Pain-free paint

The Pain from the past                                                         
Tomas was kind enough to choose the paint contractor for me.  I was emotionally paralyzed.  Too many decisions on what to leave behind from the past.                                                                      
I've been taking a vacation from my life here at 449 Zaton.  Spending 70% here, 25% at seniors, and 5% at 2281 Nobili av.
 Della's at Mary's in Ariz.

Strange new sensations, pain?  in different parts of the body.       

I called them Mon. 23rd and had tue and wed Christmas to adjust to the idea.  They started Thu and even came 10 min. early.   

more pain surfacing-pain in paint

I have a new roof.  And now the painting.  And the terror of doing the wrong thing, making the wrong choice, and the resulting fear of lifelong humiliation is back. 

Ouch!!!!!  My shoulder blades feel as if I'm growing wings.  Hopefully something equally good arises.  Who knows?

All the physical trauma of being abused and the emotional pain of what my mom in her ignorance (I hope) encouraged A to become a sociopath by approving of the torture and laughing.  

Mom went out of her way to impress on me All through my childhood how retarded I was, until I went to kindergarten and tested as gifted.  One of the many family jokes about me, singling me out as the family joke.  Not the family comedian, but the family joke.  The literal butt of the family. 

How I was weirdly careful as an infant and never fell off the couch.  Did she want me to??

How I hated carrying my own soiled diapers.  Who would enjoy that??

And every day some new humiliation to endure.  I became terrific at enduring.   Observing my sisters given their every hearts' desire and "poor susan" learning to look the other way and pretending not to hear the laughter and learning not to care.

I learned to care for other things.  What is truly valuable,  what is truly important.  What is necessary, what is the minimum?  They left me nothing else.

My life so far has been barely surviving.  The depression, fear, solitude, all a flashback of my childhood.  

I guess that's what makes it so scary, I thought it was behind me and once again the same feelings are back.  

Out on my own from 1-39 yrs I learned coping behaviors, but was I really living?  Guess not if it's back.

Mr. Rhodes my advisor and first employer ( I tutored his daughter in math from a D to a B) was the first adult to help me.  He paid for me to go to a weekend Christian camp in Ben Lomond and applied to the colleges for me.  

I knew I'd have to pay my own way as always.  So I chose SJSU.  What would I have become with support??

I asked M&D why if I was such a retarded burden they kept Aunty Katchan from adopting me.  Mom said dad wouldn't allow it.  He wouldn't answer.  Confronting them at 39 may seem foolish but A only told me at 35.  Now I know he was just jealous.  Like the night he put my aquarium on the porch in the middle of winter, trying to kill my fish.  

And he taught Mit to do the same with my parakeets.  

Feeling exhausted. 

Got 4 estimates:  Affordable Ptg, HouseDrs, Faith Ptg, and Alfredo Perez.  

After the stress of finding and choosing a roofing contractor I'm emotionally and physically wasted. 

Not feeling adult at all

Finally in to the body of this blog.  There are so many downloads on this computer#12 that popups keep covering the screen.  Like life itself.  Last week weak. Inundated with avalanche of old feelings cascading over and around me.

Tomas has been so supportive.  Took me for hearing test at Sears so I could feel I  was moving forward.

I'm raw and open like a newborn.  Wahhhh!!!

I feel like I'm doing a vision quest.  Standing in the fog, waiting for it to rise or dissipate.

This strange page won't let me preview.

Time for something completely different.

AND ON ...

Storm clouds, so Woods roofing (rolfing) is watching the skies.  Report is rain north bay and its iffy here so....Postponed two days, whether the weather.

Yesterday I felt lousy.  The only word that covers the feeling.  Started catching cold Sat nite after dinner with Della and Tomas.  He called at 3, while I was filling the green bin.  Invited me to drive over and out to dinner.  So I stopped, put everything away and rested for 1 1/2 hrs.  Since he asked I felt I wanted to see him and Della.  

Next a. m. didn't feel so good.  Stayed in bed Sunday til 2, feeling so tired and dragged out.  Sneezing and blowing my nose.  And so cold.   

monday braced myself for the afternoon hearing test at Sears.  Went Srs and did my regular routine, exercise and computer.  Paid con-cellular still feeling lousy.  Forced myself to PGE pay and home.  

Tomas came by 3:40 and brought in green bins.  And we went to Sears.  He did the familiar voice and the strange thing is Kyle didn't say to face Tomas while he read from a list of words.  Tomas sometimes doesn't speak clearly but he enunciated and kept the volume fairly constant.  

The electronic part was in a sound proof booth.  There was a window and a signalling device like on Jeopardy.  So much fun.  I had a hard time not laughing the whole time.  The left headphone started humming on the second part of the test while testing the right ear.  My left ear hears better.  Most of my stretching work has been on the left. Time to stretch out the right side of my neck and shoulder.  

Tomas took me to Pho. Hurray!!!  My shoulder blades  were so sore.  I told Tomas I was growing wings.  I'm so funny.  That tofu veg soup fixed me right up.  A new Susan.

WHEW!!!!!!!!!!!!

The last ten days!!  Got more estimates on the roof.  $21k, $25k, $14,600, and finally $14,400.  Woods roofing explained and itemized the most completely.  Maybe it was that I felt comfortable getting estimates by the last one.  By the third, Western roofing, I was starting to accept this major investment.  Woods also said they could start next week Tuesday and might be done by Friday if nothing unexpected came up.  Western was booked through November.  

So today I'm feeling exhausted.  God and I have done a lot the last ten days.  Hurray!! ME!!

I've been busy every day.  Taking care of me and my responsibilities.  Libraries, St. Justine, Sr Ctr., home.

All Saints Day-HELP!!!**Update Tue. 11/5/13

Today is actually the fifth, tuesday but I couldn't get into the body of the blog on last friday.

Saturday I called Erik and went over.  He was not well.  I drove us to tung kee pho.   I asked him if he knew any roofers and he just had his roof done by his mom's contractor, santiago garcia.  6K  sounded hopeful.
Halfway through dinner in walked santiago.  Erik was surprised I wasn't.

I guess I expect miracles.  Help Me Course in Miracles-Jesus.

I need another miracle.  Santiago's estimate 21K.

Feeling so tired of all the drama.  Bring on the Happy, Healthy, Wealthy, Wise!!!!!!!

Doing new things-Mtn View Library-can't get in to type-update tue

It's been a rocky ride/as opposed to rocky road

Life has been particularly scary this entire month.  I'm talking the last 30 days. 

( this won't double space the paragraphs)  and the dude next to me is mumbling to himself. 

Going to that wedding started a whole new energy flowing.                                                             

So I'm sitting here in the Sunnyvale library waiting for the book sale to begin at 1.  Got here at 11:55 to get parking.  Found one in shade!!!!  People who hang at libraries, we must all be weird.  The lady across from me is reading her emails?? out loud.  I know she's not skyping.                                          

I'm doing new things, feeling new things.                                                              

Tomas invited me to San Pedro Market to hear Dave Burroughs' play in celtic/irish group.  I guess they're all the rage now.  Dave is so much more comfortable and seems happier playing the violin.  Makes me want to play too.  I might I might not.

I called Fri. about jury duty.  It's been 9 yrs since the last summons.  Bought the car with the alarm so I could find it quickly.  I'm sooo much healthier now.                             
I like this rainbow effect.

That time again+update 9*14*13

Been out of sorts.  Tomas helped, taking me to Half Moon Bay and today, this a m  I realized tomorrow is dad's 14th deathiversary. 

I can't figure out why this one has spell check and sometimes depending on how I get in I guess I just have to wing it.

It's actually 9*14*13. Seems like months since I went to half moon.  So much has been going on inside me and my body is changing.  I can do what I want and go where I want and I'm discovering those things.  I want to BE the best ME I can BE. 

This is incredible. 

Error on page-wouldn't let me write

 

Today is 8/16/13-Friday

I managed to write the heading but couldn't access the blog body on 8/6/13. 

So today it's still doing weird things.   Didn't want to capitalize or enlarge.  I don't know why it went bold but I like it.  It doesn't want to do more than one thing and I have to insist. 

I came in directly from the internet, no google search first. 

Feels rather good, knowing I'm findable.

I love coffee.  It's wonderful drinking the stuff again.  I missed it.  It used to give me heart palpitations.  Did for years.  I can drink decaf.  And tea for my caffeine.

Reincarnation-Success-Genie out of the Bottle

Always hated the idea of reincarnation as an inefficient way of God running the Universe.  How assanine to have to keep redoing the third grade.

In 1981 I was ready to get my divorce.  I retained a lawyer and found I couldn't physically fill out the paperwork.  I'd break out in a cold sweat and get so nauseated I was afraid I'd vomit on the forms.  I knew it was psychosomatic so I called Hayward Kaiser and booked an appointment with Dr Eidelshink.  He listened to my story of betrayal for the last 10 years and that we'd gone to counseling and the continuation of betrayal and disappointment.  Towards the end of the 50 minutes he said he'd like to try something.  He hypnotized me with a posthypnotic suggestion that I find the cause of my resistance to ending an obviously doomed relationship.  He recommended I practice relaxation(self-hypnosis) three times a day and like the model patient I did so.

I was overworked managing two stores for Goodwill of Greater East Bay.  A had gotten tickets to an Association for Research and Enlightenment seminar at the Oakland Airport Marriott Hotel, a command performance.  She enticed me with my not having to do anything.  She'd pick me up and pay for everything. On arriving she connected with some people and I was off the hook.  I met a woman my age.  Our husbands were almost twins.  They lied and cheated everyone.  She had to pretend they were living together and not married.  He played around like X.   She wanted to go to the class on reincarnation.

Not believing in reincarnation, I accompanied her.  The past life regression hypnotist admonished that rather than having a bad, negative or uncomfortable experience nothing would happen.  So when I fell asleep I didn't think twice about it because 1) it didn't exist and 2) I was exhausted from working 70+ hours a week.The next a.m., Sunday, I had an epiphany,  filled out the papers, went to work and kept my Monday morning appointment with Dr Eidelshink.  I asked his opinion about reincarnation.  Either it existed or I was a major loony.  He said it didn't matter what he thought, only if my life was manageable.  I relayed my success with filling out the papers and finally seeing the end of the hell my life had been.

He recommended we book next week's appointment just in case and if anything serious came up I could always rely on him.  If I didn't need the appointment I could cancel.  I was fine.

simply outrageous

Been mourning dad and the fact that his thick blood condition could have been helped by drinking more h2o. How simple would that have been, but then he wouldn't have spent $ on coumadin.  And had brain bleeding and aggravated his diabetes and high blood pressure.

How much of life is simply ridiculous??

Been watching all the episodes of One Foot in the Grave.  Richard Wilson points out the series is concerned with the other foot.  I find it funny that he complains all the time and gets punished for his attitude like dad and never learns, like dad again.

Makes me cry

I've been helping Sidney with his bad foot like dad had except Sidney has gout r/t diabetes.  So I know all about gout.  Gave him foot massager ($2.50 at Salvation Army).  He invited me to lunch I picked Fri.

My parents were never grateful or giving.  I had to struggle for everything from them.  After Sidney went upstairs to the computer room.  I started crying at the puzzle table.  I got up and went to the ladies.

There is No Excuse for their behavior.

I let go and let God.  I'm tired of crying.

Hate not Anger

I'm processing the hatred I've carried in my body from infancy.  Mom hated me.  That's why she treated me with such vengeance.  There's no excuse or explanation that takes the edge off the wound. 

I've been depressed the past two weeks.  I'm so used to feeling this way I didn't even notice.  After I cried yesterday( movie with autistic child, Mercury Rising ) I felt better and was able to function.  I've been locked, blocked.  That too, I didn't notice until it was gone. 

Spending my whole life in the prison of my body, freedom is strange.  That's what old age is.  An opportunity to get out of jail.  Pass Go and collect infinite cash.

Mom hated me so first she gave me to my grandma and then when aunty wanted to adopt me and everyone could see the hatred she gave me to A, five yrs older and taught to hate me too.  Explains the treatment I've received from sibs.  Taught to hate me, don't expect anything else.

Today I understand why the world was kinder to me and some people more loving and why I feel uncomfortable with nice people.

Fri-susandate7/12/13-blog won't let me in-daisy/dog

7*14*13 Sunday
Don't know why the blog locked up.  Could be the computer I was on at the Sr Ctr.  They are so messed up.

So today I'm at the library.  Had lunch at St Just.  God is good to me. 

7*14*13  Emotional pain is so much worse than physical.  Physical pain has limits, exhaustion and sleep.  Emotional pain hurts from the inside out and doesn't let up.  Staying with it, it slowly diminishes in microscopic amounts. 

Daisy is a good teacher of pain and limitations and survival.  She doesn't take her meds when she doesn't need them.  She's practically human in her ability to size people up and get the most out of them.

THAT DOG IS NOT TRYING TO KILL ME-DAISY AND BEA BUTI

DOG SITTING FOR JULIE TOMAS' NIECE, DAISY/DOG HAS HIP DISPLASIA.  SO I CARRY HER IN A TOWEL SLING OUT AND IN FROM    THE LAUNDRY ROOM TO THE BACKYARD FOR HER POTTY BREAKS.  SHE CAN MOVE WHEN SHE WANTS TO AND FOLLOWED ME INTO THE OFFICE AND BDRM BUT WOULDN'T TAKE HERSELF TO THE LAUNDRY ROOM AT BEDTIME.  SHE GETS OFF THE TOWEL SLING WHEN SHE WANTS TO BUT WON'T GET ON HERSELF SO I HAVE TO PICK HER UP AND PLACE HER.  BESIDES CARRYING HER.

AFTER TAKING CARE OF DAISY FOR AN ENTIRE DAY MY BACK, NECK AND SHOULDERS ARE SCREAMING.  MY LEGS PROBABLY HURT TOO BUT I CAN'T TELL.  MY NECK HURTS TOO MUCH.  MY FEET ARE JUST SORE.  AND TINGLY.

NU-STEPPED 400 ONLY INSTEAD OF THE USUAL 2-3K.  AND STRETCHED EVERY THING OUT FOR  HALF AN HOUR.  SO FEELING BETTER.  LIGHT HEADED.

I ALMOST TURNED AROUND AND DIDN'T COME TO SRS.  DRIVING UP BASCOM AVE., I FELT TIRED AND ON THE VERGE OF NAUSEATED.  MY BACK WAS SO SORE.  AND STEPPING ON THE BRAKE WAS PAINFUL.  I COULD FEEL MY BLOOD SUGAR FLUCTUATING.  IT WAS A STRAIGHT SHOT SO I MADE IT OK.  IF I'D HAD TO MAKE A LOT OF TURNS I WOULDN'T HAVE HAD THE ENERGY.  GOING BACK WILL BE BETTER.  IF I HAVE ENOUGH ENERGY I'LL STOP AT CAMPBELL LIBRARY AND RETURN TWO DVDS.

WELL, ENOUGH OF THAT .  GAVE SYDNEY THE VIBRATING SLIPPERS FROM SALVATION ARMY.  HE OFFERED TO PAY AND I TOLD HIM IT WAS A GIFT AND HE WAS OBLIGED TO USE THEM OR I'D FEEL HURT.  FELT SO GOOD.  TEE HEE.

REMINDED ME OF BEA BUTI.  I'LL HAVE TO GOOGLE HER.  I BOUGHT AN $80 PAIR OF AMETHYST EARRINGS FROM THE GEMINI'S NORA AND JULIE AT THEIR BOOKSTORE IN 1985 AND KNEW I WOULDN'T WEAR THEM.  BEA MARI-ELed ME AND WOULDN'T TAKE ANY $.  SHE WAS RESCUING DOGS AND WORKING PART TIME TO SUPPORT THEM.  SO THE ONE TIME I WORE THEM WAS AT LUNCH WITH HER AND SHE SAID "OH, YOU'RE THE ONE WHO BOUGHT THEM."  I SAID "YOU RECOGNIZE THESE EARRINGS?"  AND SHE SAID, "YES, I'D GO INTO THEIR STORE AND ADMIRE THEM."  SO I TOOK THEM OFF AND GAVE THEM TO HER SINCE I'D NEVER WEAR THEM AGAIN AND OBVIOUSLY GOD WANTED HER TO HAVE THEM.

I DIDN'T HAVE MUCH $ BUT I HAD MORE THAN HER AND SHE DESERVED HER HEART'S DESIRE.

SOMETIMES WE HAVE A HARD TIME ACCEPTING OUR JUST REWARDS.

Acting the Adult-Dogsitting in Campbell using Julie's internet

I'm very clear we only act as adults.  No one leaves their childhood behind. 

My electric self keeps touching the laptop mouse and sending the cursor everywhere.

I'm amazing myself with how much I'm able to do this year, now.  I've been driving everyday.  When I was first able to do it I couldn't believe myself.  Now, I'm amazed.  I'm able to carry a 12lb. dog in and out of the house 3 times a day.  I remember when 10 lb. made me sick in my back and stomach.  I could manage 3 wet pieces of laundry at a time. 

At my sickest, just taking a bath took all day and a week to recover. 

I finally figured out heat caused my back to become even more inflamed and the constricted nerves made my digestion malfunction.  At one point all I could digest was ramen noodles and chicken bouillon.  I was thrilled when I could eat chile and rice. 

Finally figured out the organization of myblogs-Social Hermit

Hurray!!!  I went to settings after fumbling around the site and edited my blog titles. 

Watching the movies of my youth, the themes that kept my sanity intact while mom was going through menopause.  I read and reread Tolkien and had all his books.  I read Silmarillion, the Smith of Wooten Major, Farmer Giles of Ham. 

I am a social hermit.  I live in society in a cocoon of peace.  The hundred year old marathon runner who smoked and only drank one type of beer (no other liquids) is a social hermit.  He keeps himself above the toxicity.  Toxic-city.  Lives in England.  From the dvd on longevity.  Has a personal regimin to which he sticks.

Explains my fascination w/Herman's Hermits.

What happened to my spellcheck?

Funny how untitled is titled untitled-CURSERS

Tomorrow starts a new cycle.  I look forward to what it brings.  I've determined some people for whatever reason habitually curse others.  They make others sick with their subliminal messages hinting at disease.  They "jokingly" make parting shots.         
 
They jinx people around them.  They plant seeds of emotional, psychological weeds.  THEY SEND ELECTRICAL IMPULSES AT THEM, TINY ARROWS OF HATE.  THOUGHTS ARE ELECTRICITY TRAVELING THROUGH THE BODY/MIND.  BAD ONES POISIN SENDER AND TARGET.                                                                                                                                  

I look forward to avoiding the ruiners of  MY garden of earthly delights.  I'm enjoying my garden.   

                                                                                                                                                                

Can't wait to create Heaven

Creating Heaven is tiring.  Takes a lot of thought and emotional discipline.  I guess everything new does.  That's why babies sleep so much.  And why I feel tired.                             

Deciding what to do everyday to create the strongest foundation for the rest of my life is the most important work I've ever done.   

AT WINDSOR/WORLDMARK-Happy D'day Mom

Feeling pretty good.  Tomas drove us leisurely and we stopped at several stores.  Good hunting.                                                            

Checked in and he was testy.   He is a conundrum.

Went to 8:30 update and had lovely time w/David Hopwood.  Very caring compassionate person.  B'fast ok.  Old Kinderhook.  Madison?                              

5*17*13-Strange new week.  I'm feeling ok.  Lost key to gym lock with stretchy thing.  Will call library, maybe I lost it there.  Had another lock and two keys so set up new system already.      

Survived mom's b-day

Tomas called to check up on me yesterday with the pretext of tamales.  He's a good friend.  I was in a holding pattern. 

Went to Campbell Library and checked voicemail so I went by his place.

He said he wanted to use the timeshare so I asked him when he wanted to use it.  Then I remembered jeopardy and forgot timeshare so I'm going back today after lunch (Srs) and with my mobile I'm mobile and more versatile.  He wants me to use it too.  I don't really care.  No, really.

Waiting for the other shoe to drop-Ann Xiety

My old friend, Ann Xiety.    Cleared some stuff from living room.  Okay maybe I overdid.  Fell asleep easily tho'.  Exhausted.  11pm-5:16am.  Tailbone on fire.  Stomach queasy.  So maybe I'll phone it in.  I have to confront dr ali at some pt but not today.  I still have to cash refund from ATT.  

Still so attention deficit.  Just spent half hour cruising sites to cash check.  I have to laugh or cry.  

Stomach is trying to tell me something.  Made yummy potatoes, brussel spts, shredded carrot mix last nite.  Been eating mango salsa and beans and rice.  Vegetarian heals and helps anxiety.  

Just discovered if I put cursor over on right side a page pops out.  

Maybe it was the bupropion, welbutrin.  Took one ystrday and this a m at 5:16.  A mystery.

Maybe a nico-lozenge will help.  Yes it's better.  Welbutrin is supposed to suppress the desire for nicotine.  

I want to go to Campbell library today.  That's what I want.      

I need something like nicotine to ground me for want of a better word.  

That's the planning to the Oakridge Mall.  Saver's, Vitamin World, 1.2 mi apart.  Salvation Army Sunday?

I'll find it soon.

New Age Dawning-and it's freaking me out

Everything is going so well.  Like b4 parent trap.  Taking care of parents is a mistake.  Bigger than marrying the wrong person.

The only reason I married him was cuz he was familiar.  Like the sum total of all members of my family.

What a landmine!!!!!

So now I'm licking my wounds and healing myself.

Specifically, I haven't lost anything lately.  I have allergies and I have the time to take care of myself.  Tomas has been wonderful getting my cleanup ready for next week.  I have a feeling of doom and sadness.

I'm on the edge of new territory.  I feel I'm entering a new world.   I'm leaving the old behind.

First Comcast was jerking me around $47-$48/mo., so I switched to ATT and they outright lied about how much it cost $55.60.

The landline is the only continuity I've ever known in my life.  Everything else changed.  People came and went.  

The phone number moved with us from 1160 Lawrence Sta. Rd. to Nobili Ave.

Getting rid of the expensive landline and going to 2cellular phones is generating either new feelings of insecurity or is exposing dormant feelings.  Maybe fear of the new.

Every operator at Consumer Cellular has made me feel we're on the same team.  Fellow creatures.  And I've talked to maybe a dozen or more of them asking questions and getting help.  So I've entered the modern age?