happy leap day

i've never felt more alive and together.  and grateful for my health and friends.  🦄🦄 whoa how did i do this?  fun though.  

started calling 8 am 45 minutes to seniors driver saran.  didn't swim since valentines.  

bookmobile.  i forgot.  i let cody know i'd see him tuesdays pacific gardens.  i forgot thursdays completely.  i'm already living my new life.

i learned from yesterday.  after lunch i started calling for a ride.  home by 2.  first hour no service booking computer down.  i puzzled.  rude person's snide remarks prompted me to tell her how messed up the puzzle was pieces jammed together so she got stuck.  a statement of fact.  she denied doing it when i know for a fact when i watched her doing it.  i removed the blocks and finished the puzzle in an hour while she complained.  i called and booked with hernan.  he knew where the senior center was and confirmed gps sent bus stop location.  

so i rested in bed.  i cooked potato and pollock.  coconut curry chickpeas just right.  ate remainder salad.  i'll try clearance greek olives.

8 pm feels like 45 but weather service says 54 degrees.  nothing on tv.

in bed i decided to check OTC balance $30 instead of anthem prime $150 page 71.  programmed phone numbers noted crazy arbitrary hours no mention of time zone.  tomorrow.  checked silver sneakers.  not in table of contents so i added.  11:15 pm now.  i feel like i'm doing their job.  

peach pie cottage cheese b'fast

i'm  re configuring my life.  9 am i called via 40 minutes for a ride.  i perused website drivers make $20-$23/hour.  sounds like a lot doesn't cover much sv.  

yay!  i got marisa for driver.  she loaded case in hatch.  i've discovered i love being waited on.  maybe what vacationers love.  website says no tips.  so got here 10:30.  i could stay and swim 4-6 pm.  

i forgot to charge and lost settings regained good time.  2 weeks since ka-boom.  my knee is more sensitive.  i'm more sensitive.  feels weird diverting from my old routine.  

there's part of me loving the change.  like i'm unlimited.  except for eye twitching most uncomfortable.  

brittney called back.  because of officer burgos' police report citing my left turn, my fault.  eh, too many errors in the report.  eh, i wasn't surprised we live in a trump world.  called carlos to start repair process.  seniors had yaris 2010 for sale $6700 obo.    i thought about it.  14 year car 4 years left on battery.  $500-$1000 to replace.

took me 4 hours to get home.  ashley kept going to bus stop or she cancelled, she's getting paid hourly not by job.  so she can drive all over all day for the same money.  

8-9 pm amazon i ordered potassium water softener cubes.  rose dency in pp helped me for an hour applying for card great chase rewards.  

sans belt

my back is so much better after resting it all yesterday.   i moved around a lot not carrying anything like mom or dad.  no brace.  my bunion is the most painful thing.  used to be my left one but it's so much better through stretching my lower back and foot massage.  my muscles feel better balanced.

and yesterday my blog updated automatically.  not today.  i ate spaghetti-os/meatballs for breakfast.  so great.  mom always said it was too expensive.  

8:30 am drifting in and out of sleep i get it.  i'm re balancing 1999.  hellish year of sisters torturing parents.  no rest or sleep for me.  every year we live is recorded in the body.  

i don't have to force myself to walk to nob hill.  i'm watching the relationships on 'just shoot me' and i just impulsively followed my heart.  i never considered options.  i never had any as a child.  i wasn't allowed to make any decisions.  i was told what to do on threat of death.  i was threatened all the time so my sisters harassing threatening me with physical eviction came as no surprise.  hurt added to insult.  feeling stupid for taking care of mom and dad alone when my parents never stood up for me.  toki was the first person ever to defend me to helen.  when she did it felt monumental.  

1999

dad died.  mom was meaner than usual.  i let it go too sad and i was used to the abuse.  she was heartbroken her daughters didn't make good on their promise to take care of her after dad died.  they had too many secrets.  too many lies.  

i looked almost all day for bill.  wasn't with others.  i went through A LOT of paper, organized things i didn't have the heart for, too painful.  

5 pm 'color of magic' so good.  i don't know how i missed it 2008.  

weirdest dreams

not knowing where i am.  feeling safe.  like i'm bringing heaven to earth.  

sleeping like a baby waking every few hours falling back asleep.  

checking through my e mails i stopped maintaining them 11/1/23.

noon i called bartolo for a ride to sunny.  he said he was busy 'til 3 pm.  showed up like clock work.  at sunny i returned 2 borrowed 3 movies.  box puzzle of planets.  then stopped at lucky's for free liter zen water.  2 clearance manana water $1.49 ea, salad mix and big lots free 12 oz water and spaghetti-o meatballs $1.49.  everything i wanted, good prayer partner.  i gave bartolo choc shake to try.  i was exhausted.  home 4 pm i put everything away ate fish stew with bread butter.  

new feelings

my back feels better.  my digestion is calming down.  while my neck, legs, hips still hurting..  i have the energy to read.  i can hold the book.

8 am i easily used ice pick to separate 3 pieces of frozen pollock fish from 2 lb block, added diced tomatoes.  The difficult part is the correct size cooking dish to keep moist.  2 minutes high 45 simmer.  crock pot cooking without the bulky clean up.  the only thing doesn't work is beans.  i'll add corn and can garbanzos.  meanwhile i can have protein shake or survival shortbread or oatmeal.

guilt and habit drove me to do.  now without a car i have time to be.  i'm still processing feelings, separating strands of feelings, examining.  i've always run from them.  usually got me punishment from family.  walter brings it all back.  he's better stronger than before.  if he doesn't want to change it's ok i can't be around it.

called him to apologize leaving seniors abruptly.  nice chat.  he doesn't think he can change i told him he already has.  

'just shoot me' season 3 is so funny.  1999 dad died.  

christmas lucky charm

i'm too independent for relationships.   i don't need anyone.  i grew up without anyone i could depend on.  i learned to survive on my own from 2 years old when mom took me from grandma and made my sister be my mom.  disaster for all of us.  

i don't know if i'm terrified or excited.  what a day.  long wait times for hopper going and coming from senior center.  i finally arrived 10 am.  i walked to post office said hi to paul lloyd's friend bought sheet of 2024 dragon stamps.  i walked to mission library 16 minutes one way.  returned overdue.  checked out mission puzzle table.  open later than seniors.  walked back for lunch.  kenny and trudy waiting.  nice not to be first for a change.  toki and fred late.  lunch ok.  i puzzled 10 minutes.  i remembered not to drink too much water.  i won 3 x bingo,. snack bar and 2 tops.  walter showed up so i left before last game i was exhausted.  he needs something to shake him up less violently.  i've had my wake up call.  so much 'stuff' to handle

i'm loving being local.  book mobile schedule pacific gardens tuesday 3/5 10 am.  

feeling happy

when i have no reason to feel happy.  my car is still wrecked, they lied about the accident or were mistaken, my body is sore, i'm still getting older, more things to learn and do.  maybe life is school.  bad school.

the discipline to think positively is paying off.  i'm generating happy chemicals.  no side effects no fall out.  it's not constant, nothing is and i want all i can generate.  i want most.

i'm doing things i never would have.  

1 pm carlos just showed up took pictures to forward to brittney.  i gave him choc shakes and snack and i'm keeping track of time.  i drank shake while i considered what to eat.  ate hot pocket.  and dinner i finished peas and veg from last week with eggs and brie.  so good and corn chips left from oatmeal b'fast.  with peach pie i am content.  

everyone believes they're right

i'm just dealing with stuff.  i successfully downloaded and printed copy police report noting discrepancies and called brittney jeffers.  lovely 20 minute talk.  carlos will take 360 pictures re damage and forward to csaa.

archie at central library changed my home base to bookmobile.  

home 5 pm.  tyron hopper 15 min late wouldn't park in front of center i had to walk to street curb rain sprinkling.  

after sleeping only a few hours i'm ready for an early night.  napped in chair.  

my energy overloaded-i deserve happiness

i prayed online with silent unity, screen went black, internet disconnected i'm getting back settings.  and i'm ok.  i'm still here.

i deserve happiness.  i'm ignoring everything else.  makes me sad when people lie blackening their souls.  i happily give them to God.  and trump because of how he was raised truly believes he's right.  

2 am i'm feeling upset.  i have lots of movies.  i took kava, melatonin, willow, beet, passionflower.  i'm blessed with natural aids.  i can change how i feel naturally.  and silent unity online and phone prayer i'm no longer alone.

ready to roll

called for hopper ride 9 minutes.  young man alone from india.  he ran up debt and is recovering.  hopper car emblazoned with signage.  i'll have to track cost.  nice being picked up and dropped off in front of seniors.  he's learning skills to run his own business.

i swam, boring, puzzled, lunch companions toki and fred good.  melvin and diane.  melvin's sugar 289 on smart phone.  toki offered ride home and i was very ready.  tired out.  she's the best, picked me up from front door.  i saw brian johnson (pizza man) in gym talked for a bit.  i could have called him for advice re his 5 major car accidents.  fred had a freeway car accident.  everyone i know but me.  67 years driving without one.  i usually avoid them.  i've had close calls.  

10 pm i viewed online police report.  she lied and said i hit her.  oh, well.  officer burgos chose to say i was at fault when damage to the cars obviously showed she hit me.  

i'm waiting

voice mail 3 am re pick up for my dr appointment at 3 pm.  customer service doesn't open 'til 8 am i tried calling all numbers since 7 am now i'm waiting.  they book my pick up for 3 am but don't open until 8 am i don't understand.  

5 days since accident more symptoms showing up.  my neck, right temple tension headache.  i took willow, kava, beet, passion.

finally may in the phillipines fixed ride took 8 minutes.  i'm emotionally drained.

11 am i called unity customer care simple double subscription auntie ok.  i'm vibrating again.  i couldn't eat i had liquid b'fast.  took 23+ minutes.  caller id linked my account i didn't need numbers tygj.  

peas, cottage cheese, vienna sausage not as delicious as i anticipated.  

watching 'birdies' just what i needed.  i don't even like golf.  the personalities are hilarious.

3 pm dr's office blood pressure straight from car (alvaro) 191/90.  i should get here early and calm down.  even 149/58 accident better.  i don't know why i'm afraid.  maybe because he's like dad.  

i walked

.3 mile to nob.  took half hour to find wi fi spot in parking lot then store has it.  i updated and checked hertz delivery closed.  no idea the cost over $30 delivery fee.  i couldn't manage site.  

i called bartolo 75 he drove me to sunny and hid.  ha ha.  didn't park where he said.  so i have hot spot.  i turned in a central hot spot to main 1/5.  7+ weeks without a hot spot.  

spooky valentines i'll never forget at 73 my first car accident

healing played on chrome then stopped.  without wi-fi.  my sweet car got hit by a white tesla.  3:30 i was on my way to the library.  police, emts, like a bad movie.

day started normally, swim, puzzle, lots of valentine treats.  lots of lunch, extra peas and rice.  nothing at sprouts it started raining i drove toward library underground parking with returns.  raining pretty good by then.  i crossed san tomas headed west on benton i waited to turn left on las palmas, the eastbound traffic backed up clearing the intersection so i proceeded and white tesla with grandmother and 2 teen granddaughters speeding in bike lane hit my right front bumper sheering the grill 4-6 inches to left.  my knee was shoved into steering column.  my chest feels bruised from seat belt and i have a headache.  she called her son matt lai who said they have state farm insurance.  police took statements, emts checked my blood pressure and oxygen finger clip.  like a bad movie.  jason in utah called  tow truck carlos who advised me to empty car.  1/12/22 tow driver another different carlos.

toki reminded me to call insurance 5:35 pm i spoke to julie henderson nevada.  my adjuster brittney jeffers new jersey.  officer burgos badge 36 scpd called for my insurance number 7:14 pm i hope the pictures he took of the car damage came out better than pictures of my info.  

aaron's b'day

i want to check savers.  tonight i can sew or do taxes.   i am limitless.

best company abe lincoln b'day

 didn't share cookies.  melvin, diane, thomas.  toki and fred my family.  

endless possibilities

i forgot to eat lunch.  11 i started dressing for the day i wore long raw silk dress with leopard shirt.  already warm so tennis shoes.  decided on cup library with possible returns.  muppet show requested.  

best lunch

i used coupon for senior sack lunch.  potato salad sat in near freezing, tohir gave me peanuts and pb crackers, p chips, ham cheese sand, water, banana.  great at the library.  i checked st just.  someone left can vienna, 2 very green bananas, peach cup, turnover from st j sack lunch.  and fork and spoon.  tohir overlooked utensil for p salad.  

time to puzzle.  maryam 7 more like 10 and aisha 6 more like 2 nigerian muslim sisters dumped at library while their mom goes online.  i told them i didn't have a mom either.  i apologized they had to raise themselves but when they get to my age they can have a proper happy childhood.  aisha begging for attention wrecked the puzzle.  i'm done for the day.  too much like my past.  never having a mom being raised by another child.  bullied, humiliated.  never nurtured or allowed to live.  resented just for being.

no hot spot i'm ok.  sat by fireplace feet up relaxed and renewed.  restored i fixed the puzzle 'til closing at 4.  home by 4:30 i finally remembered perfect steak i dredged in cinnamon and grilled on electric hibachi.  perfect.  i sat in living room watching tv and steaks cooking.  perfection.  the 99 cent lettuces made the perfect sliced steak salad.  honey mustard dressing.  and clean up was so easy immediately while everything fresh.  

i'm watching 'oppenheimer'

Kurt Vonnegut jr came from a scientific family of physicists and knew when they launched the first atom bomb the chain reaction might continue until everything was consumed.  they decided it was the best way to end the war.  yeah, right.  'cat's cradle' see the cat, see the cradle.

forgot wheel oh, well

i left the library at 5:30 after a full day.  i'm having the time of my life.  

sprouts i bought cherry pie 20% off, 99 cent ice cream 2, camembert cheese 2 i thought was brie.  not as good.  no flavor.  i used can mushroom soup, cut up cooked chicken, mixed veg, potatoes and onions for soup.  pretty good.  for dinner hilde wanted to give me 3 fish lunches i wanted den and lady to share.  it was only ok.

good night and good news.

post disappeared. i was having more fun!

i spent half hour looking for movie remote.  it disappeared.  i looked under, over, around even crawled on floor.  huh.  now i see it written.   so 3 things.  the returns, post and remote.  i discovered the player has little tiny buttons.  and i feel ok.  

what a good day.  i swam 8:30, puzzled relaxed.  lunch with fred and toki.  i finished the puzzle stopped at sprouts decided to go home and rest.  back hurting i found remote and ate the yam i cooked this morning.  so delicious.  i scrubbed it, wrapped in parchment paper and nuked 4 minutes turned over 3 more.  i ate lunch chicken and cilantro slaw for dinner.  

lion dance, p f chang snacks.

i misplaced half of cup returns drove home and found them in trunk fourth time i checked.  the storm was like a hurricane.  made me glad i weigh what i do.  the wind and rain was like i never experienced before.  i drove slowly thankful for my dependable car.  and library self check malfunction created problem with checkout alicia gonzales will trace and fix.  i found umbrella and lost and found had at least 50 items because of weather i'm sure.  last year i wouldn't have been able to endure the driving and fear, my stamina is better.

sunny library i drove around and around no parking and spaces blocked off for performers.  hundreds of cars.  i parked at police city hall and walked in rainy winds.  i returned movie and checked out puzzles going around dragon dancers.  i've never seen so many asian families, lots of little ones, parents and grandmas.  made my heart sing.  i stood in quick line 5 minutes for lettuce wrap and salad.  i charged chrome, played healing music, puzzled 'til 4:30.  watched "royal family" eddie murphy creator producer.  something new to me.  exhausting day.  bed and movies.

returned mrs. sidhu-i've been reflecting on the fact that every great civilization destroyed itself

new library puzzle of gumballs edge still undone.  took me 20 minutes.

i checked st j twice and sprouts twice.  i bought great turkey dinner $1.86 and 2 cooked chick breasts 99 cents.  

sitting at seniors i can see that trump is the instrument of the destruction of democracy.  the greeks, romans, british all became complacent and decadent and rotted from within.  the right wing anti-abortion ignores human rights using emotionally charged issues to distract and control minds.  nothing more than a trick to divide and conquer the american people.  republicans want a republic not a democracy.  they believe they're smarter and better than everyone building the country and prefer to destroy to control.  destruction is easier than creating.  criticism is easier than solutions.  

my hips legs blocked

 my feet hurt, good i have feeling again.  my ankles swollen.  i look down and see my mom's feet.  she's always with me.  my biggest disappointment when she died was the fun we missed having.  now i can drag her along with me.  she's dead she can't resist or deny.  hilda must be her replacement so i don't miss her.  she looked straight at me and didn't bring me lunch.  it's on her.  

i'm still expecting punishment

muscle memory is still protecting me.  anxiety is a body thing.  the body manufactures chemicals on its own for survival.  

sprouts clearance too much.  seniors early.mom stunt i didn't tighten drink cap into my gym roller.  lunch good.  so today oil change, return hot spot, clean slate.  maybe savers.  i brought strawberry donuts and cut up in 1/4's fred tried one, i ate 2, toki tried a bite.  i gave the rest to anna and the half way house people.  they were very happy.  

waiting at carlos' for car to cool oil change.  and scoping out my day.  maybe i'll hang at main or savers or enjoy the beautiful day it's turned into.  and now i know why people plant decorative pepper trees, the smell of driving over the seeds.  smells wonderful.  $74.74 on discover 3.99% discount cash.  

mailed bill,  sprouts again clearance prices labeled.  huh.  new bogo flavored seeds.  more to sample.  withdraw chase straight to savers 3 1/2 hours looking bought new roller.  i could go everyday.  library an hour found 2 copy room quarters,  returned spot, puzzled half hour. stopped st just 3 boxes of food left.  i took 2 bags of frozen pollock, beets, celery.  i stewed 3 fish steaks with a honey mustard packet.