Best Halloween ever

Realized today that the dread I have living at Nobili is old dread and probably not even my feelings.  A was never home because she hated it there and yet she chose to move back and try to get Mit and I to live with her.  Crazy!!!!

It occurred to me that living in a camper would make me feel light.

And give me time to organize the mess.

Ouch-Feeling the Healing

Mourning what I never had and maybe never will.  Mourning what I had instead.  Mourning what might have been.  My body is so stiff and sore.  The body remembers every blow. 

My head's been hurting on the outside.  My feet, legs, everything at different times.

I was up and down all night.  Watched dvds to fall asleep. 

I've just been feeling stressed and tired.  I'm tired of feeling tired. 

The only way to heal is to feel it and process.  Wait for it to dissipate.

I had a very weird, quiet weekend. Saturday Costco gas b4 the rain predicted.  Fresh and Easy two dinners.  Maria came by, no phone call to drop off JCP shirt that just isn't me.  I was in the middle of excavating the stove so I sent her off to finish.  Talked to no one Sunday and felt so calm.  Maybe I just want a bs free zone.  Give me the bottom line

.

wonder when

I'm still processing.  Walter Jr. and Walter Sr. are mirroring me and dad.  I get to watch from the outside and hope for the best. 


It's miraculous how God presents just what I need. 

Patience-Thursday10-2-2014Wednesday nite adventure

Yesterday I was feeling very fragile, uncomfortable.  T had scheduled Mon. Tue. to come over and help at the house.  Postponed until Wed. and changed plan to dinner Della made, cornbread and chili.  Then he invited me to SF Thurs. to hear a friend play at Biscuits and Blues at 7:30.  He called at 2:30 to say 5 pickup.  I asked if I should eat b4 and he got all flustered about the new idea.  So he agreed to burger in-n-out.  I said I'd rather McD or BK and he agreed.  So then of course, he was late, 5:30 and drove Monroe to LX to Homestead to Wolfe.  Refused to go the easy way to Wolfe.  Drove to Vallco.  McD moved.  Bk  the other side of complex so we drove aimlessly up SCrkBlvd u-turned back to DeAnza and proceeded to drive towards Saratoga.  Saw a BK on the right, couldn't get over, made another U-turn and got food.  He needed to eat, ranting he was a child who only thought of himself and he was late because only his time was important and nobody liked him.  People will only put up with him for so long and he was going to live under a bridge but first he'd kill himself.


This after Della loaned him her car and Julie is counting on him to housesit for two weeks. 


So after I ate I felt better, he was still upset with me saying we can't get along.  I just let him wear himself out.  Going to SF was exciting.  Drove along the bay.  So beautiful.  I was commenting and he yelled at me to be quiet and what was wrong with me.  He was nervous he never drove b4.  Was driven.  Parked in garage 2 doors away. Got there at 7:30.  They hadn't started.  Loco was there.  They were all Common Ground Hill buddies.  We took Loco home.


I had Anderson Valley oatmeal stout.  He had two cuba libres.  $6.50 and $20.00.  I paid drinks $36 tax and tip for great service.  He paid Bk and pkg.


Best time I've had in a loonngg time.


Just what I needed.

toxic parents-susan forward phd

Read about it in last last Sunday's paper.  Last last Monday I started looking for it at the libraries.  Found one in SV  and another SCity.  Picked up SV last Saturday, and SCity on Sunday with St Justin lunch.  Read it all by Sunday.  I have yet to do the exercises.

I find it interesting that some of the exercises I've already done on my own.  

Go Figure.  I finally watched Nurse Betty in its entirety.  1999.  Dad's last six months was such hell for me.  A torturing us all.  Not being able to sleep with his wandering and waking me up.  Trying to work to pay bills.  

The week he died getting no sleep because A insisted on me taking him to her chiropractor (that she'd never been to in south san jose) on a Tuesday, listening to him cry and complain, begging for Vicodin.   My chiropractor that I'd seen on a regular basis in Santa Clara wasn't good enough for her diabolical plans.  Then her insisting I take him Thursday because the chiro was going on vacation.  I refused so she guilted Mit into taking him so Mit would say Mit killed him.  He died that Sunday in Kaiser.

Weird how I didn't know this writing would come out like this.  I kept seeing parts of the movie and couldn't wrap my head around it.  Then when I tried to find it to watch it I couldn't.  So yesterday (Daily Word freedom) I decided to go to Milpitas Grt Mall and stopped by Northside library and there it was along with other dvds I wanted to watch and the Cricket for Dummies.  

Somehow the movie in 1999 was linked to my discomfort still remaining from then.  

Unconsciously I chose the time frame to release the remainder of my pain, grief and anger about Sunday, September 5, 1999.

Doing more now and enjoying it more!

This is the most I've done for the longest continuous number of days.  From Monday the 4th I drove CJ to Fremont, Tuesday Campbell library, Saturday Northside library opening, Sunday Main library, Monday ,Tuesday PGE meeting, Wednesday movie TMNT in 3D dinner at TD's, And today's the 14th.


It's been 14 years. 


And what do I Want To Do?  Been watching 3rd Rock from the Sun. 

united states of autism-dvd

And more is being revealed.  Raun K. Kaufman is in the movie.  Sonrise, by his dad Barry S. Kaufman. 


Been balancing doing with being.  And winning.  Touch and go at times.  Tomorrow St. Nicholas rummage. 


Missed Los Altos United Methodist in May.

asperger day 8*4*14 w/CJ

Cj insisted I not cancel Sr. lunch so I drove directly.  12 miles half hour.  Then I drove his car to Newark and thought of my past.  (googled Dr. Woo no results.)

Such a great day.  Toured through Fremont to Thrifttown and had lovely time looking.  Ate pizza at Bronco Billy's.  Yeeha!  By the time we finished we decided to lay low from the traffic at Saver's Milpitas.  Avoided traffic and the toll on 237.  Arrived Los Altos 6:30, home by 7.

And this morning, Great!!!

Forgot smokes so very add.  Bought some Walgreen's Fremont.

Free Lunch 7*27*14 Sunday-St Justin

To my way of thinking everything can be free.  Everything is energy.  The sun is free. 

90* day HOT-HOT-HOT

Yesterday and today staying in the cool at seniors.  I'm amazed when I consider how sick I was and how badly I felt.  How limited I was.



My life has improved.  And I'm learning how to keep my energy by not feeling responsible for others.



Gil keeps asking me to dinner and movie but when I say ok he hems and haws.  He spends all this attention on his face and how he appears, none on the rest of him.



I'm learning.
Typical alcoholic commitmentphobic behavior to act like needy puppy.  Too close too soon and then fear filled and avoidance.  Pushing, intruding, forcing the other person to delineate boundaries to make them feel guilty to manipulate them.  All an act.  None of it reality. 


Acting GOOFY and on drugs and denying. 


Need for attention and then pulling away, broken promises.  Blaming his behavior on the other person.  His calling 5 times in one day to say hi.  Like Arlene.  Ridiculous.  Riddick-ulous.


Forcing other people to react to them making them feel in control. 

HERE I AM 7*1**14 TUESDAY

I watched Frozen dvd, $anta, Chase cash.  Still very hot.  Unless the wind picks up it will be in the 90's again. 


Spent the whole, entire day here at the Sr. Ctr.  Went home in time for Xwords.  Tried out spaghetti sauce last night and bought more today.  Same with toilet cleaner. 


Didn't go to Savers half off sale yesterday.  Chose not to go.  I'm very satisfied with my hematite bracelets from last Fri.

Wisdom for a HAPPY HEALTHY DEATH-Do not like the new blog configuration-the old style was clearer and easier to use, this one is too much guesswork on the limits and meanings. And it automatically edits and adds flourishes.

Old people deteriorate because otherwise they'd want to live forever. 


Most people are totally selfish.  Most want the rules to apply to everyone else and themselves to be special and exempt.  The way to live a happy healthy life is to wholeheartedly plan a happy and healthy death.


OK. Changed my mind about new format.  It is an improvement.


Big win yesterday.  Wheelchair bully tried to engage me in her "help me" drama.  Like the fly trapped in the spider's web.  Been there, done that with dad.   Don't want or need to do it again.  I'll just watch her fade out. 


Remembering how dad wanted to be the invalid with all around him catering to his every need.  Lonely, unpleasant people.  The only way to trap company.  Like Lucille.


The lesson of the FLY.  The lost cause crying for help.  Insincere.  Lucille is the spider and the fly.


Looked up Dr. Fari and her YELP is baaad.  What and how do I help?  Ehh,  she may deserve it.  How do I know.  Who do I think I am.


I don't need to do anything.  Not my job.

I'm Royalty in a heat wave

Yesterday after it started to cool off, I opened the bathroom window and noticed Tomas had left the saw horses in the dirt.  He left a mess like he usually does.  I was too tired to check last week or whenever it was, like I usually do.  Passive-aggressive.  And in denial re-his family.

I am the child of the queen of denial and the king of the passive-aggressive.

And I'm physically ok.  The heat and the activity are ok. I've been taking care of myself and doing laundry and banking and I feel hot and sweaty but not like I'm dying.  Woo-hoo!!!!

I have Hope again.

Made it through another tax season*Learning to love MySelf

4*24*14-THURSDAY


Deep breath in and let it go.  I sooo don't like this planet.  No, I like the planet, the 5% humanimals (human-animals) ruin it. 


X hated people and his idea of heaven was no other people.  A lonely man.  A bitter, vindictive, hate filled man.  I guess he got so good at hating he lost the ability to control it and wasn't interested in re-learning love.


Humans are so imperfect we need the definition in the Bible to know what and how to love. 


I don't know if I've ever been loved.


90% are average and 5% are intelligent/compassionate enough to live thoughtfully, and 5% are just mean hum-animals.


We had new people at the table yesterday.  So many new people don't come back.  The food or the company?

4*24*14-UPDATE*Almost forgot Scott-skylight4*8*14 install tuesday

4*9*14wednesday


So dad's 40yr old skylit finally got a new top yesterday.  Doesn't look $250 worth.  Well, what goes around comes around.  I don't mind the $250 for labor but I wonder how long the guarantee lasts on the cover.  Scott called to say he didn't do the cover Monday because he had a sinus infection and had to go to the doctor and get antibiotics.


4*24*14thursday
Called and left message on office phone regarding getting some paperwork.  I just had a brilliant idea and googled the manufacturer.  They have an office in Campbell.  WOO HOO!!!!!

It's been a looonnnggg time-First post 4-9- 2014

I hadn't realized how long it's been. 

I guess I'm a lot calmer than I realized.

I'm still dealing with the family curse.  Had my tooth crowned $800.  Still paying for it.  Like my family.  Paying for their sins.  Missing the target.  Huh. 

I never know what I'm going to come up with until I start writing.  I suppose I should write therapeutically. 

Janet came back from HI vacation and brought me candy from Uncle Dickie.  She makes me laugh.  She said be sure to send him a thankyou so he wouldn't think she ate it.  The first time I talked to her was at the library lecture on chocolate and she was there with her elderly neighbor.  I won a bag of books and she won huge chocolate bars.  She had dropped her ticket on the floor and said she never won.  Then, she doesn't eat candy so her neighbor and I benefited.  So I offered her my books in trade and she said she doesn't read.  I think she's hilarious.  I think it's her delight in not liking to read. 

So Friday I have another tooth to fix.  The domino effect. 


Physically I've been able to function so much better.  Emotionally I'm still learning.