unlimited

I'VE DONE THE LIMITS.  WHAT DO I WANT NOW?

RA

IT'S POSSIBLE MY BACK SYMPTOMS ARE FROM MY RA. 

THE NEW ME IS HAVING TO REASSESS EVERYTHING.  MY DEPRESSION IS LEAVING.  I CAN SEE WIDE ANGLE AGAIN. 

I'VE KNOWN I HAVE RHEUMATOID ARTHRITIS SINCE I WAS 16.  DAD GOT MAD AT ME AND TRIED TO KILL MY FISH BY PUTTING THE AQUARIUM OUTSIDE IN THE FREEZING TEMPERATURES.  I SAVED THEM BY TRANSFERRING THEM INTO ROOM TEMPERATURE WATER.  PLUNGING MY HANDS INTO FREEZING WATER THEY TURNED BEET RED AND WERE SWOLLEN, ON FIRE AND USELESS.  I THOUGHT I BROKE THEM.  MOM SAID I HAD DAD'S MOM'S RA.  MOM THOUGHT BABAN T WAS MEAN FOR MAKING MOM DO THE WATER JOBS.  MOM IS SO SELFISH AND CHILDISH.

emfs

I'VE BEEN POISONING MYSELF WITH THE ELECTRO-MAGNETIC FIELD OF THIS LAPTOP.

THE FIRST I-PAD 6-11-2017, THE CHROME 11-20-2017.  I'VE HAD THE CHROME ALMOST CONTINUOUSLY.  AND MY SYMPTOMS ARE GETTING WORSE.  MY STOMACH THIS MORNING FROM ALLERGIES POST NASAL DRIP MUCUS. 

THE FREEZING COLD LIKE 1972, THE YEAR I FRACTURED MY BACK AND DIDN'T KNOW IT.  I JUST HAD SYMPTOMS I DIDN'T CONNECT TO THE FALL ON THE ICE.  I'D NEVER SERIOUSLY HURT MYSELF AND THE MOM TAUGHT ME TO IGNORE MY BODY THROUGH MY LIFE OF TORTURE AND ABUSE.  I WAS NEVER IN MY BODY.  NOT FROM AUTISM BUT FROM TORTURE. 

I WENT TO 4 DOCTORS DURING THE YEAR AND JUST LEARNED TO ALLEVIATE THE SYMPTOMS.  D-1, I WAS VOMITING WHEN I GOT COLD, PREGNANCY TESTED ME NEGATIVE AND SUGGESTED I MOVE BACK TO HAWAII.  D-2 MY ARM, FEET AND LEGS HURTING-SUPPORT HOSE.  D-3 MY HORRENDOUS MENSTRUAL CRAMPS DUE TO MENOPAUSE EXCEPT I WAS 21.  D-4 SUGGESTED EXPLORATORY SURGERY DURING THE DARK AGES OF 1972.  YEAH, RIGHT. 

SO I DEALT WITH THE SYMPTOMS WHICH I MANAGED.  I WENT ON TO GET A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN MANAGEMENT.

I'VE NEVER ACTUALLY LIVED BEFORE.  OW, MY STOMACH.  I HAVE GRAPEFRUIT R/T LEMON DROPS. 

AHHH...

I'M TRUSTING I'M GETTING BETTER.  I'M TAKING BETTER CARE OF MYSELF.  IT'S BEEN TOUGH CHANGING BEHAVIOR.  UNCOMFORTABLE AND NOT AN APPARENT DIFFERENCE IN MY DAY TO DAY LIFE.  INFINITESIMAL INCREMENTS OF IMPROVEMENT.  I'M FEELING DEPRESSED I CAN'T DO THE YARD YET.  I CAN'T RISK THE GAINS I'VE MADE.

THE PAIN IS STILL MOVING AROUND.  THIS MORNING I WENT TO 24 HR FITNESS B4 LUNCH.  THEN HOME.  I PAID EVERYTHING FOR THIS MONTH.  SHORT MONTH.  IT'S FREEZING COLD.  I CAN ADJUST MY LIFE FOR MY CONVENIENCE.  I'M BUNDLED UP.  MY BACK IS SPASMING.  I FEEL LIKE A SPAZZ.  IT FEELS SO WEIRD TO HAVE NO CONTROL OVER TWITCHY MUSCLES.  NO WEIRDER I SUPPOSE THAN WHEN I WAS MUSCLE BOUND EXCEPT NOT MOVING WAS OK.  MOVING ON IT'S OWN IS LIKE HAVING A GHOST IN MY MUSCLE.  LIKE IT ISN'T MY BODY. 

LEARNING IS PAIN

THE BODY STORES MEMORIES.  PHYSICAL SURVIVAL DEPENDS ON THOSE MEMORIES.  NOT RISKING LIFE.

SO AS WE MATURE MORE PAINFUL EXPERIENCES ARE STORED.

WE DON'T NEED TO REMEMBER HAPPY MEMORIES.  THEY DON'T THREATEN OUR SURVIVAL.

OLD AGE IS THE ACCUMULATION OF PAIN.  NOT WANTING TO MOVE IS AVOIDING TRIGGERING, RELEASING PAINFUL MEMORIES FROM THE TISSUES.  MEMORIES ARE CHEMICAL-ELECTRICAL IMPRINTS HARDWIRED INTO THE STRUCTURE FOR OUR SURVIVAL.  GIVING IN TO A SEDENTARY LIFE KEEPS ALL THE NEGATIVE EXPERIENCES LOCKED IN THE BODY.

PEOPLE BECOME SEDENTARY THEN OLD.  NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND.

ADRENALINE JUNKIES ARE TRYING TO RELEASE JUNK MEMORIES.  AND SOMETIMES MISCALCULATE.

I CHOOSE TO LIVE IN A BUBBLE I CAN CONTROL.

ME,ME,ME

I WENT TO T'S.  HE WAS LATE(OF COURSE).  I EXPECT IT.  ALSO HIS TYRANNICAL  CONTROL OVER THE PLAYLIST.  I STATED MY REQUEST.  HE ACCEDED.  WOW.

I'M EMOTIONALLY EXHAUSTED.  THIS WEEK WITH GREG THANKING ME FOR TALKING WITH HIM, THE MELTDOWN OF KINDNESS, DOING WHAT I WANT WHEN I WANT I'M FEELING DRAINED.  I BORROWED THE NEW, IMPROVED CHROMEBOOK.  I FOUND ONE ONLINE FOR $99 AND WOULD RATHER NOT OWN ONE. 

IT'S ALL SO NEW. 

changes

CHANGES IN ATTITUDE ARE LEADING TO A NEW WORLD.  I AM KNOWING THINGS AGAIN.  AND IT'S OK.  SCARY AND OK.  CHANGES IN LATITUDE. 

I HAD TO TURN IN THE C-BOOK.  I KNEW IT YESTERDAY.  AND TODAY I REALIZED I FORGOT CAMBELL DVD AT HOME SO I'LL GO TO CUPERTINO LATER.  I HAVEN'T BEEN THERE FOR A LONG TIME. 

VALENTINES WAS CUTE AT SRS.  I TOOK CARDS FROM WMART.  I PAID BILL AND FOUND CLEARANCE.  TYGJ.

WAVERING

I WAS SO TIRED I WENT TO BED AT 8, ASLEEP BY 9 FINISHED READING PG WODEHOUSE.  AWOKE 2:30 P, WATCHED SHALLOW HAL.  FELL ASLEEP.  AWOKE 4:30 DREAM I WENT TO HOME SHOW W/KATHY READLER.  WATCHED MORE SHALLOW HAL.  IT CAME OUT 2001 AFTER MOM.  I WAS SO SICK THEN.  TAKING CARE OF DAD THEN MOM ALMOST KILLED ME.  PAST LIVES.

I GUESS I'M BETTER.  I HOPE I'M BETTER.  I WANT TO BE BETTER.

I DON'T WANT TO GO TO SF BUT FEEL I HAVE TO.  STAYCATION?

THE KNOWN FEELS SECURE EVEN WHEN IT'S CHAOS.  IT'S FAMILIAR.

IF CHAOS IS THE NORM PEACE IS UNBEARABLE.  I CAN GET USED TO THIS.

LUNCH MELTDOWN.  I TOOK THE BERRIES TO SHARE.  INGA, ROSEMARIE, GERTA GOT AND GAVE ME CHICKEN AND RICE SECONDS AND I FELT SO SUPPORTED I CRIED.  I JUST LOST IT.  THE OTHER TABLES LEFTOVERS WAS LIKE A RAVENOUS WOLF PACK.  THEY LOOK OUT FOR ME AND SAVE ME A PLACE.  GERTA INCLUDED ME WITH THE DEVILED EGGS SHE MADE.  

I'M TRULY BLESSED.  TYGJ.

SPECTRUM

CBS SUNDAY MORNING AUTISM EMPLOYMENT.  MICROSOFT, SAP, IN SILICON VALLEY.

ST DWYNWEN LOVE SPOONS MIXING AND BLENDING.

AT G2 I NOTICED THE ENERGY OF A YOUNG MAN IN THE TUB.  AS I WAS PUTTING MY THINGS IN THE CAR HE WAS WALKING PAST AND I SAID OH WERE YOU IN THE HOT TUB.  HE AFFIRMED.  HE WAS PARKED NEXT TO ME.  I STARTED TALKING TO HIM.  HE WAS ROLLING AM SPIRIT.  HE SAID HE BROKE HIS FINGER AND WAS SMOKING OVER IN THE SHADE.  I BROUGHT MY GOLD ORGANIC AND JOINED HIM.  HE'S GOING TO MERCED STATE, HIS LAST YEAR.  HIS SON LIVES HERE.  HE WAS DOWN ABOUT HIS FINGER AND LESS THAN IDEAL GRADES.  I SAID COLLEGE IS ABOUT LEARNING TO LEARN.  A DEGREE PROVES HARDWORK AND AN ABILITY TO LEARN.  I TOLD HIM ABOUT AUTISM.  ONLINE TESTING AND HOW IT EXPLAINED SO MUCH ABOUT MY BEHAVIOR.  WHAT OTHERS LABELED LACK OF MOTIVATION.

GREG THANKED ME FOR TALKING TO HIM.  ACTUALLY THANKED ME.

I WAS SO THROWN I COULDN'T REMEMBER WHERE I PUT MY SMOKES AND LIGHTER.

I CONTINUED ON TO LUCKY'S BUT DIDN'T LIKE THE CANDY SPRINKLES ON THE CHOCOLATE DIPPED STRAWBERRIES.  I CALLED T TO SEE IF HE WAS GOING TO BE HOME TO SHARE THE BERRIES.  HE DIDN'T KNOW.  SO I CAME HOME, HAD HALF A HAM SANDWICH, PLANNING ON CHECKING THE SARATOGA STORE. 

I FOUND DRIZZLED BERRIES.  YUM.  HE ONLY WANTED TWO SO I WILL TAKE SOME TO SRS.

TYGJ.

I'M SO EXCITED

I REMEMBERED WORLDMARK 9:30 LAST NIGHT AND SPENT HOURS LOOKING FOR THE EMAIL.  IT WAS THE LAST DAY TO RESCHEDULE. 

I STARTED PLANNING TO GO.  MAR 11-15, SUNDAY-THURSDAY. 

THE INTERNET HAS CHANGED PAGES.  TOOK ME AWHILE TO FIND CALTRAIN PLANNING.

I WANT TO GO.

MAKING MY DREAMS COME TRUE

LAST NIGHT I DREAMED OF BLITHE SPIRIT AND HIGH SPIRITS DVDS.  AND IT WAS SET AT 1160 LAWRENCE STATION RD BACKYARD.  I'VE DREAMED OF THE BACKYARD GARDEN BEFORE BUT I DIDN'T REALIZE WHERE IT WAS.

I CAN REDO THAT PERIOD OF MY LIFE.  FROM 6-13.

I'M ALWAYS THE MAN IN THE RELATIONSHIP.  TAKING CARE OF EVERYONE.  THERE ARE SO MANY ADULT/CHILDREN.  NO WONDER I FEEL TIRED.  I HAVEN'T HAD ANYONE TO TAKE CARE OF ME.  [INVALIDS=INVALID.  SICK PEOPLE ARE ZEROS.]

I'VE BECOME THEM

I SAT AT LUNCH ALL JUDGY OF THE STRANGER.  I'VE ALLOWED THEM IN MY BEING.  I MUST DIAL THEM BACK.  EVEN A LITTLE POISON HAS A PURPOSE.

WORKING THE PUZZLE I DON'T HAVE TO THINK TO PLACE PIECES.  I AUTOMATICALLY PUT THEM IN.  AS I HOLD ON I WILL AUTOMATICALLY, UNCONSCIOUSLY CREATE MY HEAVEN.

ACHY ALL OVER

BAD ALLERGIES THIS YEAR.  I FELT ILL MOST OF YESTERDAY.  I'M TAKING PRECAUTIONS.  I FEEL HUNGRY ALL THE TIME.  MY DIGESTION IS OFF.

I MAY

IF I HAVE THE ENERGY I'D LIKE TO CHECK OUT THE HOPE THRIFT.  I CAN GO TO CAMPBELL LIB OR NOT. 

I WENT TO PICK UP.  DROPPED OFF.  THEN I WENT TO CITY LIB AND REALIZED I DIDN'T KNOW WHERE TWO DVDS WERE.  TOOK ME AWHILE TO FIND THEM.  I MUST STOP SCARING MYSELF.

4:15 AM

I HAD TO P.  SO I PUT ON DVD AND STAYED IN BED TIL 6.

I LOVE THE ABILITY TO GET UP WHEN I WANT.  I'M WATCHING SUNDAY MORNING.  I'M GOING TO B'FAST AT JACK IN THE BOX LAST DAY FOR $3 COUPON.  WOO-HOO!!!

I EXERCISED, SHOPPED LUCKY'S 2X POINTS, 3 CROUTONS AND MINI CUTTING BOARD $3.97, PICKED UP COUPON FOR FREE EGGS/$20 PURCHASE.

I LEFT MY PHONE AT HOME, T CALLED INVITING ME FOR NY PIZZA FOR SUPER BOWL WHENEVER I WANTED.  AT 1 I WENT TO GRO O FOR FROZEN $2.99 1.5 LB PORK BBQ RIBS.  STOPPED AT SARATOGA LUCKY'S $23.08, 8 COCONUT H2O,  DRIED GINGER, BBQ SAUCE, 2 WELCHES WHITE GRAPE.  SARATOGA TWICE THE COST OF  LAWRENCE. 

DROVE TO CITIBANK PAID CARD.

T WAS PRACTICING UNTIL 2:30.  NY PIZZA HAD TOO MANY ORDERS.  WE WANDERED AROUND, ME MAKING SUGGESTIONS.  DRIVING CYPRESS I SAW ESTATE SALE.  HE REFUSED TO STOP.  WE ENDED AT PANDA EXPRESS, TOOK THE FOOD BACK HOME.  I WENT TO THE SALE AND RETURNED TO WATCH FOOTBALL AND EAT CHINESE.  I DRANK COCONUT, RASPBERRY SODA HE GOT ME, REMEMBERED THE RYE WHISKEY FINALLY.  VERY GOOD WITH WATER.  HE ALREADY HAD FOUR OPENED BOTTLES OF VARIOUS WHISKEYS.  I BROUGHT IT HOME.

HAPPY CHILD, HAPPY ADULT

IT ONLY TOOK ME 67 YRS TO HAVE A HAPPY CHILDHOOD.  I HAVE PLAYMATES.  I'M PRACTICING HOW TO BE HAPPY.

I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO BEING A HAPPY ADULT.

I'M FREE OF TIME.  THE CLOCK NO LONGER TELLS ME WHAT TO DO OR WHEN TO DO IT.  I'M MISTRESS OF MY WORLD.