOWED UP AGAIN.  I THOUGHT SHE MIGHT.  I WAS OK.

I SHOPPED, LIKE I PARTIED ALL DAY.

GOOD DAY

I CAN BIKE, SWIM, OR BOTH.  I STRETCHED HALF HOUR IN HOT TUB, BIKED HALF HOUR.  I FEEL PLEASANTLY TIRED.  LUNCH WAS GOOD.  NO INGE AT DENTIST.  SHE'S A FUNNY GIRL.  SHE WAITED TO GIVE ME THE PAPER 'TIL AFTER MAURICE LEFT.  SO LUNCH WAS ME, GERDA, ROSE MARIE.  AND ART OF, COURSE.

AND TONIGHT IS BIG BANG. 

EXHAUSTED

I'M TIRED OF WAKING EVERYDAY IN PAIN.  I HAD ONE MORNING LAST YEAR I DIDN'T HAVE PAIN AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT WAS DIFFERENT.  WAS IT SOMETHING I ATE OR DID OR WHAT?

MY LIFE HAS BEEN MISERABLE FOR A LONG TIME, MAYBE FOREVER.  TODAY I DON'T KNOW.

I WATCHED YAYOI KUSAMA DOCUMENTARY.  SHE HAD IT MUCH WORSE. 

I GUESS IT'S TRUE THAT YOU ONLY FAIL IF YOU QUIT.

CAPITALISM

LOOKING FOR A DENTIST NOT TRYING TO GET RICH IS TOUGH.  CAPITALISM HAS BECOME SYNONYMOUS WITH GREED.  THE IMPLANT CRAZE HAS THEM TARNISHING THEIR SOULS WITH DREAMS OF BIG BUCKS.

WHEN TIMES GET TOUGH DOUBLE DOWN AND PUSH HARDER.

NEW TRUTH

THE DISCOMFORT I WAS FEELING WAS THE RACISM.  INGE AND GERDA ACCEPT PEOPLE AS THEY ARE.  I'M LEARNING. 

MY FAMILY WAS RACIST.  THAT I KNEW.  I LEARNED TO IGNORE IT.  THERE'S A LOT OF RACISTS AT THE SENIOR CENTER.  I IGNORED IT AUTOMATICALLY AND NEVER EVEN NOTICED.  I JUST KNEW I DIDN'T LIKE OR TRUST SOME PEOPLE.  AND JESSICA.  I CAN'T RESPECT DISRESPECT.

I BELIEVE IN CALLING A SPADE A SPADE.  THAT'S WHY ANGEL AND PERLA WERE DRIVEN OUT AND KIMO IS PAYING HIMSELF BACK.  KARMA IS SIMPLE PHYSICS:  ACTION / REACTION.

MY SCHOOLS ALWAYS HAD RACISTS I AVOIDED AND IGNORED.  TEACHERS AND STUDENTS. 

I LOVE ME

I LIKE BEING FAT.  I LIVED MOST OF MY LIFE A SKINNY PO PO.  I TOOK AFTER DAD'S FAMILY AND SUFFERED FOR IT.  FOR EVERYTHING HE WASN'T I WAS PUNISHED.  I WAS ABUSED BY MOM AND MY POOR SISTERS FOLLOWED HER EXAMPLE.

I'M STILL ADJUSTING TO HAPPINESS.  IT'S CHALLENGING.  I HAVE TO KEEP REASSURING MYSELF THE WORLD WON'T END IF I SCREW UP.  I MIGHT TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE OR WAIT A WEEK.

ooohhhh....

THIS IS MY DAY OF REST.

2/9/2019 MY FIRST OFFICIAL SABBATH.  I SPENT 10 YEARS TAKING CARE OF DAD AND 12 WITH MOM WITHOUT A BREAK.  SO OF COURSE MY BODY AND MIND BROKE.  THEN I SPENT 8 YEARS STUCK IN BED SUFFERING.  I RAN UNTIL I COLLAPSED.  AND NOW I'M CONSCIOUSLY AVOIDING DOING IT EVER AGAIN BY LEARNING. 

NO WONDER I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE LEARNING.  IT MAKES LIFE BETTER.

WHAT A DIFFERENCE TO HAVE A CHOICE.

PHYSICAL EMOTIONAL

EMOTIONS BECOME PHYSICAL IF NOT EXPRESSED.  AND I HAVE A BEHAVIOR PATTERN WHEN I HAD TO HIDE MY FEELINGS TO AVOID MORE ABUSE.

CHANGE TAKES MENTAL AND PHYSICAL DISCIPLINE.

SUCCESS THROUGH A POSITIVE MENTAL ATTITUDE BY NAPOLEON HILL AND 
W. CLEMENT STONE.