FEELING MATURE-DIGNITY

I CAN FEEL MY FEELINGS.  I'M EXORCISING THE TODDLER FEAR AND FRUSTRATION FROM THE PARENTS.  MOST OF THE ENERGY IS THEIRS. 

SO I'M NOT SLEEPING AND IT'S OK.  I HAVE MY DVDS AND I EVEN FIGURED HOW TO ADJUST THE SCREEN HERE AT THE LIBRARY. 

THIS A.M. I FOUND A QUARTER AND PENNY AND BOTTLE. 

MONEY, MONEY, MONEY.

THERE'S A BIG DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SLOW AND DIGNIFIED.  I THINK SLOW PEOPLE ARE AFRAID OF MOVING FORWARD.  AFRAID OF THE RESULTS OF THEIR BEHAVIOR.  AND WELL THEY SHOULD BE. 

LAST SUNDAY OF JANUARY

I TOOK OUT THE GARBAGE AND SEWED AND TIDIED.

I WENT TO SFWY/PAPER  AND G2. 

I MADE A SANDWICH FOR THE LIBRARY.  I ATE HALF AND SOME CHIPS. 
AND HERE I AM. 

I STILL HAVEN'T FOUND MY KEY OR COIN PURSE.

AND I'M OK WITH IT.  TODAY'S DAILY WORD; HEALING.  I FEEL AMAZINGLY WELL. 

EVEN WITH THE TRASHED HOUSE AND YARD.

YESTERDAY VALLEY VILLAGE RUMMAGE AT 9-10 LOOKING AT EVERYTHING.  ONWARD AND UPWARD.  AFTER SR SPA I WENT TO TD'S TO BUY HIM SHOES.  12:30 HE HUNG AROUND NOT WANTING TO LEAVE DELLA.  FINALLY I SAID THE LONGER WE WAIT THE MORE CROWDED THE STORES.  HE INSISTED ON GOING TO WELLS FARGO THO' I WAS GOING TO BUY HIM THE SHOES WITH MY $10 COUPON.  SO WE GO TO BIG 5 AND FINALLY AFTER AN HOUR HE FOUND A PAIR HE LIKED50+.  THEY DON'T TAKE DISCOVER AND HE REFUSED TO LET ME PAY WITH CHASE/VISA.  I WANTED TO GO TO THE CAMPBELL STORE BUT HE WANTED HONEYBAKED HAM.  THEN WE WENT TO ARBY'S AND I PAID $23 FOR LUNCH/3.

I WAS SORTING THROUGH MY CAR THIS A.M AT 9:30, I'D LEFT THE PASSENGER DOOR UNLOCKED AND IT WAS OK. YESTERDAY I FOUND SO MANY GREAT THINGS AT THE VALLEY VILLAGE RUMMAGE SALE.  I WENT TO THE FREE TABLE FIRST, TWO BLUE PLASTIC BOWLS, SOX, BUNCH OF TOWELS, DEERSKIN LINED GLOVES. AND I BOUGHT A SHOE ORGANIZER.75, A GOLD ANGEL/CRYSTALS 1, TWO BRACELETS 1.75, AMETHYST EARRINGS .50, SMALL OXO SALAD SPINNER.50, DREAM CATCHER.25.  I WAS OVERCHARGED TO 5.50 BUT I DON'T CARE BECUZ OF ALL THE FREE STUFF.

A CAR PULLS UP NEXT TO ME AND IT'S LINDA-TOMAS DRIVING TO ST LAWRENCE TO CHURCH SO SHE JUST SAID HI.

SO I STILL HAVE TO CAREFULLY BUDGET MY ENERGY AND I HAVE HOPE.

USING SHOPPING THERAPY

IT GETS ME OUT OF THE HOUSE, AWAY FROM THE OPPRESSION.  I CAN WALK FOR HOURS LOOKING AT THINGS.

YESTERDAY I GOT HOME AT 6 AFTER SAVERS, MISSION LIBRARY.

A VERY FULL DAY.

YESTERDAY WAS THE FIRST DAY BACK SRS SPA.

TAKING THE SAFEWAY

SUNDAY 6 AM THE SKYLIGHT STARTED LEAKING. IT MADE ME A LITTLE SAD.  DAD'S STILL TRYING TO AVOID DOING THE RIGHT THING.  HE'LL CARRY IT FORWARD.

I WENT TO SAFEWAY SATURDAY AND SUNDAY BEFORE OR AFTER GYM 2.

I'VE BEEN FINDING GREAT BARGAINS I NEED, 250 FOLIC ACID BOGO AT $3, JERKY $2.49, THAT I PAID $3.23 AT TARGET, 2 POPCORN TUBS FROM XMAS $11.99--$3.  SO DESPITE THE RAIN LEAKS I'M DOING SO MUCH BETTER.

THE SKYLIGHT IS LEAKING-ST J LUNCH SUNDAY

 AT 6AM I  WAS MAKING MY OATMEAL AND THE FLOOR FELT STICKY.  I GOT THE TORCH BECAUSE DAD'S FLORESCENT LIGHTS WEREN'T WORKING, OF COURSE.  AT FIRST I COULDN'T SEE ANYTHING.  IT HAD JUST STARTED.  THE COVER IS TWO YEARS OLD, GUARANTEED FOR 5.  I'LL CALL TOMORROW.

I TRIED TO BLOG FROM THE SUNNYVALE LIBRARY AND GOOGLE ASKED QUESTION WHEN DID I START THIS BLOG. 

IT'S MOST ANNOYING I CAN'T ACCESS MY ONLINE ACCOUNTS UNLESS IN SANTA CLARA.  THE I-D PROCESS I CAN'T MANAGE.  OH, WELL.

THE SMALL PATIO ROOF CORNER OVER SLIDING DOOR AS WELL.  I PUT BUCKET TO STOP SUBSIDENCE.

DAD IS NOT GOING AWAY WITHOUT A FIGHT.  WELL, HE'S CONSISTENT.  HE CAN'T WIN AND HE HAS TO PUT IN HIS TWO CENTS.  HE SHOULD SAVE IT FOR LATER.  MOM HAS NEVER BEEN FOR HER KIDS.

EVERY THING WITH THE HOUSE DEPRESSES ME.  DRAGS ME BACK TO MY CHILDHOOD, MAKING ME FEEL HOPELESS, HELPLESS, INCAPABLE.  ALL DAD'S FAULT. 

LEAVING DAD BEHIND-WEDNESDAY-GARBAGE DISPOSAL TUESDAY

I HAD THE BEST DAY IN ALVISO/MILPITAS.  I HAD A PCH ENTRY TO MAIL AND COULDN'T FIND THE STAMPS.  I STOPPED AT ALVISO PO AND MUST HAVE MAILED THE EXTRA STAMPS, YEAR OF THE ROOSTER-DAD, WITH MY ENTRY.  I GOT MY FREE CHICK-FIL-A SO IT BALANCED OUT. 


AND LAST NIGHT THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL STOPPED WORKING.  AND I GOT ANGRY.  NOT SAD, DEPRESSED, POWERLESS BUT ANGRY.  A STEP UP. 


DEAD DAD NEEDS TO FIX EVERYTHING IN DEATH SINCE HE ONLY STUBBORNLY MADE THINGS SELFISHLY WORSE IN LIFE.  FISH IN SELFISH.  NO WONDER HE LOVED FISHING.


I HAVE HOPE AND EXPECTATIONS, GREAT OR NO.


I'M ACTUALLY FEELING HAPPY.  I HAD A COLD/COUGH FOR A WEEK, STARTED TO GET OVER IT AND RE-CAUGHT IT TWO DAYS AGO AND IT'S GONE AGAIN.  SO I FEEL PRETTY GOOD.

LEAVING THE SMOKE BEHIND

I'VE SMOKED ALMOST MY ENTIRE LIFE.  EXCEPT FOR ROUGHLY THREE YEARS AND THEN MOM TOOK DAD'S SLEEPING PILLS, ENDED IN THE LOONEY BIN IN REDWOOD CITY, ALAMEDA DE LAS PULGAS. 


A YEAR LATER FEELING ANXIOUS I STARTED AGAIN. 


I CAN FEEL MYSELF CHANGING.  I HAVE A COLD FROM TOO MANY SWEETS.  WORTH IT.   THE CHOCOLATE CREAM PIE, OREOS, CHIPS. 


AND THE SR CTR IS SO HOT.  THEN OUT INTO THE COLD.  AND EVERY ONE IS COUGHING.

JANET-JENNY

AUNTIE TOMIE TOLD ME UNCLE HAS HAD DEMENTIA A YR AND HALF.  SO MUCH FOR LIFE.  SHE SAID UNCLE IS LUCID WHEN RECOUNTING LIFE STORIES.  I WAS TOTALLY SHAKEN.