Makes me cry

I've been helping Sidney with his bad foot like dad had except Sidney has gout r/t diabetes.  So I know all about gout.  Gave him foot massager ($2.50 at Salvation Army).  He invited me to lunch I picked Fri.

My parents were never grateful or giving.  I had to struggle for everything from them.  After Sidney went upstairs to the computer room.  I started crying at the puzzle table.  I got up and went to the ladies.

There is No Excuse for their behavior.

I let go and let God.  I'm tired of crying.

Hate not Anger

I'm processing the hatred I've carried in my body from infancy.  Mom hated me.  That's why she treated me with such vengeance.  There's no excuse or explanation that takes the edge off the wound. 

I've been depressed the past two weeks.  I'm so used to feeling this way I didn't even notice.  After I cried yesterday( movie with autistic child, Mercury Rising ) I felt better and was able to function.  I've been locked, blocked.  That too, I didn't notice until it was gone. 

Spending my whole life in the prison of my body, freedom is strange.  That's what old age is.  An opportunity to get out of jail.  Pass Go and collect infinite cash.

Mom hated me so first she gave me to my grandma and then when aunty wanted to adopt me and everyone could see the hatred she gave me to A, five yrs older and taught to hate me too.  Explains the treatment I've received from sibs.  Taught to hate me, don't expect anything else.

Today I understand why the world was kinder to me and some people more loving and why I feel uncomfortable with nice people.

Fri-susandate7/12/13-blog won't let me in-daisy/dog

7*14*13 Sunday
Don't know why the blog locked up.  Could be the computer I was on at the Sr Ctr.  They are so messed up.

So today I'm at the library.  Had lunch at St Just.  God is good to me. 

7*14*13  Emotional pain is so much worse than physical.  Physical pain has limits, exhaustion and sleep.  Emotional pain hurts from the inside out and doesn't let up.  Staying with it, it slowly diminishes in microscopic amounts. 

Daisy is a good teacher of pain and limitations and survival.  She doesn't take her meds when she doesn't need them.  She's practically human in her ability to size people up and get the most out of them.

THAT DOG IS NOT TRYING TO KILL ME-DAISY AND BEA BUTI

DOG SITTING FOR JULIE TOMAS' NIECE, DAISY/DOG HAS HIP DISPLASIA.  SO I CARRY HER IN A TOWEL SLING OUT AND IN FROM    THE LAUNDRY ROOM TO THE BACKYARD FOR HER POTTY BREAKS.  SHE CAN MOVE WHEN SHE WANTS TO AND FOLLOWED ME INTO THE OFFICE AND BDRM BUT WOULDN'T TAKE HERSELF TO THE LAUNDRY ROOM AT BEDTIME.  SHE GETS OFF THE TOWEL SLING WHEN SHE WANTS TO BUT WON'T GET ON HERSELF SO I HAVE TO PICK HER UP AND PLACE HER.  BESIDES CARRYING HER.

AFTER TAKING CARE OF DAISY FOR AN ENTIRE DAY MY BACK, NECK AND SHOULDERS ARE SCREAMING.  MY LEGS PROBABLY HURT TOO BUT I CAN'T TELL.  MY NECK HURTS TOO MUCH.  MY FEET ARE JUST SORE.  AND TINGLY.

NU-STEPPED 400 ONLY INSTEAD OF THE USUAL 2-3K.  AND STRETCHED EVERY THING OUT FOR  HALF AN HOUR.  SO FEELING BETTER.  LIGHT HEADED.

I ALMOST TURNED AROUND AND DIDN'T COME TO SRS.  DRIVING UP BASCOM AVE., I FELT TIRED AND ON THE VERGE OF NAUSEATED.  MY BACK WAS SO SORE.  AND STEPPING ON THE BRAKE WAS PAINFUL.  I COULD FEEL MY BLOOD SUGAR FLUCTUATING.  IT WAS A STRAIGHT SHOT SO I MADE IT OK.  IF I'D HAD TO MAKE A LOT OF TURNS I WOULDN'T HAVE HAD THE ENERGY.  GOING BACK WILL BE BETTER.  IF I HAVE ENOUGH ENERGY I'LL STOP AT CAMPBELL LIBRARY AND RETURN TWO DVDS.

WELL, ENOUGH OF THAT .  GAVE SYDNEY THE VIBRATING SLIPPERS FROM SALVATION ARMY.  HE OFFERED TO PAY AND I TOLD HIM IT WAS A GIFT AND HE WAS OBLIGED TO USE THEM OR I'D FEEL HURT.  FELT SO GOOD.  TEE HEE.

REMINDED ME OF BEA BUTI.  I'LL HAVE TO GOOGLE HER.  I BOUGHT AN $80 PAIR OF AMETHYST EARRINGS FROM THE GEMINI'S NORA AND JULIE AT THEIR BOOKSTORE IN 1985 AND KNEW I WOULDN'T WEAR THEM.  BEA MARI-ELed ME AND WOULDN'T TAKE ANY $.  SHE WAS RESCUING DOGS AND WORKING PART TIME TO SUPPORT THEM.  SO THE ONE TIME I WORE THEM WAS AT LUNCH WITH HER AND SHE SAID "OH, YOU'RE THE ONE WHO BOUGHT THEM."  I SAID "YOU RECOGNIZE THESE EARRINGS?"  AND SHE SAID, "YES, I'D GO INTO THEIR STORE AND ADMIRE THEM."  SO I TOOK THEM OFF AND GAVE THEM TO HER SINCE I'D NEVER WEAR THEM AGAIN AND OBVIOUSLY GOD WANTED HER TO HAVE THEM.

I DIDN'T HAVE MUCH $ BUT I HAD MORE THAN HER AND SHE DESERVED HER HEART'S DESIRE.

SOMETIMES WE HAVE A HARD TIME ACCEPTING OUR JUST REWARDS.

Acting the Adult-Dogsitting in Campbell using Julie's internet

I'm very clear we only act as adults.  No one leaves their childhood behind. 

My electric self keeps touching the laptop mouse and sending the cursor everywhere.

I'm amazing myself with how much I'm able to do this year, now.  I've been driving everyday.  When I was first able to do it I couldn't believe myself.  Now, I'm amazed.  I'm able to carry a 12lb. dog in and out of the house 3 times a day.  I remember when 10 lb. made me sick in my back and stomach.  I could manage 3 wet pieces of laundry at a time. 

At my sickest, just taking a bath took all day and a week to recover. 

I finally figured out heat caused my back to become even more inflamed and the constricted nerves made my digestion malfunction.  At one point all I could digest was ramen noodles and chicken bouillon.  I was thrilled when I could eat chile and rice.