finally remembered food bank

and martin yan is supplying fresh lunch at st just.  what a day.  spirit is moving me in the prosperous direction. 

i just feel soooo tired.  nausea no appetite.  eating vita c candies to quell stomach.

i stayed in bed 8:30, ate some cereal watching '....she wrote' and dressed slowly, watched 'mom', classic concentration.  picked up lunch did my stretches.  doing life slowly today.

may 1st sat mom's b'day.  13th death day maybe another cause of ennui.  

all the games and sweeps have no attraction.

martin lunch so good fresh delicious.  even the broccoli perfection and tasty.  2 drums, broccoli beef on a bed of fried rice.  a lot of quality food.  i'm so thirsty.  

i sorted 3 bags 1 box of food.  took hours putting things away.  thank god i had a great lunch today.  i'll eat senior lunch for dinner if i get hungry.  

i'm watching genome documentary.  next greta thunberg.  sometimes tv listings stay intact other times without connection page view blank.  

i feel so out of body

i haven't felt this badly in a long time.  lying in bed for 8 years doesn't compare.  i had no one and nothing i needed to do.  

i didn't remember what i did with the new daily word booklet for the longest time.  i put it away.  safe.

i watched 'young rock' last night he doesn't look well.  his nose is bulbous, he's pale, he's pushing himself.  i'm pushing myself.

walked stretched

smelled the roses.  waited for computer connection.  sky is so blue smog blown away.

i feel sick.  my body aches.  my right side ribs tender from 2014 fall on front porch.  i'm drinking grapefruit to settle my nausea.  i haven't felt this bad in a long time.  

i'm doing what feels comfortable and safe.  observing seniors and the center staff like i did my own family unsafe to interact with.  watching my tv safe family.

i finally figured out my need to watch classic concentration.  mitt and i watched from when she was 3 and i was 8.  she stopped going to the baby sitter and i was in charge.  alien was never home.  weekends mom and dad took off and alien left us 2.  i had to vacuum straighten clean bathrooms.  so my first job i bought a singer vacuum for mom's x mas present to make my life easier.  they never figured it out.

i moved to mission.  noon parking lot closure.  just and bee.  not open 'til 3.  i remembered my cushion.  only one place to sit comfortably waiting for my games to load.  i can smell pizza and bbq cooking from local shops.  not even that smells appetizing.

maybe i skip st just food bank this month.  i think i skipped january.

i feel more energy after lunch.  internet too slow i came home 2 pm changed into 'jammies.  i'm ready for bed.  

feeling blue

tonight pink full moon.  closer to the earth than usual.  end of month blues.  haven't felt for awhile.  my shoulder blades sore from hand stretches watching pain free lee albert.  i'll look up libraries.  only online.  maybe that's what the gravity from the moon does, pulls out the pain.  makes lunatics.

tail bone hurting sitting seniors.  i feel like a wreck.  i spent 10 minutes looking through bags for my pen when it was in my shirt pocket.  i'm feeling so tired it hurts too.  am i depressed?  i've spent so much of my life numb i can't tell.  i numbed out to avoid the pain of childhood.  marriage to someone the combination of my family was excruciating.  more deeper numbness.  and the realization of what i've experienced is surfacing.  it's a miracle i'm still alive.  i'm re member ing.  i'm reconnecting with myself.  and i have so much pain locked in this body.  the humiliation, degradation, torture of my childhood.  i learned to numb out.  i kept my heart protected, my sanity intact behind a wall.  and i'm learning to live.  my life is buried in pain, humiliation, degradation, torture.  

brought q and pork

eating my lunch across the street seniors.  walked stretched.  supposed to rain, we'll see.  picked up paper and recycle.  also short black extension cord in road.

yesterday 9 am the same '...she wrote' as dvd on tv so i went big lots free cinnamon and dill and bought hemp mix.  lucky's  $1.83 clearance chop i used hemp and orange zest juice and ate remainder.  i love cooking micro.  mini cooking in microwave.  i could eat foccoccia bread every day all day.  i cooked quinoa for variety.  

my back not as good as i hoped.  so i rested.   

today as tired as i'm feeling i wanted out.  i'm drinking oxygen water, taking thinners, belatedly my supplements.  i went dollar tree 5 videos 3 chips.  walked stretched good will in case it rains found fly fish tie stand $4.59 i can use for making jewelry.  i wonder where it came from?  

i started watching 93rd oscars.  too long winded, talking to hear themselves but they don't listen or they wouldn't go on so long.  people of many nationalities but no native american.  

no connection-not feeling adult

i got home 1:30 exhausted after having to move my car so the gardener at main could sweep cuttings.  no computer at home either.  usually i can still blog but not yesterday.  tabs didn't hold.  

it's great.  i can change time and date to cover my blogging.  so i can think and assess.  i can unravel my thoughts and feelings.  

i stayed in bed 'til 8 after 5:30 bathroom break.  i ate cheerios mix with milk watching '...she wrote' and classic concentration.  

i briskly walked stretched park.  i've eaten my ok lunch and observed center employees have roped off best most convenient parking space for no reason other than seniors can't park there.  what goes around.  

no reception on to main.  i could have gone mission closed today but i want to check home stead bakery.  

i'm loving my ross' car organizer more and more.  

i walked over fruit and cookies to st just.  feeling ok.  tired and restless at the same time.

i almost couldn't get back in front door after the sisters have sabotaged the front door knob.  i went out and watered porch plants.  i just kept jiggling it.  i can always use garage to get into house if i have car key.  

now my right foot arch tingling.

i went to safe way 2 pair easter socks $2.70, fresh olive bread from oven.  afternoon bake overcooked not as pretty but just as tasty.  crumb is developed.  chewy.  real bread.  i wanted corn chowder panera email half off today.  i went by s cl told only online or phone app.  they don't want my money i came home opened can of progress o chicken corn chowder.  i didn't even heat it.  so  good.  i had jellied cranberry and bread dessert even though i bought a half off slice of unicorn cake.  clerk tried to tell me too sweet although she's never tried it.

i've been observing

i went to dollar no chips.  walked store taking my time feeling rich nothing i needed.  came straight to seniors to watch the life unfold.  one suv drove around sign up on side walk.  handicap parking.  little bev has been trying to get someone to remove barricades since they were all outside for their 'meeting'.  little hitler tells me it's so others won't use lot.  yeah right.  i just let them know lot closes noon.  

the different ways of doing life.

just b4 it malfunctioned

the screens were tiny.  now i've rebooted they're huge again.  nothing in the middle.  

i'm at mission on patio in the shade so cold.  

i went to big safeway lawrence looking for jerky and nail clipper on my shopping list.  no go.  walmart i paid p g e bought 2 blueberry 1 cherry pie.  

got to senior lunch 11 so late for me.  new behavior.  new be and have.  i tried computing poor reception.  i walked and stretched picked up 'fajita' turkey onions bell peppers 1 corn tortilla good beans.  toke came over to thank me for delicious bread they ate half already.  the olive and cheese makes it more healthy food.  it's better than the cup bakery.  

i considered going home early and halfway home i remembered last day safe way 99 cent eggs.  driving down bowers i remembered senior day good will.  i walked store $4.37 for pens and case, green stain glass butterfly, brand new frog tape.  main i checked shopping list.  st just fresh squash.  safe way out of eggs rain check if i had ad.  no bathroom code.  i found receipt.  no bakery clearance.  easter cookies $13 i got for $4.  

i got home after 5 hungry.  i ate bread and fajita juice.  i cooked burger and chopped squash.  delicious and healthy.  i toasted blue pie added yogurt.  not as good as i'd  hoped.  not enough blueberries.  pumpkin and pecan pie better.  

i changed into pj's i have big bruise on right foot arch 3 x 4 inches.  doesn't hurt.  i hope it's resetting.  could be clot from vaccine.  blood thinners and extra water.

lost all my settings

yesterday

i picked up my free soap big lots and bought 2 more grapefruit drinks.  ate lucky's fresh blueberries i washed and ate immediately.  debating if i want more.  

went home and stayed home sewing and resting.  this morning i transplanted lavender and weeded a little.  watered with b 12.  

i'm feeling grown up today

i went to mission early for my freebies online.  went to seniors picked up lunch.  walked and stretched.  across street free walker and mini trampoline i rolled to my car.  walker fit fine trampoline too wide.  i considered tying it in trunk.  i thought maybe helen could use the walker for back up.  toke showed up 10 minutes i considered asking her.  she agreed to drop it off.  no drama and guilt making me feel stupid.  i've never had anyone ever just graciously do me a favor.  my family trained me to never get help.  my relationships were chosen by my past experiences and now i have new data.  

i continued my day as planned.  also new.  not having to adjust.  lucky's free drink and clearance hamburger.  went to home stead safe way for sushi and free water, clearance olive parmesan bread.  main i computed.  came home put away food, walker, trampoline.  watched love boat.  

i called toke thanked her, helen already has back up walker.  i used it to unload car beautifully.  

so tired and sleepy-family wash

i slept til 7.  unheard of the past 22 years.  taking care of the parents really took their toll.  i think it's the vaccine.  i feel like i did december 2019.  ok and sleeping a lot.  i think i had it then.  from ginny.  felt dizzy took white willow and extra water to thin blood avoid vaccine clots.

i washed 4 loads and dried the linens.  i tried computing at kiely no connection.  senior parking lot poor connection.  tiny lasagna lunch.  no balsamic vinegar on tomato mozzarella salad.  i went to main no parking big funeral st just.  hope it's not ginny.  i saw alex at seniors he looked sad.  

i came home and hung clothes.  cooked linguine and added asian dressing, sesame seeds, jerky to chopped mozzarella tomatoes.  delicious.  

i finally tried slicing dried almonds in food processor.  chopped a mess.  must be fresh not dried.  i have a package of sliced in garage.  

another good day.  toke left turkey chili front door during jeopardy.  she called to tell me to refrigerate.  we talked for 38 minutes.  i'll be glad when things are open again.  she misses the rowing machine.  i miss the hot tub.  

i feel well

i'm like the better improved me.  i felt so well i almost went to laundry.  no no mustn't overdo.  

breakfast was noodle salad veg soup.  i put out bins.  i paid city at kiely as planned.  then reception went out so i stretched and walked.  went to seniors internet reception still iffy.  on and off.  went to college safe way 2 free waters and $4 candy dark chocolate coconut almond.  

i can't tell if i'm feeling anything from the vaccine with my back.  dollar store finally 2 amber m wash 5 chips.  i picked up lunch went to college safe way 2 free water $4 dark chocolate coconut almond candy.  mission poor internet reception i went to main checked st just nothing.  home 2:30 for love boat.  coffee coke kept me going strong.  

i want to find mini custard pie recipe.  i want a juicy burger and custard pie.  i looked up nations and although i looked for it yesterday there was something else in its place.  so i'll check the phone number if and when i go.

amazing day

got gas drove to lucky's 5 k mowry, fremont.  got in and out early after much discussion and paperwork.  drove over to newark saw tiny house.  drove all around stopped flea market @ pavilion.  nothing looked good.  i tried drumette sample of wilbursbbq sauce.com.  i never went in the 13 years i lived there.  if there'd been nation's i'd have got burger and pie, oh, well.

big accident traffic jam on freeway maybe 1k feet from on ramp.  lots of cars reversing.  16 wheeler truck across 3 lanes.  only 15 minutes to pass in one lane.  old me would have backed on ramp found alternate.  i blessed and peace 'd situation.  i ate meat stick and drank flavored water.

back in town drove around stadium.  sunday drive.  went to senior park 1:30 paper gone.  stretched walked.  too hot in sun went lucky's hunting lunch/dinner.  2 x points.  5 hour dinner 2 clearance salads.  forgot points.  asked how to add on account they did 100 points self check.  i came to main to compute.  ate 5 hour old dinner.  good i like jerky.  potatoes little rocks.  brussel sprouts ok.  

home by 5 love boat at 6.

he's gone

all the family is gone.  now to gather my true family.

saw bea at mission.  

oh my aching back

i started burning the bags of incense i've stockpiled.  

my hips and back are screaming.  i took kava for muscle spasms.  better.  probably a combination of toke left slice of blueberry pie last night and extra class stretch exercises.  i hung from rings kiely park a lot of popping cracking half hour later better.  

called toke thanked her for pie.  made it over to senior center.  i like sitting watching it's better for my eyes.  i can type without becoming too focused, near sighted.  19th they want to go all walk up.  glad i already do.  most people drive through have a hard time walking.  i wonder.  

free lucky's body armor edge 20.2 oz and big lot's ocean spray 25 oz.  the only reason i computed today.  

i want this day to be over.

i want love.  i made milk and coconut flour oatmeal.  pretty good.  i feel so tired.  could be detoxing.  probably detoxing.  it's been over a year no smoking.  all the stored chemicals.  the body seeks balance. it tries to maintain balance.     

  

i guess i'm out and about because all of us needs energy.  energy flows like electrons.  spiritual, psychic energy is immeasurable.  we don't have the machines yet.  and i know this to be real and true.  some people seek attention=psychic energy from others.  i think that's why some people go berserk getting attention the only way they know.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                the cursor is doing weird things again.  i figured out through trial and error how to work around it.  the published view is still messed up.  

technical difficulties

i paid prop tax and picked up gum at w mart saw covid vaccine so i went online mart and walgreen's nothing.  frustrating.  must be a better way.  went to s j dollar store nothing, 99 + 3 pads 2 spray per oxide.  walked college safe way looking for nail clipper prizes none.  

i'm feeling so frustrated i want to scream and stamp my feet.  well, only file taxes.  i put in prayer request.

came home resting.  cooked pasta for p chops.  ate chips put everything away.  i must still be detoxing.  i feel so tired and blah.  

i a r wylie

over 30 movies from her writings 1915-53.  and i never heard of her before.

wow! keeper of the flame 1942

on this morning on 2.3 just like trump.  i wonder if they saw the movie.  about industrialist fascists plotting to take over democracy from within.  setting factions against each other, dividing to conquer.  like the donald.  using fear, prejudice and downright lies to manipulate poor people into blaming non whites for their seriously flawed thinking.  flawed thinking keeps them poor.  poor decisions.

fiction becoming fact.  wiki compares the dead man to william randolph hearst.  absolute power corrupting absolutely.  by definition tyrants and despots should be equated with insane idiots.  none of them overcame death and many died horribly.  

i want

i am.  i went to target for multi and they're closed.  so i went to sprouts bought 3 months/$21.  i'm totally worth it.  and i don't feel like driving.

got to park just after bike boys picked up news paper.  i did my stretches, walked and attempted computing no signal.  ate an apple and picked up discarded paper.  

came main.  i ate snack stick.  tricky to open makes me feel frustrated.  what is that about?

home i cooked noodles, with broth 2 eggs.  

11:09 kiely park

it's taken this long to engage internet.  it's working like human brain synapse.  longer time more reinforcement the stronger the connection.  had to move car for better reception that is a little better.

i expected an epiphany when i couldn't sleep 'til 3:30, woke 5:30 and 8 am remembered mom's soul crushing criticism and physical bullying.  then i felt sad for all of us and the crap legacy of love we all endured and learned to expect.  history repeating itself.   

i love eating cooked fresh.  somethings only taste good cooked fresh.

don't know how i did it

and i love the computer big screen.  i increased size in a different way and i can go back and forth.

on illustrations cross eyed is cute and happy, wall eyed sad.

i'm sitting kiely park, did my stretches, scoping out amenities.  i've lived most of my life here without using this park.  i brought mom for camellia or begonia festival she wanted to see.  

ate my r b sandwich and raw asp.  lucky's free vita water and clearance p chops.  2 pm main last compute.  went home via st just left bag of apples took black pepper spam.  home i watched 'love boat' cooked p chops sliced onions.  i ate last r b sandwich, put away senior weekend food and tender p chops.  cooked rice in dish.  

i talked to grace. twice

i took my time to senior lunch.  crowded closed tomorrow.  paid bill at target.  posted life insurance.  chase withdrawal.

grace showed up at chase outside a t m as i finished banking.  asked her if she wanted milk, no.  drove to main she was outside st just i asked if she wanted orange, no, lunch no.  sitting in the hot sun 77 o i asked if she wanted hat, yes, big or little, both, i gave her korean and park hats.  she had good time s f with maria.  my angels.

awesome day.  came home washed hair, rested, watched love boat.  found missing irs check at front door.  medicare over payment.  went directly to star one deposit to check.  cup lib picked up croods dropped off 4 and cd.  drove to arby's gone april fools.  went main computed decided bernardo 5 for $5.  checked safe way.  drove home remington to old san fran road.  8:15 watched sheldon.  finally hungry ate 2 sandwiches.  no seniors tomorrow i got lunch covered and movies to watch.